chupa, that is what has been keeping me sane, coming to this thread, reading messages. This place is a life line. And you're right, what I do need is a doctor and a plan of treatment, but right now all I can do is take this one day at a time.
About doctors: I have been prescribed many different anti-psychotics and anti-depressants since I was 9, and the last major drug I tried was Klonapin, a couple years ago - a god send, and a double edged sword (went cold turkey). I would call my phenibut withdrawal, my miniature klonapin withdrawal. Maybe that is why I am able to fight it better than I expected, the walls I keep around my anxiety have been breached before. This is familiar, even though it is terrifying.
I miss the days when I could only complain of fears that I could easily remove myself from. "Normal" anxiety, not drug-induced, brain-sapped horror... or whatever is going on inside of me. GABAs, and other terms I didn't have the care to try and understand before I started messing around with phenibut.
My heart shudders, and when I close my eyes to try and sleep, strange sleepscapes haunt my vision. Dark thoughts, about dark futures. My mind is trying to tell me it is all over. I do need warmth, I do need people, I need this place and that's why I'm here. I'm just a voice in the darkness, the way I hear all of you. But it's contact, it's real.
How to fight phenibut withdrawal today:
- get up right now, don't even think!
- briskly walk and try to see nature without associating it with anything but itself ("a tree, a green, that crow is diving, that blade of grass sticks out further than the rest")
- hot bath when I come home
- begin reading A Clash of Kings from A Song of Ice and Fire series, and sit snug on my couch reading about people going through shit I will never know the agony of.
- Dentist at 3pm. Nitris may be interesting distraction.
To everyone who is in pain,
I am in pain as well,
our pain is different,
we are in pain together.
garshara added 546 Minutes and 27 Seconds later...
I got two teeth extracted at the dentist today, no nitrous because my insurance doesn't cover it. A local anesthetic and some weird sensations as two teeth got tugged out of a numby gummy land. A few crunches and cracks here and there - just those sounds made me release all my bodies breath out my nostrils every time, and the assistant was like " You're doing great, they come apart in pieces. Shhh, it's okay." Haha. Me, rigid like a mummy, eyes wide open behind the pair of sunshades they put on me.
I was prescribed a small amount of vicodin. It sits in my drawer untouched so far. I think I can leave it be. I know the day before yesterday I would've grabbed that bottle and popped two at once. But... that 'fighters pride' I was talking about. Like overcoming something is such a big high, a high that my own brain made by pressing on through the agony. But I do know me, and I know I may sneak a half tab or so along the week until they're gone. That's okay. Because I am human and I will turn to sources of comfort. But I will not touch phenibut again. I will never touch you again, phenibut, you are dead to me. I abused you and I got burned and nope, nope, nope.
It has been a long ordeal, and I am not even sure when this all started. My sense of time is out of whack, and so is my sleep schedule! I am starving as well. I don't think I have slept more than two hours on and off in moments of time I can't even put together in my head. But I feel certain I am okay now.
Thanks everybody. And if anyone should ever find this thread who is in withdrawal from phenibut: Like someone here said, it all ends. You are a fighter, you are crazy creation, a ghost inside a shell. You are very complicated and that is why this is hurting so badly - so much has gone haywire inside of you. But in your complexity, there is a design, and it is righting itself, moment by moment. Bear with it, the design is your friend, take deep breaths and aid it gently. Speak here, speak anywhere, and seek out human warmth.And phenibut? It will be like a crown of thorns around your head for however long it must, but you will move beyond it. I am speaking to you, these are my vibes, they come from my mind and I send them telepathically into yours, stranger; stranger no longer, because now we are connected, and all you will have of me is love and support.
Fight. Breathe. Walk. Pray. Hope. Ask for help.