Hey Jungle welcome to DF and thanks for taking the time to reply!
Regarding Gabapentin. Yes I can get it prescribed and I know it helps but for now I want to try and do this as medication free as possible. The only reason I have Ativan is because I'v had it prescribed to me for years now. With that said, your second suggestion appeals to me much more as I love to work out so ill definitely look into it.
A little update. Yesterday at 9 pm I did end up taking .125 of suboxone and 1 mg Ativan. Not sure if that dose of suboxone did much because today I woke up on my own at 5:30 am (I usually never wake up on my own that early). Fed the boys. Now getting ready for work.
I certainly feel better today than I did yesterday morning so I'm hoping the day will go better. It's another really busy day at work and then I have a week off so it's a good time to jump. Scary but I know it needs to happen at some point and this might be that point.
Thanks again. Keep fighting.
Hydroxyout added 800 Minutes and 39 Seconds later...
I'm so tired. Tired of trying again and again. Tired of feeling like a failure. I feel beat down. I was debating about weather or not to post but have to be honest with myself and others. Last two days I was down to taking .125 Mgs of suboxone and today life got to me and I relapsed again on 20 Mgs of hydrocodone. It didn't even feel good because the entire time after I just felt like a fucking pill slut. Slave to a drug. In the morning I felt so strong but by the afternoon I was so weak that I fucking gave in.
I got a text from one of my old hookups asking me how I was doing (came from an unfamiliar number since all the contacts were deleted by me). I consciously made the decision to ask about pills and pick them up. Now I just feel like crying. Why do I keep doing this shit and when will I stop? I'm tired of just fighting alone.
In planning on opening up about my situation to a close friend and I know she will keep it to herself and hopefully support me. I just need someone to know what I'm going through.
For a moment I thought I'd keep it to myself and not post here fearing I'll be judged. I will just have to keep trying. I think I'm ready to enlist the help of kratom. I feel like such a pussy. Can't even look at myself today without being disgusted.
My week off work starts today and I'm back to work on the 3rd of November so I'm going to use this time to try and detox completely. Fuck I'm tired.
Hydroxyout added 2 Minutes and 38 Seconds later...
Today also marks the exact 4 month mark of me starting suboxone. One step forward two steps back. :_[