Point Man

By PastorFuzz · Jan 30, 2019 · ·
  1. 1-29-19 Howzitgoin everybody!
    I'm grateful to be here. It's been a crazy fucked up day and it's good to sit down and connect with my tribe.

    I've mentioned this before on more than one occasion: I ain't never had a family, no relatives, no blood ties in this world, and I'm a loner who can count my friends on just one hand. And I'm ok with that. I cherish my privacy and my solitude and I seem to get more reclusive with age. I ain't shy or socially awkward.

    DF is my family. I'm ok with that too.

    Anyone here who reads my journals or what I post on the threads knows me far better than my friends in the real world. Here I open up and let you see who I am. In the real world I give nuthin away.

    As an example; I don't reveal to the denizens of the real world that in the past I was a criminal by vocation. It was the life I chose. It was my job. I was good at it.

    I reached a point in my life when I realized it was time to change my way of livin. I'm no longer a criminal. I function in society and I abide by the law of the land, the single colossal exception being my drug habits.

    The laws which dictate what chemicals I may or may not put in my body are unconstitutional, based on fear, prejudice, and misinformation, are unfairly harsh, and represent a double standard when compared to society's acceptance of alcohol. All that's beside the point. Those are the laws. I choose to break them. It is what it is. I'm gonna do my dope.

    It's dope and only dope which brands me a criminal.

    Illegal drugs are poison. We do ourselves harm when we abuse them. All too often drug abuse ends up killin us. DF advocates harm reduction to save lives and minimize the harm we inflict upon ourselves when we indulge in drug abuse.

    Drug abuse also puts us in harm's way in regards to the draconian punishments inflicted upon us when we get popped. Our defense attorneys can thus be viewed as one form of judicial harm reduction. We should each practice judicial harm reduction just as we abide by DF's harm reductive philosophy cuz runnin afoul of the mounties can have such a devastating (and unjust) impact on our lives.

    Fat Jack is hot. His apartment is hot. He's done state time for dealin and he's dealin today outta the very same apartment he was dealin outta when he got popped.

    Only once (when we were introduced) have I ever actually set foot inside Fat Jack's place. Fat Jack delivers. I pay him a lil bit for performin this service. This is one judicial harm reductive tactic I use.

    If Fat Jack ain't mobile and I gotta go to him, in the interest of judicial harm reduction, I dial up my point man, Izzy, who, for a price, is willin to assume the risk involved in makin a buy from a hot dealer in a hot location on my behalf. Izzy's a heroin addict and a decent guy and he's always ready at a moment's notice to make a run with me, so I'm always exceedingly generous with him.

    A 40-somethin hardcore neck-shootin junkie with no car, no job, and livin with his parents, Izzy's kinda sub-functional and he's gotta hustle everyday to keep from gettin sick, so I kinda look out for him even when he ain't loggin billable hours on my clock. I really wish he'd get clean cuz he's shonuf livin in the shadow of his tombstone.

    I implement specific judicial harm reduction tactics tailored for specific dealers and specific circumstances. I also observe a few basic judicial harm reductive rules that are SOP, (standard operating procedure) in pretty much all situations.

    Two of these are; I score well in advance of my needs, and I score in bulk.

    Scorin in advance of my needs prevents me from bein reckless outta sheer desperation cuz I'm already sick or on the verge of bein sick. Scorin in bulk means less trips to the well, which means reduced odds of gettin popped and bein far less likely to establish an easily discernable pattern that even the dumbest cop will spot eventually.

    There's several more lil harm reductive safety tips that I observe in order to avoid gettin popped, such as keepin my ride in good workin order and the tags and registration up to date so I don't get pulled over, but I gotta stay mindful that harm reduction implies that harm, tho reduced, still remains a certainty.

    Recovery thru abstinence is the only way I can achieve genuine immunity from the many harmful consequences of my habit


