So I was running with my oxy use and it was getting the better of me.
I’d bought some ethylphenidate and was abusing it over the weekend; Saturday and Sunday. Two very active and busy days and I was snorting ethylphenidate all the time. By Sunday evening it had made me ill. I was blocked up and only just managed to snort some oxy and realised how deep in the shit I was with my illness and also that I had one OC80 left and I would not be able to resist nailing it if I tried to taper. I have rehearsals all week for what is basically a two-hander play and little time to learn half a play in. I also have martial arts classes all week. I didn’t go to my first rehearsal and have skipped all physical activities.
The official line is it’s the flu.
I last dosed oxy on the night of Sunday the 15th. Monday I was in a state of full blown illness thanks to the ethylphenidate. I wondered when the withdrawals would present themselves in addition. I had some kratom (spoon’s worth later weighed to only be ~1.87 grams). Have had that amount of kratom, generally, every six to eight hours at the least.
Monday I was rough. I slept through most of it then at night I took 0.5mg of flubromazelam. Slept for about 4 hours which is how long they seem to last – I think diazepam (Valium) would have been better but, oh well.
Tuesday was PURE HELL.
I couldn’t sleep, I was restless. I had to assist my grandparents get up and go to bed every day but my mum came round and did lunch etc. (THANK CHRIST). That night was just as bad. I had 0.25mg of flubromazelam and slept an hour or two then I had another dose the same and slept a bit more. Woke with a headache, still feeling like hell. I’d made some bad film choices for the worst day. I watched The Devil and Daniel Johnston on the Monday night and was awe inspired. Then on Tuesday I watched something pretty dark, can’t remember then Black Swan and that engaged me but wasn’t ideal for my state of mind. I also watched the film documentaries 28 and 56 UP. This depressed me. At 28 everybody’s’ life appeared much more stable than mine at 30. 56 UP portrayed some of the less successful people achieve greater stability.
I don’t get how people write on the site when they are withdrawing.
Wednesday the 18th of February I started making notes with a pencil and paper.
- Minor respite after a bad night and horrible morning. 1st time I’ve been arsed to have some weed in the day but I did have to prepare (microwave) lunch today for grandparents.
I got the munchies: Apple; Yum Yum (sticky bun thing. Desired another but then realised that the hunger would distract me from my physical ills. Come upstairs, ate half a Snickers. Damn!)
Was daytime weed a good idea?
PROS: Distraction; relaxation; emotional stimulation.
CONS: Physical stimulation draws attention to my pain; even lazier (does that matter?)
Sharpened pencil – slight desire for perfectionism after days of creating filth – must bathe.
Stone Roses ‘This is The One’ at the end of the film Eagle Vs. Shark (which I found uplifting). The song reminded me of bygone days. 17 years ago T. used to play it around me often and 10 years ago D. did often. I must learn the guitar part one day.
3rd instance of diarrhoea. (One dose of kratom today at midday so far).
I’ve lost 7-8 lbs in the last few days. Barely eaten. Had vegetable soup last night. Eaten a whole box of Cadbury’s Dairy Milk since Sunday- was not prepared on the sustenance side of things (and I’m a veggie so that doesn’t help).
Do I feel a lot better or is it me? I’ll try my best to run with this. Been off my feet so long I’m so stiff. Depression was consuming me and I think the small amount of weed has helped on that front. Got plenty of weed but I haven’t had the ability to roll or even go and smoke some of the blunts I have rolled (I don’t smoke tobacco). Feels like this won’t end. Each day at a time right? Must get better and inactivity is helping weaken me. Must try and do more. Can I make rehearsal tomorrow and Friday?
I played guitar for almost an hour before a bath. It touched my soul. Through neglect of playing I have become better at playing automatically while I sing. The song ‘The Tunnel’ by The Bronze Medal helped. I learnt that last week, managed to play it and sing without being distracted and it’s transcribed to more difficult songs. I stopped playing before I had had enough and tidied my room for a bit before a shave and bath.
Still got diarrhoea and body temperature a bit skittish but I really feel more ‘normal’. I’m sure this is kinda normal and kind of happy too!
Last night I almost gave in. I decided I would see it through and document how it can be done.
Had half a dose of kratom about 5.15pm.
Wow! At points of my bath I felt 100%. It was like a ritual or an exorcism. I shaved and washed thoroughly and cleaned a lot of the bathroom (of grime I had neglected to even notice in my state of the last 5 months). I will now change my bed clothes.
