Day 35 Kratom Taper
Good morning all! I slept 6 solid hours last night. I never sleep very long before my clinical day. I think these days weigh heavily on me so this interrupts my sleep. I also broke my sleep routine because my younger daughter got injured yesterday and I ended up on the phone with her until 11pm.
Anyhow, I feel OK. I seem a little less tired today. The sleep I did get seems to be of good quality. I also think my decision to resign has lifted a great weight from my soul. I think what I have been struggling with is leaving my patients but I have watched the doctor I work with morph into a person I no longer want to know. He used to spend time with his patients and love on them. In the past year I have watched him turn into a greedy bastard who cares only about his 10 million dollar custom home on the intercoastal, his boat, his Maserati, and his money. He no longer spends time with patients...too busy talking to his builder and financial investor on the phone. I have been watching patients begin to leave and the whole thing makes me sad and angry. So today I will give 2 weeks notice and move my time and skills to a loving free clinic where the providers work for pennies and love what they do. I do not know how my finances are going to work out but I will simply trust that they will. Sometimes when we do what the universe knows is best, things really do just work out. I do though expect today to end with a screaming match which will not be great for my stress levels but that is OK. My plan is to be professional and if he is an ass I will simply walk out. I have done this to him before. This time I will not be back.
Sparkles, I agree with the sleep hygiene thing. I actually do have a routine and I think it is really important. I usually take a nice hot bath or shower, do my restorative yoga, listen to soft music, turn the lights down low, and read. I do use melatonin. I find it helps some but when the AI is full bore...really nothing helps except working really hard to reduce my daytime stress so my cortisol doesn't rise at night. With AI what happens in the circadian rhythms get all fucked up. Cortisol is supposed to be highest in early morning...this is what wakes us up. With AI, the cortisol tends to surge at 2-3am and will literally wake me with what feels like a panic attack...heart racing, impending doom, chest pain. That is what was happening to me last week. I have now been meticulous about self care and with the additional of clonidine at bedtime, I seem to be sleeping again. Thank God.
So folks who are reading, we (Sparkles and I) strongly encourage you to practice sleep hygiene. What does this mean? Let me tell you what I teach students and patients. It means getting your ass to bed at the SAME consistent time each night. Dim the lights. Modern electricity has screwed up our natural rhythms. When we lived on the farms and it naturally got dark in the evening, we headed to bed. We did NOT sit up watching TV or on the computer with tons of electric light. What happens as the light drops is our natural production of melatonin rises making us sleepy. So within 1 hour of bed turn off all electronics (especially the TV and computer as the flickering lights mess with our hormones) and shift to dimly lit areas. Do something relaxing. Take a bath. Do some restorative yoga. Read in dim light. Spray lavender on your pillow. When you are ready for bed, shut off the light and THEN take your dose of melatonin in the dark if you need it. Remove all electronics from within 6 feet of your bed. This includes your cell phone and alarm clock. Their electro-magnetic fields screw up your brain waves as you sleep and disrupt the quality of sleep. Also keep the bedroom cool, wear comfy PJs, and consider using a fan or a white noise machine (I do) to help drown out noise. All of this will really help you sleep!
OK. I have to head off to get ready for work. I probably won't be able to post today until I return. I will let you all know how things work out. I would REALLY appreciate positive thoughts and supportive vibes being sent my way today. I need to do this for my emotional health but it will not be easy ending a 5 year relationship.
Jungledog added 458 Minutes and 40 Seconds later...
Mid Day Day 35
Well, I tried to quit. What we agreed to is I will do the next 2 weeks and then after that I will not be available to do any more hours until May when the semester is over. He took it well and with grace although I felt pretty guilty as it was obvious that he was 1) shocked and 2) hurt. I did my best to explain it wasn't personal but business and that I simply can't keep my current pace. He knows I have been struggling with the AI, as he was the one who diagnosed it. But we have been together for a long time so it will take some getting used to for the both of us. It was the right choice for me. I feel lousy and I need to heal. I can't do that in that high stress environment. I just can't. He also gave me the afternoon off!
Detox wise I am OK. I actually screwed up again and left the house without kratom. So I had a dose at 5am and did not have another dose about a half hour ago so that was quite a long stretch. I was starting to really drag. Sitting here waiting for it to kick in. Anyhow, I essentially skipped a dose but I do not want to go up on the actual dose either as that isn't good. So not quite sure what to do about it except move on.
Considering a nap. Hope you all are well and getting ready for Turkey Day if you live here in the US.
Hugs to all,
Jungledog added 131 Minutes and 40 Seconds later...
Ok so I am having an interesting day. Was feeling pretty shitty so I thought "Self why don't you just take a little more kratom as you skipped a dose earlier?" I then started scratching this damn bug bite I got yesterday and took a dose of an antihistamine too. So 40 minutes later I feel the familiar opiate like glow coming on and think "oh shit you idiot you just potentiated the kratom!" Ugh. Being warm and glowing is counter to my goals. On the upside, it is nice to get a reprieve from feeling generally shitty.
My tolerance has to be really down to catch a buzz from this stuff and that thought makes me happy.