pain+addiction=too much - Part 31

By southern girl · Sep 11, 2011 · ·
  1. Re: pain+addiction=too much for swim

    So a while back I said I dont know who I am anymore. This is true. But after reading a post by coolhandluke in the "what would you take back" thread, I realized that ofcourse Im not. I have been through so much in such a little time. And I need to let shit that happened in the past go and leave it in the past. I cant change it, so I'll just let it go. And also accept things. I honestly thought this whole chronic pain and addiction thing seemed like it just fell in my lap to ruin my life. I have really been thinking it has ruined me. If you asked me yesterday, I would say Im a ruined girl. But I have decided today that I am not ruined. Yes I am different but thats normal. And thats okay, and I need to accept that. Acceptance of change is something Ive always struggled with.

    So I decided to do something radical today to show my determination to get out of this "depression" Im in and to embrace who I am today. And that its okay to change. So I cut my hair off. And I mean off. For those who havent seen my pics, my hair was long, down to the small of my back long. Now, its short; above my shoulders short, an asymmetrical bob. For those who dont know what that is....think Rihanna's hair in the Umbrella video. I love it. Its different. Its just what I need. And tomorrow, its gonna be red...well auburn. My hair is natural really really light ash brown/almost blonde. I want it darker. Anyway, this wil be soon :)

    Much Love


  1. missparkles
    Re: pain+addiction=too much for swim

    Totally, totally agree with everything you've (has Peaches moved out now) said and done. Sometimes the change in you internally is so radical you need something radical externally. I found that when I first got clean 15 years ago I didn't know who I was, I was in absolute bloody turmoil, so I dressed accordingly. My hair was 3 different colours, I wore outrageous colours that, upon reflection, didn't really match. But they suited who I'd become, suited my personality.

    Back then, like you I had long hair, but I realised that my hair was something I used to hide behind. I'd have my hair side parted and I'd have it halfway across my face. So my radical change was to have it cut so short that I couldn't hide behind it any more. Gradually over the years every time something big happened that changed my life I'd change the way I looked and dressed. Funnily enough having a "new" me helped.

    I think its a way of acknowledging that inner change, it makes acceptance that much easier. Cos you're saying to yourself "I've changed, I'm not the person I used to be. I'm different now." And you're seeing that change every time you look in the mirror, every time you go past a glass shop front. Its amazing how many times we see our reflection and we just don't realise it.

    I remember looking in the mirror and thinking "that's not me" but eventually I began to connect the look with who I now was, who I'd become. That was when I began to process the changes...external and internal. That was the beginning of acceptance for me. You never have a haircut that you don't like, or wear clothes that look bloody awful do you, you always make sure that you look good (even if it is very colourful;)) and that's something positive that you'll also associate with the internal change.

    I've found there are lots of positives that have come out of this last big life change that's occurred in my life, my being unable to walk very far. Its made me appreciate a lot of things I once took for granted. Its made me realise that I didn't know what it was like for people who have back/walking problems, even though I said I did. Lots of other things, but the very best thing, I'm now at eye level with small children (before I'd always squat down to talk to kids) and its amazing.

    Squatting down you miss so much, cos you still only see a part of their face. If they look down, you see nothing. Now I can see their faces even when they do look down. But its made me aware that I do have a special ability to connect with small children. I might even decide to do some voluntary work with kids, especially the little ones, I adore them. This is something I would never have considered before, but then before I didn't realise that I even had this ability. When you're stood up you tend to forget that there are little people stood there.

    So the change in my life has shown me a talent that when I was walking, I was completely unaware of.

    The change in your life (or is it Peaches life) will show you something too. Its like "when one door closes another always always opens" you just have to look for where that extra source of light is coming from. Its not all darkness love. If you feel a breeze on your face you can bet there is an open window, metaphorically speaking, and windows can work as well as doors.

    I'm pleased that you're starting to emerge from that awful place that you felt you were in, just remember, it was only because you've done something proactive that you are emerging. This didn't just happen, you made it happen. And that's the most positive thing of all.

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