Thanks LG. You are so supportive, I really do appreciate it.
I guess I'm just scared of the process and the unknown. I've been having nightmares again like before right after the incident and I think it's just scaring me because I thought I was over it. Those really mess me up mentally for the entire day and it just sucks. I don't know what is triggering it because it's been so long... Maybe not so much but it feels like it. Almost a year now. They feel so real and just bring back every feeling and fear I had that day. The scariest part is that it doesnt feel like a dream at the time. Then I wake up and it has only been 2-3 hours since I actually fell asleep so going back to sleep is near impossible. I'm always sweating and my heart beat is so fast and 'heavy'. Feels like I just sprinted for hours and it takes me a while just to get it back to normal.
I guess I just don't understand fully why I keep having them so it scares me.
smith9666 added 100 Minutes and 39 Seconds later...
Wow I cannot believe its been that long. Just when I'm feeling down and depressed I can read that number and already I feel so much better. Soon it will be 60 days, then 90 and then a year. I actually see that happening which is good.
Okay so the past few days haven't been so good. Its hard to explain why they have been bad. I haven't really been having cravings or anything like that, I just have felt a little depressed.
I started having the nightmares again which was not something I thought I would have to deal with. Not just once but a few times this past week. It really stresses me out when I have one and throws off my entire day. Then I go to work with the incident fresh on my mind about the robbery and have to deal with the anxiety of that day all over again. Little things can really make it worse. Just counting the deposit is a trigger and I actually felt sick to my stomach yesterday during this and threw up too. I've never had anxiety this bad after having one of the nightmares but this is the first time that I have been sober during these types of days so I have nothing to compare it to. Right after the incident I just over medicated and I still felt anxious but I was also numb from the meds.
So now I have nothing to use to help cope with this and I'm not really sure what to do. I talked to my boss today about it. He was there during this incident so he is someone I can go to about it and be completely open. He suggested that I take a LOA from work for a little while and take some time to just relax and deal with all of this. If he would have said that when I was still using I would have punched him LOL. For some reason it actually is sounding like I good option. I can take as much time off as I want (up to 2 years) and the first 3 months would be paid at full salary wages so there really isn't any reason I shouldn't. Ive been with this company for 11 years and have never taken time off. Nothing more then a sick day here and there. Maybe a couple times a year max so I really wouldn't feel bad doing this. It's something that is offered for situations like this and I'm thinking I should take my company up on this opportunity. I'm not sure if all companies offer this but I'm glad they do. I know everyone can take LAO's but I don't think every place pays the salary in full for 3 months.
So that is where I am at right now. I kind of feel like I'm back at square one as of almost a year ago when this incident happened. The difference is that I'm sober and not able to hide my feelings with narcotics. I really do want to deal with this emotionally but I'm scared at the same time. The nightmares are my biggest issue right now. They just seem so real and the dream is always the same. Every detail and every second is the same. I enjoy dreaming again because it is nice and I think I have been sleeping better now that I do dream but this is definately a down fall of this. I think the narcotics prevented me from having the nightmares the last 6 months or so of using because of the amount of them I was using.
Thanks again everyone for reading and for your support. Im sorry my posts have been negative lately. I kind of feel like I'm letting you guys down but I owe it to myself and to you guys to be honest in this thread. I will be using this as something to read back on for the times I want to give up or when I'm tempted to use again. I've only had to do that once the past couple weeks and when I got to day 9 of reading my urge was gone. So I think its necessary that I be a little more descriptive then I have been and more honest with myself about how I feel. No more hiding my feelings behind "today was good. All is well" LOL.
Love you guys!