I used heroin last night for the first time in 2 weeks
It was the first time since I started this detox that I haven't been able to somehow distract a craving and it turned into an over whelming urge.
I put the powder on the foil and sat just looking at it for ages, still trying to convince myself to throw it away. I felt myself getting choked up and eventually tears rolled down my cheeks.
I was crying because I couldn't control the battle in my head, I felt weak and like the addiction was winning. I succumbed to the dragon, melted the gear onto the foil and smoked it. Obviously I didn't feel anything good from it because my opiate receptors are already filled by methadone.
All I did feel was angry with myself but once I'd had a good cry and got it all out of my system, it allowed me to look at the lapse in a more positive light.
So what if I used just this once, it don't mean I've got to do it again or go right back to the start. I've worked damned hard these last 2 weeks and as I've read somewhere, lapses are part of the recovery process. They are mistakes that we must learn from and keep going forward.
So that's what I plan to do, keep positive and active and keep reminding myself why I'm doing this and what the consequences would be if should I fail.
I am a strong person and I can do this, as every craving peaks and then passes, I feel even more empowered and positive that I can handle this detox alone. My partner is no help, the local drug service is a joke, I only have my own willpower and the support of you guys on here, but I will succeed.
Thanks to everyone for their kind words and advice, be lucky, Sue xx