1-13-19 shitfuckpiss, howzitgoin everybody! Firstest and mostest my apologies to my friends here for leavin em hangin, especially to the ones I promised crap like "i'll always be here for ya" right before I did my duck dive, or did you even notice my chair's been empty awhile? But yeah I always end up findin a way to fuck up the good things that come my way. Anyway, I left; I didnt say shit, just drifted off. I guess this site is a microcosm of my real life, I've left a trail out here too.
I was just passin thru during an apocalyptic phase in my chaotic sub-functional existence. I didn't intend to make camp here.
Y'all are my chemical tribe and I believe I'll be understood, accepted, and in most cases, forgiven, cuz y'all know how it is. Y'all know I meant no harm and that I meant no disrespect. But hey we're still accountable for our behavior even if we're just fallen angels who were never angels at all; even when we're so fucking sick that we're twistin on the cool and writhin like snakes bitin ourselves to death, doin more dope in order to cope with all the freakin dope we're doin. It don't mean shit. We're still accountable.
Y'all are my tribe, my crazyass chemical tribe. I'm sorry to all y'all who reached out and got a wall of silence from this toad that walks on two legs. I'm sorry to all y'all who took this village idiot at his word when he vowed to stand by you thru the good, the bad, and the ugly. I'm sorry to anybody I hung up on in mid-conversation.
I'm a self-absorbed, selfish, self-centered, stone cold, hard core, unrepentant SOB and a life-long professional grade snake oil salesman. I'm the perfect storm. I'm the turd in the punchbowl. Trail of tears. My selective conscience and I wreak havoc on gentle souls; pull the trigger, move on, don't fucking ever look back. It is what it is.
It cuts so much deeper cuz y'all count with me. I abandoned the only people I care about; turned my back on the only people who gave a rat's fuzzy ass about me.
I'm sorry. All my fault. Please forgive. Many thanx. Nuf sed.
Today a close friend on here I aint heard from in quite awhile DMd me. She burped me and changed me when I got double sick puttin down my double habit, so it was kinda strange that today of all fucking days she decides to rattle my cage cuz today I'm spun for the first time after yet another two month hiatus, and I was so inspired and uplifted by her positive wave and the cosmic timing that I decided to take a spin round the site and I see... shitfuckpiss it's my one year birthday on here!! And da pigs do fly.
So, yeah, I got clean here with a lotta help from my friends. It didn't last. I gotta thing for meth and heroin. (So does everybody, right?) So after I fucked up my recovery I withdrew into my own crazy trip. Read my journals. I've always been a loner. And without really trying, in fact by accident, I managed to get off the hielo again, but I'm still a slave to the jalle, rollin in it like a fucking dog, hellbound, eyes wide closed, would cut grandma's scrawny throat for a tenner when I'm sick. SOS different day.
I left here cuz it was time to go. I could no longer see the forest for the trees. Complacency, boredom, inertia, stagnation, and I was becoming a childish rock-throwin loose cannon, more of a detriment than an asset to this place, pissin off the tribal elders and scaring the hatchlings, and I could see it was all just turnin to shit like everything else always does, and, as I so often do, I jumped before I got pushed.
I made a couple half-hearted, misguided, totally fucked up attempts to return to the fold and succeeded only in makin a public ass outta myself, tryin to look smart or be funny, talkin more and listenin less and contributing nuthin at all. Lotta noise, no substance, erode and corrode my already shitty noise-to-signal ratio like white bread southern AM gospel radio with a coat hanger antenna, just static and endless fucking superfluous bullshit.
I still believe in DF. It's far greater than the sum of it's parts and worth far more than it's face value. I still believe it's harm reductive, recovery-oriented philosophy is the only amazin grace with a shot at saving a wretch like me.