Man I am fucking tired. I have spent the past 2 days working non-stop on university shit. The next 30 days are going to be a nightmare for me and I am seriously reconsidering if I can even jump off this month. I can't even begin to explain what has been dumped in my lap. I haven't even showered today and need to get my ass moving to get to my son's game.
Here are my issues in a nutshell. Honestly, I am really not particularly worried about abusing anything again. I have totally controlled my use for the past actually more than 2 months. If I can do this under the enormous amount of stress I currently am under...then thinking I have my head together. My biggest issue isn't deciding whether I should treat my pain with or without narcotics...it is what the hell I should do with the whole picture. I have adrenal insufficiency. THAT is my major problem. This is because I have extreme pain, extreme stress, and because the narcotics AND the pain fuck up the HPA axis. If I use the narcotics, this cycle continues but in reality if I don't use the narcotics the cycle will continue, understand?
My doctor looked at me yesterday and basically said "You are so screwed." And he is right. It doesn't matter really whether I take oxycodone or kratom or fentanyl...because if any of this stuff stays in my system...well then my body can't heal. But since AI is primarily caused by extreme stress...like from horrific daily pain...then I can't heal anyhow. Biggest mind fuck ever. Only thing I can do is keep caring for my body as best I can with yoga, meditation, good food, and rest (which is a joke.) The pain isn't going anywhere and subsequently neither is the AI. I guess I kept focusing on getting off the opiates to "cure" everything and conveniently overlooked the fact that getting off the opiates changes nothing except getting off the opiates. The fallout from the pain will remain.
Anyhow, I will stick to my taper and just see what happens. The pain today has been pretty bad but I also have a lot of stress. Going to go get my shower and go try to enjoy my kids for a few hours. Perhaps this will make me feel better.
Love to you.
Jungledog added 371 Minutes and 38 Seconds later...
End of Day
Sorry people. You will have to bare with me the next few weeks. Have an enormous amount of shit on my plate. Need to get courses prepped, have a deadline on a grant, and an article I need to submit. My nutrition stuff is going to get put on hold here. I need to focus on work for a bit.
My taper is going fine. Kept to 1.25 tsps. every 7 hours. The new super gabapentin is really helping. Have like no detox symptoms. Pain a little better tonight which is awesome.
My kid did great in his game. I have made no decisions. I am just plugging along and will see what happens. I need to focus on just getting done what needs done so I can reduce my stress. Yoga is my very best friend.
Hope you are all kicking opiate ass people. Love to you.