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  1. I wrote this on a whim about mid July I think, just typing away... It hasn't changed much even though, it started out just rambling while I was in not so good a place in my head. Sorry it's pretty long winded, I'm going to attempt to make it more readable. Thanks in advance for taking the time.~ S*IM



    My life is scary...



    It's hard and grueling. I was given this life, I didn't ask for it, I didn't chose it, It was thrown at me like some sick cosmic joke from the universe. It's not a life I would wish on even the worst humanity has to offer. It has been lonely and cruel since I was born.

    The cruelty is the little glimmers of hope and light that are occasionally given. Like in the old black and white horror films, when a psychopathic scientist is doing experiments on dogs to see how loyal they will be. They torture them, and beat them into submission until all the dogs are able to is do cower in a corner. Then one day the scientist gave them love and comfort. He feed them, and played with the dogs until the dogs believe that they are going to be okay. That they are going to be happy. Once the scientist see's that he has gained the dogs trust back, the beatings and punishment start all over again.

    That is what my life has been. Only it is not so noticeable because I'm not a dog, and it is the universe not some deranged and mad scientist doing it.

    I've always endured it alone. I've never had anyone care enough to stand up for me, honor me, or even just be grateful and for my existence. Sometimes it feels as if I have become so used to it that I don't care anymore, that it doesn't bother me. Then the little glimmer comes and I become like the dog thinking the worst is over and it can only get better. But it doesn't. It never does.

    The scariest part of my life though, is not the past and all the heinous atrocities of childhood abuse, in every manner, that lasted a decade. Or the present with struggles that destroy the spirit and put an extreme stringent reality in every minute that passes. It's the future. And I'm not afraid of the insecurity of the unknown. What is disheartening is I know what the future is going to be. And it is empty.

    One day, one of the glimmers of joy, will make his way into the world to concur his own dreams. While he is out living life and following his path, the youngest sparkle of light is living in his own little world. My youngest will never go to college or start a family, he'll always wear diapers because he will never accomplish learning the most basic life skills most take for granted, such as eating with utensils and even eating by mouth, He will always be fed through a tube in his belly. It's okay though, don't feel bad for him, he is very happy and even more free in a way than you and I, or anyone else will be.

    Years from now, If he makes it past his childhood... If he survives his teenager years, his brother will have moved on, It will be just me and him... Him and I. This beautiful eternal child, who is most often locked in his mind, unable to explore the world around him with his physical limitations, and me locked in my sorrow, with bitter envy of the life I missed. I will still be doing it alone. Then the day will come when he'll be released from his mind and body, and will no longer be here with me. It will be just me.

    Now some would grieve the loss of their child, for that is a tragedy in itself, while other's might see this as being set free, but I assure you, this is not how things will be. When you have wondered this world alone yet surrounded by so many, when those few glimmers have come and gone, never having had many friendships that lasted and what little family there used to be long ago, Then you will know what the future will be. It's a life, but its not really living. Just existing alone.

    This is my life, my future.

Comments

  1. detoxin momma
    I think its great you have such a mature grasp on death, especially considering its your own child youre speaking of, not sure how i would handle that.

    Like you said, its not like he has anything to compare to, being born this way, so no, hes not suffering, but that doesnt make it any easier on the parent to witness, so i commend you for staying strong, good for you.

    As for being alone and knowing it, you dontknow that, we know nothing really, you could fall in love with a person you run into at a convenience store tomorrow and change your entire way of thinking, we just never know.
    If alones what you want, i see nothing wrong that, plenty of people are perfectly happy living alone.

    Its a big bad world out there, one that loves to keep people guessing. Ya never know what life could throw your way. What we do know is, life must go on, no matter how we feel, so feeling down and out only hurts ourselves.
    your words have reminded me of how fast time flies, and how we need to be grateful for whats right in front of us, and not fear what waits for us down the road.

    extending a hug to you and yours.
  2. Somewhere in the middle
    @detoxin momma ~
    Thanks hun, for the encouraging words. I appreciate them more than you realize.

    Unfortunately I've had this...
    "change your entire way of thinking"
    happen many times only to end up right back where I am. The loneliness is more than just as simple as having a significant other, I could have stayed with either of my son's dad's and that would have sufficed. No, it's in general. It's just in the cards, written in the stars for this life...

    I'll survive.
    S*IM
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