quitting opiates cold turkey- on day 3 - Part 32

By smith9666 · Dec 2, 2014 · ·
  1. JD & LG,

    thanks for reading my extremely long reply from last night LOL.

    I don't think I have dealt with how I feel yet. I do need to stop and put some thought into this over the next couple months. As far as PTSD goes, I'm not sure if I have that. Of course it was diagnosed but I kind of feel my symptoms are completely normal considering the circumstances. The only thing that isn't so normal about it is that I'm not really emotional about it and never have been. Prior to this incident I was very social as far as friends go. Almost instantly i no longer wanted to be around people. I secluded myself from most of my friends and I just enjoy being by myself. Still do but I'm not so sure its something that I can change or want to change if that makes sense. Its almost as of my personality has changed completely. Things I used to enjoy I no longer do. It does feel like it was yesterday as far as my memory goes. I recall what I was wearing, who was working that day and even small things like the weather. My memory sucks so I find that interesting.

    Okay so how it made me feel.... I'm not sure angry is the right word for it but that's the closest one I can come up with. I was a little angry that someone who is at work, minding their own business can easily become a victim without doing anything wrong. I think I just kind of stayed mad and at no point did I cry about it. Its been almost 11 months so i doubt I will.

    I also question whether or not I did anything wrong. We all think we know how we will deal with it if something like this every happens to us but what we think and what really happens are completely different. They use part of the video in a training video for managers and at first I was not okay with it. I think I just felt that I would be judged or criticized for my part in it or looked down on for my actions. Obviously this was just my fears and nobody was judging me.

    I'm not really sure what to do from here. I feel like I have taken the right steps as far as seeking professional help. I have faith in my therapist and I think he has gained my trust. He shared some of his history with me ... Probably to gain my trust seeing how I don't talk to a lot of people about this. He did 3 tours in iraq and was discharged after an injury. PTSD is obviously something he has dealt with to a much bigger spectum then I have but it was nice to be able to talk to someone who understood the nightmares and how they aren't just typical "bad dreams".

    Today went well. No WD symptoms but I think I'm still feeling icky from stopping the Zrytec. I have gone back on it but I just feel " sick" overall. Not too bad but I slept most of the day which was kind of nice but I'm still tired. I hope I'm not up all night due to sleeping so much today. LOL.

Comments

  1. Jungledog
    LG,

    Oh God could I tell you stories about the ER. One night we had this asshole patient who was high as fuck on meth (yes, this is a reoccurring theme if you work in the ER) and was so fucking out of control he stood up with a several hundred pound stretcher tied to his back!!! He was connected to it with leather restraints that we foolishly thought would hold him. The doctor looked at me and screamed "propofol!" This is an induction drug for anesthesia. It knocks you right the fuck out and can cause you to forget to breathe. So they pinned him and the stretcher against the wall. I pushed the drug in his IV. Then we frantically untied him, laid him on another stretcher, intubated him and placed him on a ventilator. The doctor was sooo pissed at this guy as he actually had injured two people and had completed terrified the whole ER so he instructed me to paralyze him with a drug called pavulon and told me I was NOT to sedate him. (Usually you sedate someone you paralyze as it is pretty freaky to see, feel, and hear everything around you but not be able to move). So this guy laid on the stretcher completely paralyzed but AWAKE for 24 hours. The next day when the drugs wore off, they extubated him and off to jail he went.

    Yeah, NEVER piss of the ER doctor. He or she will fuck with you and they will win. Hell piss them off enough and they will Baker act your ass and lock you up for 3 days. Seen that happen a few times too.

    I have seen truly awful things though. There really, really are evil people in this world. I got in the habit of stripping every kid under 10 down to nothing. I did it on purpose to look for marks and burns. I delivered a baby out of an 11 year old who had been sexually assaulted by her neighbor. The kid did not know she was pregnant (heavy girl). I will never forget the mother's face when she realized her child had been raped and now had to deliver a baby.

    Or the night a 40 year old woman came in with a severe asthma attack and we could not revive her. Her 6 year old son had called 911 so they brought him along in the ambulance as he would have been left alone. I sat on the stretcher with him and her dead body for an hour waiting for family members to arrive. How do you console a child so young?

    But you know what? I saw beauty and strength in the ER too. I saw complete strangers (patients and friends and family of patients) offer up money, cell phones, food, clothing, and hell even car rides to other patients (and their friends and family). I saw a gang member leave and bring donuts back to the old folks waiting to be seen. I watched volunteers offer blankets, soft words, and comfort. There was good there and that is what I hold onto. Because if I think too much about the bad it makes me ache. It was very, very stressful.

    The worst thing by far that ever happened there was this. I was in triage. One of the nurses, let's call her Diane, complained of a headache. I had Tylenol in my locker so I gave her 2. About an hour later into this super busy day, Diane was vomiting. She had a history of migraines so nobody thought too much about this. An hour after that she became confused. We did a STAT CT brain. She had a HUGE bleed in her brain. Neuro-surgery was called but it was too late. We coded our friend 4 times that night. The ER doctor cried as he intubated her. The next day she was declared brain dead leaving behind 2 teenagers and a devastated husband. They harvested her organs the day after that. It was just awful. I still have her memorial paper in my bible. She was an amazing, kind person.

    Ugh. Yeah the ER was a painful nearly 10 years of my life. But it was also the place I learned to be a solid provider. I learned how to prioritize, move quickly and efficiently, to make difficult decisions in seconds, and save lives. I learned to laugh and find joy. I mean some really, really funny shit happened too.

    One night this 70 year old guy waddled in. He had shoved a very large dildo up his butt. The doctor took an xray and there it was! So he asked him "So, do you need me to get this thing out or do you just need me to change the batteries??" I almost peed myself. OMG. He ended up fisting the guy to dig this thing out! We nicknamed the doctor "Digger" and even got him a T-shirt at the holidays with the nickname on it! God, we had fun! People put all kinds of objects up their butts! I saw the removal of a carrot, a cucumber, a dead hamster (don't ask), and a bottle of Prell shampoo that he stated he "fell on in the shower." LOL I had a woman with 16 wash clothes stuffed in her vagina and another had an entire jar of Vaseline in there. I could write a really good book about our adventures.

    OK, sorry Smith for hijacking your thread with this tangent! But I hope the last part makes you all laugh. We NEED to laugh!!! :)

    Jungledog added 5 Minutes and 27 Seconds later...

    Smith,

    What you describe is PTSD. I did the same thing. I felt angry and disconnected for a long time. The whole thing felt surreal.

    I am so glad that you have a therapist that understands. I think that is important as I really believe you can't understand this unless you have lived it. I know that for me it took me awhile to process it...I mean a few years. I still talk about it in a detached sense. The dreams have lessened and time helps.

    Google yoga and PTSD. Sounds crazy but there is research that suggests it really helps the brain heal after trauma. It can't hurt.

    Much love!
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