Quitting Oxycodone with Loperamide- My story begins... - Part 161

By Jungledog · Dec 26, 2014 · ·
  1. Good evening guys. I just snuck upstairs for some alone time. Today really stressed me out and I guess I really need to vent to you guys. Sorry if this is kind of a down post here on this holiday.

    First, I have been so damned busy I have failed to answer some of the posts and questions people asked.

    Beach, AI is adrenal insufficiency. It happens due to extreme stress and your cortisol levels get all fucked up as do your sex hormones. If it coincides with menopause and opiate use, it REALLY fucks things up. It is the reason that although I am basically off the opiates (few doses of kratom here and there...none today), I still feel like shit. I am very, very tired. Most people with "chronic fatigue syndrome" have AI. It's just that most Western doctors do not recognize the disorder. Not much you can do other than eat well, take herbs, exercise, sleep, reduce stress, and supplement the hormones. The issue though is as you supplement the hormones your body then will continue to fail to make them on its own. The only way out is time. It takes about 18 months off opiates and doing the whole healing program to get back to normal.

    Guinea Pig, Thanks so much for the supportive post. I needed it as I don't feel particularly strong at the moment. I do have a lot going on and many days I just wish I could step off the damn ride. It's hard.

    The past few days have been very difficult. My daughters basically came to me and told me that they think I should leave my marriage. They see the whole picture and although they don't want the family to split...they basically told me that they understand why I am so unhappy. It was very difficult to hear this from them.

    Today was hard because I ended up having a difficult conversation with my husband. He knows he needs to get his act together but it is almost like the damage is done. I am very sad and I know I am depressed. I do not want to make any life changing decisions when I know I am probably not thinking too clearly. I want to try to get the depression handled. Get really clear of the opiates and once my head is straight in a few weeks...then make decisions. I just felt removed and lonely today. I was sitting in the middle of my dining room surrounded by my family and I felt alone. It was an uncomfortable feeling.

    The Cymbalta is helping but the sweating sucks. If this continues, I will switch myself to the Lexapro. But I have to say that my pain is better. Today I had no kratom but I did go up on the gabapentin. I may need to just live with the sweating if this reduces the pain.

    Well, I hope you had a really good and happy holiday. I was thinking of each of you. Often wish we could all get together and have our own holiday. I bet it would be one hell of a good sober time! :)

    Love to you all.


  1. Golddust Woman
    Merry Christmas JD,

    Sending good vibes your way. I totally understand the feeling alone thing when surrounded by love ones. Your going through a lot right now. Try to rest now that the hoopla is over. I hope tomorrow is way better for you. GDW
  2. BeachWalk
    JD = thanks for the AI info. And here I was hoping that once I stopped the opiates I would have more energy. Well, given all the elements crashing together the only way out is with time like you say. Although I'm completely frustrated with no energy I'm even more upset with my weight gain. I'm assuming that AI + menopause + opiates can cause that too. Or individually. Or that's what I'm telling myself.

    I am really sorry you had such an emotional day. That must have been really startling to hear that your daughters think you should separate. I think you'll know what to do when the time comes.

    Okay it's 3am so I need to get to bed. I took 25mg of modafinil this morning just so I could have some energy today while my family is in town visiting. But I must take it earlier in the day or here I am wide awake and exhausted at the same time. I don't take it every day.

    Hang in there JD....you're going to get through this....I'm glad the drugs are helping your pain. If we all got together right now I think we'd probably end up partying for a week and then doing a massive check in at Betty Ford. But there's always hope when we're all a bit stronger and healthier. So good night and Merry Christmas to you and all the good folks in this community who are so supportive.

    “And the day came when the risk to remain tight in a bud was more painful than the risk it took to blossom.”
    —Anais Nin
  3. supermono
    Vangelis – I'll Find My Way Home

    You ask me where to begin
    Am I so lost in my sin
    You ask me where did I fall
    I'll say I can't tell you when
    But if my spirit is lost
    How will I find what is near
    Don't question I'm not alone
    Somehow I'll find my way home

    My sun shall rise in the east
    So shall my heart be at peace
    And if you're asking me when
    I'll say it starts at the end
    You know your will to be free
    Is matched with love secretly
    And talk will alter your prayer
    Somehow you'll find you are there.

