Ok this will be a difficult post. Ugh.
First, thank you all for your support yesterday. I was feeling like I had hit the bottom...actually I think I did. I guess that is what has to happen to force one to decide to climb up and out. I realized I was clinically depressed and had been for a very long time.
I called my PCP and then he texted me throughout the day. He's a great guy. I have taken Lexapro in the past and had been thinking that perhaps I needed to resume it. Yesterday I woke with the thought that I wished I was dead. The FIRST FUCKING thought of the day was "I wish I was dead." Fuck. No, I am not suicidal. I just am so sad and unhappy I feel hopeless. It is a very scary place to be.
So what signs of depression do I have that I did realize were a problem but I kept ignoring. I have NO energy, am irritable, have a very short fuse, angry over fucking everything, have lost interest in everything, could fucking care less about sex, cry over stupid things, insomnia, sadness, and hopelessness. This has brought about an increase in my PTSD symptoms...more nightmares and worsening anxiety.
So anyhow I started Cymbalta 30 mg daily. I may need to go to 60mg but it is best with SNRI's to start low and go slow. SNRI's are actually stronger medications than SSRI's. They improve both serotonin and norepinephrine. This helps drastically improve the energy part. They do though have a history of giving patients more side effects. My PCP is aware that my biggest complaint is chronic and persistent fatigue. It will be interesting to see if the fatigue lifts with this drug. Perhaps many of my symptoms have been depression and not all AI.
Today I actually feel a bit better. I literally went to bed yesterday around 4pm and slept until 7am. I woke up briefly and took more gabapentin and clonidine. I needed to escape. I just did.
As for the physical pain, it is sucking. I took one dose of kratom yesterday and I will probably take more today. I am OK with this. There is no high...just some relief from the constant pain. We have our annual cookie making day today and I need to get through it without screaming at anyone. This time of year simply brings me more stress. It worsened this black mood I was carrying. I realize though I have to get through it somehow for my kids.
I love you all very much. You are my rock.