Preparing for first home methadone detox - Part 8

By siouxzee369 · Nov 4, 2014 · ·
  1. I used heroin last night for the first time in 2 weeks :(

    It was the first time since I started this detox that I haven't been able to somehow distract a craving and it turned into an over whelming urge.

    I put the powder on the foil and sat just looking at it for ages, still trying to convince myself to throw it away. I felt myself getting choked up and eventually tears rolled down my cheeks.

    I was crying because I couldn't control the battle in my head, I felt weak and like the addiction was winning. I succumbed to the dragon, melted the gear onto the foil and smoked it. Obviously I didn't feel anything good from it because my opiate receptors are already filled by methadone.

    All I did feel was angry with myself but once I'd had a good cry and got it all out of my system, it allowed me to look at the lapse in a more positive light.

    So what if I used just this once, it don't mean I've got to do it again or go right back to the start. I've worked damned hard these last 2 weeks and as I've read somewhere, lapses are part of the recovery process. They are mistakes that we must learn from and keep going forward.

    So that's what I plan to do, keep positive and active and keep reminding myself why I'm doing this and what the consequences would be if should I fail.

    I am a strong person and I can do this, as every craving peaks and then passes, I feel even more empowered and positive that I can handle this detox alone. My partner is no help, the local drug service is a joke, I only have my own willpower and the support of you guys on here, but I will succeed.

    Thanks to everyone for their kind words and advice, be lucky, Sue xx

Comments

  1. Jungledog
    Sue,

    Relapse is part of recovery. Just say "fuck it," forgive yourself, and get back on your path. YOU CAN DO THIS but you are the one who must believe this. Next time you have an urge get on here and type your thoughts out like a mad woman. Put it on the page...this so helps me think out my issues...perhaps it will help you too.

    Hugs from afar,
    JD
  2. opiatebattler
    Hi Sue...

    Wow! You really are up against it there. Trying to get clean while living with someone in active addiction is hard. I think you did really well to get where you are.

    This lapse you had, it's just one of those things that happen. Personally I think having a bit of gear and not feeling much because of the methadone could help you in the long run. Because your receptors are full of methadone, you now know that heroin does nothing. Therefore, when temptation is there in the future, it will be a lot less tempting as there's no payoff. So in a way, your lapse could make it easier to stay away. It did for me.

    Im really sorry to hear that your drug service is no help. What about seeing a psychologist not related to that service? Someone you can offload to regularly.

    You seem like a very strong woman Sue...you want this and you will get it.

    Good luck
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