  1. trdofbeingtrd
    I jut realized my entire reply here was in vain. Moderators, I deleted this entry and edited because I realize the whole reply was showing yet more of my recent ignorance and stubbornness to think before I talk.
      PastorFuzz likes this.
  2. trdofbeingtrd
    If this was the whole story I would strongly suggest you follow your instincts you are presenting to the audience.
      PastorFuzz likes this.
  3. PastorFuzz
    Howzitgoin, @trdofbeingtrd! Please don't edit on my account. Say whatever you gotta say. I appreciate you reading, and I appreciate you sharin your thots, includin displays of stubbornness and ignorance and anything you wanna put out there. I respect you and anyone else for bein straight up with me, even if we're in disagreement. I'm assumin by followin my instincts, you're urging me to enter into recovery. If so, I thank you for speakin in favor of my health and well-being. I know you've been in recovery for 9? years, and I respect the shit outta that and I agree, after nearly a half century of chemical bombardment you'd think I'd be ready for a better quality of life. Anyway, what I ain't too clear on is the phrase "if this was the whole story" with which you prefaced your comment. Please clarify when you gotta minute. Hey I hope you're havin a decent night. Many thanx
  4. trdofbeingtrd
    In recovery longer than that LOL

    I edited my first post because I did not recognize that maybe you didn’t want to finish the story.

    I urge you to be happy, truly happy. Chemicals are fake, I would rather die feeling real happiness than live constantly neverendingly in fake happiness. I know that’s a strong statement and I know this is raw talk but we ain’t living in sugar land with rainbow colored glasses.

    Please see though that’s me personally. I would never push such a strong philosophy on someone who wouldn’t agree or would make a strong choice between the two.

    For you, follow that gut instinct. You know regardless if it’s your physical well being or if it’s Johnny law, sooner or later it catches up to you. This isn’t the type of game you bet on the odds against and again, you do already know this.

    The way I would look at it, considering you are brave enough to see the bleak future that can await you by those that travel the road most traveled by, why not really test your threasholds by achieving sobriety. Let’s face it, not many can. The only difference between them and myself is the love I recognize from my family. Some don’t have that luxury and I’m a dick for not keeping that in the front of my views.

    For sure I would say to get sober, you do have enough love potentially for yourself.....you just have to allow it to show itself. Also, as you said before, we are your family as well. Strangers here do love and care for other strangers.

    Having a decent night, hope yours is well also.
      friend1980, Mingo123 and PastorFuzz like this.
  5. JaneDeux
    Criminal behavior, in my opinion, can be a powerful addiction. Some engage in crime due to their circumstances, others just plain enjoy it. It seems you have left that lifestyle behind with the exception of drug procurement and use on a personal scale. Good.

    I married a crime addict and observed lawlessness for the sheer delight in it. Needless to say a union between a crime lover and a person who is, for the most part, law abiding makes for interesting and heated pillow talk.

    I don't know (and don't need to know) if your pursuits were circumstantial or adrenaline seeking or a combination of both. I can tell you I'm glad you left it behind.

    Take it easy, Jane
      PastorFuzz likes this.
  6. RaoulDuke32
    I dont agree that drugs create a fake state of well being or happiness. Its not fake, Its just incomplete and unsustainable.

    Thats the big one: Unsustainable. Drugs work for a while. They just are a terrible long term solution.

    My friend says the first thing he tells people in recovery is Get Yourself Legal. WHatever it takes. Methadone or suboxone might be just more drugs and harder to get off for some but they are also a legal route that will get you away from the potential of ending up in a cage.
      jazzyj9 and PastorFuzz like this.
  7. trdofbeingtrd
    Chemical happiness is fake happiness......

    It really makes you happy, but you are cheating the system and have to pay for it......well, unti the “fair” police show up.
      jazzyj9 and PastorFuzz like this.
  8. PastorFuzz
    Howzitgoin @JaneGault! I'm so very grateful for your unwavering support and friendship. Many times when I'm goin thru difficulties, or depression or have gotten myself into trouble here on DF, you're often the very first person to reach out to me. When I've been the village idiot; crass, inflammatory, controversial, you were steadfast. The times I've been a disappointment, an embarrassment, and an abrasive SOB, causing others to quite justifiably withdraw their support, you have stood by me without fail ever single time. You and a few others are why I've come to view DF as family.

    Just as I knew I was an addict before I ever took my first hit, I somehow knew I was destined to be an outcast from the mainstream and a felon. Part of it is the rush. I'm intoxicated by it, but now I pursue the rush through the treetops, as I need to go do right now. I'll circle back around later. I hope your day is good! many hugs to you, my friend!
      JaneGault likes this.
  9. PastorFuzz
    Many thanx for weighing in @RaoulDuke32. Unsustainable. Yep. I tend to think of it terms of some days the drugs are good to me and some days they ain't.

    Get Yourself Legal. Amen

    @trdofbeingtrd, it's good to see you back. Many thanx. Chemical happiness, in my opinion, is genuine, but as you said, it comes with a price. Perhaps chemical happiness ain't true happiness cuz it's triggered by artificial means.

