Yeah. I filled the prescription but I have not taken any. I have no intention of giving up and I will not go back to daily use. Mentally I can't. I just can't. I have worked too fucking hard to get here...2 months basically clean of opiates. The taper is going well and detox wise I feel pretty damn good. My neck and arm pain has been bad the past 2 days. The burning pain down the back of my arm is driving me crazy. I took the new Gralis crap and it helped a little but I didn't take the full 1800 mg. I guess tomorrow I will be brave and take the dose prescribed. I have never taken that much at once. I have taken it as divided doses.
I think my doctor was just trying to tell me to be realistic. I have both a brachial plexus injury and the neck issues. If I had a bad herniation (I did but they with time and physical therapy slid mostly back in place) or stenosis, then they could do surgery. But the multiple surgical evals I have had done all resulted in the surgeons telling me that they think most of my issue is the brachial plexus injury and that isn't fixable. My blood pressure today was 170/90 WITH my BP meds. It is pain related. He was super concerned about this and it is why he gave me the speech.
I don't feel like I have big emotional issues to medicate right now. My jobs are ridiculous but they have always been ridiculous. Yes, they piss me off but it has never been a reason to numb myself. That was the whole marriage issue and we are working really hard to not go back to the drama. I think I need more time to think about this. I do though think that part of being "clean and sober" (even if you have to take the occasional med for legitimate pain) is that you are HONEST with yourself and those around you. I lied to myself about my use. I lied to my husband about my use. I think that at some point I need to begin to trust myself to use the medications as prescribed and ONLY when it feels like my fucking arm is going to fall off. NOT DAILY. NOT FIVE TIMES DAILY. If I am honest, I probably only need to take them for the really, really severe pain a few times per month. If I can't at some point trust myself, that makes me unbelievably sad.