Happy New Years everyone!!! Thank you so much for your kind words and support. I could not do this without you! Has been a crazy few days. I am on call and unfortunately have 12 critically ill patients. Just know I love you all and when life settles a bit I will post more. Many hugs!!
Jungledog added 560 Minutes and 50 Seconds later...
Good evening all. Well, 2015 started off with a fucking bang. Stayed up to midnight (which was stupid because I was on call and was rounding at 2 facilities) to toast the new year with my family. I have this issue after working nightshift for many years that if I stay up past midnight, I literally can't fall asleep. And that is what happened. So I fell a sleep at 4am, slept 3 hours, woke with a freaking migraine (period, too little sleep, and ONE glass of champagne). Sat in a hot shower with a ice pack. Still have the thing 13 hours later.
So I get to the first hospital and the very first damn patient I see is a freaking train wreck. Heart rate 140, BP low, hemoglobin only 6. I go into assess her and her belly was hard, distended. I called a surgeon (who luckily was in the building). She had ruptured her bowel. Probably going to die. Next guy was only 42. He ate himself to death. Literally weighs 567 lbs. He had coded the night before and was also an unstable mess. It was just one of those days where I remembered to appreciate ONLY having an opiate problem and chronic pain. Whole damn staff sick with the flu. Keep waiting to get it. Ugh. I plan to go get a flu booster tomorrow. Even though the vaccine this year is not an exact match it can still reduce the severity of the flu. And this one is fucking ugly people.
I am still feeling OK. The Cymbalta really is improving my mood. As bad as today was, I didn't scream at anyone...although I did harass the nurse who had been taking care of patient number one (who was obviously tanking) and failed to recognize that the patient was crashing and didn't notify me. Two weeks ago, I'd have caused an ugly scene. Stupidity and ICU nursing are a very dangerous combo. Anyhow, I feel calmer. This is helping our home situation a lot.
Pain wise things are the same. I do struggle with the pain each day. I have though become honest with myself about it. The Gralise is awesome and kratom from time to time takes the bite out of the pain. I like that oxycodone is gone from my life and that I no longer feel controlled by it. The discussion on being clean really made me reflect and be honest with myself. I have never had any substance problem before the oxy. I do not feel that I am trading addictions. I don't get high from the kratom. Each time I reach for a dose I ask myself why I need it and so far the honest answer is for the endless pain. In reality, there are no easy answers for those of us who battle chronic, severe pain. I don't want to be an addict but I also don't want to spend my life miserable, irritable, and cranky from the constant hurt. Moving forward my path is keeping the emotional pain separate from the physical hurt. This can be a difficult task that requires one to avoid self-deception. Opiates stole my confidence and belief in myself. I have it back.
Had a nice day with my family after rounding. Had a great meal and watched football. It was relaxing and fun. Tomorrow I hit the ground running as the next 2 weeks will be unbelievably busy. I am excited to be starting another semester and about the new opportunities coming my way. I am glad to be leaving 2014 in my wake. It was a painful year. 2015 will be much better.
I want each of you to know that I love and appreciate you and your support. For those who lurk, know that you can quit if you want it. The physical withdraw ends. The game though is played out primarily in your head. Get your life in order. Line up support. Come up with a plan and then just do it. You can be free....you really can. Our little team here has shown that addiction can be beat.