    When I wake up I know the best part of my day is over.

    I've said that on here before, but the statement still holds water. Anyway, I take my happiness as I find it and sometimes its chemically induced, or at least chemically amplified.

    The only times I'm happy...I ain't crazy bout that word....the only times I'm content is when I'm high or when I'm asleep, and I'm high most of the time. I
    ain't crazy bout the word "high" either, to tell you the truth. I'm always stoned but seldom high.

    Our emotions tend to become less pronounced as we age. Mine have. Contentment is what I'm goin for. Happiness is to me a lil extreme, kinda like kids jumpin up and down and screamin like idiots. That ain't me, ain't never been me. Ever watch Family Feud? The families that win the twenty grand get in a lil circle and jump up and down and scream. You get one shot in your whole fuckin life to be on national TV and that's what you do?! Morons. Two days later they'll be fussin at one another like buzzards on a fly-blown carcass. I don't care if I win fifty grand. I ain't jumpin up and down and screamin like a fuckin idiot unless that's exactly what I gotta do to earn the fifty grand.

    But I'm side-trackin here. Sorry. I'm closin in on 60, i'll be 59 my next cake day. Shit I never would have imagined I'd live this long. Anyway, for an old fart like me, happiness becomes contentment and sadness becomes acceptance. Contentment and acceptance ain't really so far apart. Generally, that's how it is for me. Dope don't influence that too much...unless I run out. That can make me a lil tense. Sad ain't it?

    I know I live a sub-standard life cuz of my habits, and maybe a lil bit cuz of my felonious past. I kinda like what @JaneGault termed crime addict. I guess that's a good fit for me. I ain't ever thot bout it quite that way. I didn't phrase that in the past tense cuz it's still in me. I still revel in the rush. I find it in the trees.

    I gotta side job which has a few superficial similarities to a criminal existence and I enjoy the shit outta it. I'm the point man for a slumlord who owns properties in a couple of San Anto's notorious low-income high-crime neighborhoods. I collect overdue rent, serve and oversee evictions, and various other unpleasant lil chores. I'm this old lady's boots on the ground.

    It's dicey work which I usually do at night; a lone white guy drivin around in a predominantly black "projects", I'm carryin lotta cash so I gotta tote a pistol. It brings the old days to mind. And I like it. What does that say bout me? Shit if I know. It ain't somethin I devote a lotta thot to.

    I ain't a criminal and I won't ever become criminal. Not again. There ain't a lot in this world I can call mine. One thing I do have that I value and strive to keep is my integrity. I can't be what I was once, can't do the shit I once did, not without compromisin my values, not without the forfeit of my integrity.

    I work hard, kick ass and pay my own way.

    I'm proud of that. I don't steal. I don't hustle my friends. I prefer to work for what I got even tho it means havin quite a lot less. I'm ok with that. Dope don't influence that too much either.

    However, the influence that dope does have on my existence is comprehensive, all-encompassin, and remains the single most dominant aspect of my troglodyte existence. I got nearly a half century of chemical worship; a slave kneelin before the great and mighty false idol. False hope.

    I've been able to restore and cling to my integrity, but I sold my fuckin soul almost five decades ago to a capricious chemical deity who's kept my dice in a vice ever since.

    Has it been good?
    Yeah, it's been somewhat decent, I guess.
    Was the somewhat decent aspect worth the price? (Being mindful of the fact I ain't done payin that price)
    Hell no, it ain't even fuckin close to bein worth the price!

    It's unsustainable

    Y'all have a decent night
    Many thanx
      jazzyj9, trdofbeingtrd and JaneGault like this.
  10. jazzyj9
    Drugs are substitutes. Does your heart desire something? Does your soul need something? Passion, belonging, nourishment, safety, comfort, love? Instead of giving ourselves what we really want and need, we provide a substitute (drugs, sex, sugar). A chemical will provide a substitute for the real thing and that's what we give ourselves. Instead of feeling pain, shame, loss, etc, we will numb ourselves so we can feel good. Everyone does this avoidance and substitution to different extents.

    In order to change, you have to find out what you really want and need and be willing to give it to yourself. It's not heroin that you really want. You may end up on your death bed without having truly lived life. Don't do that. Harm reduction and going at your own pace are good but don't lose sight of actually quitting.
      PastorFuzz likes this.
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