    Your friend is close by your side
    And speaks in far ancient tongue
    A seasons wish will come true
    All seasons begin with you
    One world we all come from
    One world we melt into one

    Just hold my hand and we're there
    Somehow we're going somewhere
    Somehow we're going somewhere

    You ask me where to begin
    Am I so lost in my sin
    You ask me where did I fall
    I'll say I can't tell you when
    But if my spirit is strong
    I know it can't be long
    No questions I'm not alone
    Somehow I'll find my way home
    Somehow I'll find my way home
    Somehow I'll find my way home
    Somehow I'll find my way home
  4. supermono
    Hi JD, Amigo. Hope your doing well my friend ? I too was wondering what AI was. I googled it and came up with artificial intelligence. LOL. Whoops. Your doing really well. The cookies sound great. Hope you enjoyed yesterday. just keep venting away, I think the same as you. Getting clean is the easier part. its the staying clean and we all need someone or place to unload our shite. It doesnt matter what it is. We are both at a very similar stage in our journey. Both looking for peace and serenity. Trying to find a way. We know its out there. We just need to find it and find it you will my friend. You know others have it. So you can too. Stay on the path. The path of life. Free from our chains of bondage. Nobody ever told me I inspired them. You inspire me too and I am greatful to you. You help me, I help you, we all help each other. Go Girl......

    I relate all to well to "The damage is done" My ex wife lost trust in me. When the trust has gone it was game over for us. I do not blame her. I just look inside myself and wonder why I chose drugs and not my wife and family. I agree that when your head is clear then you can make the right decision regarding your marriage. Take your time JD. Wishing you well, peace and love Mono :vibes:
  5. Monkeygirl
    I've read your thread in its entirety. I can't even begin to tell you how much I am learning from you and your journey.

    You are incredibly strong and brave. Don't ever doubt that.

    My DOC is different than yours but being a woman over 40, I do understand the struggle with low energy, diaphresis(sp?), etc. After 6 months clean, I can testify that it does get better. I promise.

    Keep fighting, sister. You're doing great.

    My best,
  6. guinea.pig
    JD, if you weren't feeling stressed out and somewhat depressed over some of what you're dealing with, you wouldn't be human. I think the words "heroic undertaking" are applicable when you consider all that you're going through and look at it as a whole. Again, you're a very strong person and you're doing an amazing job! As much as you want to step off the ride some days, you don't, and if you're not giving yourself any credit for that, you should because it would be so easy and you've chosen to not take that out. Many, many others would've gone for it long before this point. I admire your determination and perseverance!

    I remember approaching my mom and telling her that I knew she'd been considering divorcing dad for a long time. The look of shock and recognition that my brother and I knew far more than she ever thought we were aware of as I told her that I thought she should do it and that she had our support in it are something I'll never forget. I can only imagine what you felt during that conversation with your daughters. I debated with myself for months whether or not I should approach my mom with my opinion given that we weren't particularly close up until that point.

    Just with that conversation alone you had a rough day, but when you compound it with the conversation you had with your husband . . . wow! It's no wonder you're feeling as down as you are or that you felt like an island despite being surrounded by family. Things have been bad between you two for a while, apparently, and he hasn't shown much in the way of getting his act together from what I can tell, but I'm not there. It seems like a very unhealthy relationship and right now that's not going to help you or your daughters and staying in it is not only bad for them and for you, but it's also enabling your husband to continue what he's been doing. However, I'm sure you know this on some level even if you haven't wanted to admit it outright to yourself. Before I filed for my own divorce I didn't want to admit that if I stayed I was enabling my husband's bad, destructive behavior, nor that I was allowing him to continue his abusive behavior toward me as long as I stayed.

    I don't think that anyone should make such drastic, life changing decisions with all that you've got on your plate at the moment. At the same time, you need to do something to give yourself the space to start healing and reduce some of the stress you're feeling. Perhaps a trial separation would answer for that? It may even be enough to shock your husband into realizing that if he doesn't change and get his act together that he really does stand to lose you, your support, and possibly even his daughters if they're old enough to decide that they don't want to live with or see him. I know if they're over thirteen in some states that they can make those decisions known in court.

    Of course, if you think that it can wait a few weeks while your head clears some and the Cymbalta (or Lexapro if you switch to it) starts to help you deal with the depressive cognitive fogginess, then that may be the best course of action. Hopefully the reduction in depressive symptoms, the increased clarity of thought, and the passage of time will allow you the space you need. And if the pain continues to subside, that could also seriously lessen the depressive symptoms and help clear your mind and improve your overall functioning in that time, too.

    That would be so very, very cool! ^_^

    I hope tomorrow is better for you. Hang in there! You'll make it through this.
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