Quitting Oxycodone with Loperamide- My story begins... - Part 239

By Jungledog · Mar 18, 2015 · ·
  1. Thanks ladies. I do not know why this being on kratom thing is bothering me. It is silly I guess but I really wanted off all this shit and I end up feeling like a weakling for not tolerating the pain. Gralise has helped a lot but not enough. It is depressing to step off and still hurt. I want it to all go away even though I know it won't. I just feel eternally frustrated.

    Thanks for making me feel better.

Comments

  1. Roaddoggy
    Hey JD, I really hope you keep posting. I really don't even consider myself clean, for that matter. I mean , I am taking gabapentin, and Seroquel. if I was not taking my comfort meds, I would be a mess.

    So don't think of this forum as being like AA or NA. Because we do not require for you to be off all drugs. Fact is, some times you have to use other drugs to get off drugs.

    I believe we all get that and understand, that we are all working for a common goal. That is to come out the other side of all this shit, Alive and sober. That is often easer said than done.

    I believe it is also important to document all things. I think its wonderful, that you do feel a bit guilty for using the Kratom. I do believe that , your guilt, is a sign of your determination.

    I would think, I would be more worried, if you didn't feel some guilt for using Kratom. I believe your guilt, is sort of acting like your moral compass.

    So I ask you, to please keep posting. Because you are not only helping yourself. But you are helping many others, by documenting your story. Hell you have been a ton of help to me, in my own recovery.

    Anyway, I support you, in what ever you decide. But keep in mind, we are all rooting for you. I hope your day is beautiful, and pain free. Much Love Roaddog....
  2. BeachWalk
    we don't get medals for suffering jd. i hear you on the kratom and wanting to be off it all in spite of having some very real pain issues. i feel weak having had to rely on the drugs for so long. but let's face facts - we have pain conditions that physically require treatment of some sort. it happens. and it sucks.

    when i am so knocked down and defeated by pain it colors every aspect of my life. you know what i'm saying. i think of the kratom as the least of all "evils" compared to taking oxycodone. It's a plant. think of it like that if that helps. do the kratom jump if you feel that bad about it when you get time in your schedule.
  3. lostlygirl
    I know what you mean, JD. It was the reason I stopped posting.

    I have been doing a crap/ton of research on addiction, and read a very interesting book called 'Chasing The Scream', which is all about drugs and drug addiction, a fascinating book that I highly recommend. Its premise, backed by by a TON of research, is that addiction stems from a lack of connection. A lack of intimate human connection, to be exact. A lack of intimate, meaningful connection, which is now being discovered to be a basic human need, fuels addiction. Drugs numb that hurt, drugs help us not feel the pain of that lack.

    Until I can somehow meet my need for intimate human connection I will probably fail at becoming truly clean. I know that about myself because that's what I loved most about it. That first day I took opiates for physical pain I learned that it took away my emotional pain with it. Life didn't hurt quite so much. Being lonely didn't matter quite as much. I had a little bit of relief from the lonely life I was living. Being on fentanyl is infinity less painful than being without human connection. When I realized that I felt as if I had no place or right being on a drug reduction site.

    Do you remember the rat on heroine (or crack, or whatever it was?) that would take the drug until it died over all else? Research shows that if you put that same addicted rat in a cage with all its buddies, guess what? Within a month the rats had weaned themselves voluntary from their DOC, regardless of their level or length of addiction. This didn't just happen one time, it happened every time, over and over again. The rats would ONLY choose the drug when they were in a cage alone.

    What I need, what I am missing in my life, what makes addicts whole, is connection. Perhaps rather than reaching for the drug I reach for connection? I don't know quite what to do with the physical pain, but somehow maybe its all interconnected?

    Maybe its what we get on this forum? Just that little bit of connection that can make all the difference.

    Love to you all, I read and keep up with your posts.
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