Quitting oxycodone using suboxone taper. - Part 40

By Hydroxyout · Nov 23, 2014 · ·
  1. Hey everyone. I'm sorry i haven't checked in. With deep sadness and regret I have to say I relapsed on the 19th. Binged for 4 days and now I'm back to day 1.

    I feel like I let all of my readers and supporters down. I'm really sorry.

    The night of the 18th one of my boys had a fever and when I changed him I noticed his testicles were red and swollen. So we rushed him to urgent care where the pediatrician said this looks like a hernia and has to be operated on immediately. So we went to the er where they did a whole bunch of tests and by that time his poor testicles were like four times the normal size and swollen. He was in pain. After many hours and countless tests they figured it was a rare infection called epididymitis. He had to be admitted and I stayed with him for two nights in the hospital while my wife was home with the other two.

    Seeing him in that condition and suffering just made me want to numb myself and this time I couldn't stop it. It's the same excuse I used to use in the past. Something bad happens, get drugs.

    I feel so weak to just give in like that and I feel I have betrayed all of you.

    He's home now and it's back to day 1 for my recovery.

    I'll keep the journal going because this is far from over.

    I'm sorry and hope you're all doing good.



  1. Jungledog
    I missed you and I was worried. I wondered if that was what was happening. :(

    First, sorry about your boy. Second, pick yourself up and get going. Relapse is part of this shit but you have to get a handle on the triggers. Do you think you need suboxone again? Or what is your plan?

    I will NEVER give you shit as I have fucked up more times that I can count and I am STILL tapering this kratom crap. Stay connected. Don't skip the journal. You need the support.

  2. Hydroxyout
    Thanks JD you always make me feel better. As of right now, suboxone is not part of the plan. I just want to keep going. I realize that relapse is a part of it but I just feel so stupid. I feel like it was almost a month gone down the drain.

    Love you hon. Thanks for your words they mean the world to me.
  3. Jungledog
    Let it go. It is not the number of days. It is the eventual parade that matters. Figure out how to beat your triggers and cope in a way that does not involve drugs. I want you to think on something. You told a story of when your wife gave birth and you then went and scored. Now your boy is hospitalized and you did the same thing? What is the underlying trigger here?

  4. Lilacs46
    If you knew how many times I've tried to quit and relapsed you wouldn't feel so down on yourself. I would quit, see my son using and make an excuse to use myself. I may be wrong, but i feel as though this time will be THE time that I actually make it. I hate these pills, and if I keep using I could lose everything. I don't want end up homeless. That is why I told my son that he is quitting too or he will be out of here. I love him, but I just can't handle it anymore.

    So, give yourself a break, when you are really ready, nothing will stop you from quitting for good.
  5. lostlygirl
    I am so sorry to hear about your boy. I am glad he is doing better. That sounds awfully painful.

    Never look at it as a month down the drain. Look at it the other way, a month clean. That's huge. That's a lot of time under your belt and you should be proud of that. I am proud of that.

    Just dust yourself off and keep trucking. You'll get there. Unfortunately, the reality is that after years of drug use we have to retrain our brains. Its not like riding a bike in that when we know how, we can simply not ride for years and then get right back on where we left off.

    We need to literally re-learn every aspect of our day to day lives without drugs. I would highly question anyone who was able to do it without some form of relapse. Its not the nature of the beast. Ultimately it comes down to the decisions you make after the relapse, not the relapse itself. A perfect detox doesn't exist. The road is littered with all kinds of shit, and because of that many people just give up, often times when they are really close to the finishing line. It's not how many times you fail, it's how many times you get up and keep going.

    Seeing your boy hurt was hard. Anyone can understand relapses, but especially in times of stress. You now know one of your big triggers and can plan for it when it happens again.

    I am glad your boy is doing better. One of my sons was born with a testicle that didn't descend, and when he was 2 they surgically found it and put it back where it was meant to be. It looked unbearably painful. It's so hard to see your kids in pain.

    I don't think you should have nearly the issues with withdrawals as in the past, at least I hope not. Let us know what the withdrawals are like. I am curious as to if they are less intense.

    I want to thank you for the courage to be vulnerable, honest, and real. That takes guts to put it all out here. You are a good man and a great dad, and we love and care about you. We are cheering for you every step of the way.

    Hugs, xxoo
  6. Jungledog

    Just checking on you my friend. How are things going? We have come up with a plan for a real rose parade next summer (discussion on my thread) and am hoping you are in! You are always in my thoughts my friend. We CAN do this.

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