The thought of jumping back into life seems a step too far but the acute suffering has gone (at least for now).
Better film choices today helped balance my mind but just at the time my body decided to make a little progress too.
Changing sheets on the double bed with so much shit (like guitar and bass amps) around the room was challenging but once I started I had to finish. Getting stuff done seems to release endorphins.
Got my new scales on Monday but only just could get them out and weigh what a dose of kratom was. I was worried the spoon I was having as a dose was loads but it wasn’t even 2g.
My pencil weighs 3.44g.
Made supper for my grandparents and myself, ate; felt a bit fidgety but bearable.
Films (happy films) about socially awkward people has been fundamental to beating depression, I feel. When I quit diazepam last year, happy and uplifting films formed the backbone of my withdrawal process although I did taper as you must with benzodiazepines, but at jumping off point the films saved my mind.
Temptation flirts with my inner weakness like an attractive wink across the bar at last orders. At my lowest, last night, I discovered I’d actually two OC80s and some of an OxyNorm capsule left. I felt like putting an end to the pain. The thought of my later documentation of success helped me and the fact I am highly depended upon and cannot fulfil my duties in the state of withdrawal.
I need to recover from this and grow up but I feel like I can whereas yesterday I wanted to die.
I abused oxy at doses of 100-200mg daily, four days on and four days off, for two and a bit months then three months of daily use at that amount. So thankfully not too long but it’s a powerful drug and traps you quickly. Day and night two was the toughest and towards the end of day three I’m 75% normal. Sat typing and haven’t been back to bed since my bath around 5-6pm. Day three seemed like a failure then suddenly I gained inner strength from my persistence. I was tempted – when really, really depressed to start taking amitriptyline. Glad I didn't.
I have 0.5mg of flubromazelam left and would rather save it but may end up having it tonight anyway. We’ll see. I’d hate to end up with insomnia later in the week and think I’ve wasted it. Weed may help me sleep tonight.
Lex_Talioniz added 781 Minutes and 39 Seconds later...
Thursday the 19th. Gong hei fat choy.
Today it is wet and windy. These are the sorts of days I would take more oxy as I seem, somehow, to be quite sensitive to weather. There are times when I am strong, endure pain, envisage myself as the lion or the shark; a soldier in a war zone that is uncompromising. And other times I am honestly a “derricate rittle frower”. Two polar opposites in one. Maybe that’s all due to the drugs.
I felt very happy last night. Verging on manic it seemed when it wouldn’t go away. My physical sensation was that of body load from something like 25i nBome. Tingling in the hands mostly (my signal of oxy withdrawals creeping on but that was all – the first and last signs of withdrawal?). I remained happy late into the night and didn’t go back to bed after my bath. I was fearful of today so did as much as I could and set out many things so I wouldn’t have to do them today.
Last night my grandfather had the unfortunate incident of not quite making the toilet (it’s a rare occurrence) and I’m so grateful it didn’t happen the night before cause I wouldn’t have coped.
This morning I helped my grandparents with their morning routines – getting up takes about forty minutes (nearly half the time it takes to get to bed). I made breakfast for the three of us. Back on to the porridge and I had some myself too. I hung the laundry I put in yesterday and cleared yesterday’s pots and washed the breakfast things. A few other quick duties and then I felt pretty weak. Came upstairs to lie but have come to the desktop first. This is a marked improvement. I had one dose of kratom (roughly just under 2 grams) at about 8am.
My resolve is as strong as ever. A little deflated today; not the best night’s sleep. I used both 0.25mg flubromazelam pellets and as I felt myself yawning, went to spit the second out but it was too late. I remembered I have some diclazepam (very small amount) that would have been better earlier on. Proves how ill I was cause normally I’d know exactly what I’ve got and where.
I watched ‘The Other Guys’ in the afternoon and finished it in the evening. I had forgotten how funny some of the scenes are. Overall the film is not an instant classic but there’s some really great humour in there, I think. Then I watched Jimmy Cliff’s ‘The Harder They Come’. I think that helped keep me up. I wasn’t expecting such an intense story line, just mostly awesome music so I was awake and stopped it five minutes from the end because I was passing out about 2:30am. Then I couldn’t really sleep. I was only half awake but it was pissing me off. Morning came too soon. I knew immediately that today was different, however.