Quitting oxycodone using suboxone taper. - Part 29

By Hydroxyout · Nov 4, 2014 · ·
  1. Hey everyone. Thanks a lot for checkin in.

    Work was really busy so I had zero time to have my thoughts wonder off. Did have some thoughts of scoring right after I finished and on my way home. I'm feeling pretty good overall. Energy level was better than the past few days. The only thing that happened is right after we put the boys to sleep, I was overcome with a sudden powerful sadness. Don't know why. I tried to figure it out. Maybe it's the fact that I lived this double life for many years. Maybe because I fought all alone. Maybe just shame and guilt.

    I keep thinking back to the day my wife started having contractions and went to the hospital at 28 weeks 6 days. I came right away from work. I say by her and held her hand while doctors gave her a bunch of meds in hopes of slowing down or stopping the contractions. I watched her face cringe in pain. My heart felt like it hurt with ever contraction she was having. Then they have her fentanyl and the pain eased. That made me feel better and as soon as I stepped out to have a smoke I made arrangements for my "guy" to drop off oxys at the hospital. What a fucking piece of shit I was. My wife was in pain with the contractions and all I could think about is I have to get enough for a couple days and then I'll have him drop off more. I just feel so low. Fucking selfish prick.

    Sorry. That's the type of mood I'm in right now.

Comments

  1. Jungledog
    Hydroxyout,

    I feel ashamed of many of the things I have done while on drugs...I think we all do. Yes, it is shame and guilt. For me it is also some level of despair...that I would morph into this non caring thing who puts herself before all else. It is depressing but thinking about it isn't helpful. Breaking out of this cycle means tossing out the old ways and adopting others.

    Would telling your wife help? I mean I will ways be here but maybe you now need to tell someone close to you what you have been through? I don't know, this stuff is so very complicated. Hang in there and keep me updated!

    Hugs,
    JD
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