End of Day 14...Now off Loperamide and starting Stage 2...the kratom taper
I got through my first loperamide free day. I remain in the abyss of feeling generally unwell but not dying. I really wish I could name this better but I struggle to find the correct words to describe it. I feel like day 3 of a bad cold with a little flu like symptoms on top combined with body aches, weakness, fatigue, and NO energy. This is NOTHING like cold turkey...nothing. That was fucking hell. I remember literally praying for death...this is not even in the same solar system.
What does suck about this is the length of the shittiness. I have now felt generally ill for about 6 weeks and I figure I will probably be feeling a bit crappy for awhile past weaning off the kratom. I remind my whiny ass self that I could have something truly horrible like cancer.
I have been debating sharing a story but I think I have decided to do so. I work in health care. I have said that before. Part of my job includes caring for really sick people in a hospital setting. During rounds recently, I cared for a 30 year old woman. She was well educated, the mother of 2 young kids, and an opiate addict. She mostly used heroin but according to her husband she had recently decided to get clean...again...and was put on methadone. She had been taking methadone a few weeks and apparently came across some roxi's with a friend. They decided to shoot the pills. My best guess is the methadone had raised her tolerance and so she didn't feel the first dose. She tried a second round. This is when she overdosed and ended up a full respiratory arrest and then cardiac arrest. I "met" her on a ventilator. She developed endocarditis from shooting the pills and basically she died about a week after from overwhelming sepsis (blood infection). DO NOT SHOOT PILLS. The fragments get caught in your heart valves and cause infection.
I stood in her room and thought "This could be me." I don't use heroin and I don't inject but not sure that matters so very much....nobody is immune from this shit and it WILL take your life from you literally and/or figuratively. It's the nature of the beast...to steal you body and soul. I have her face etched in my brain. I think of her and her family every time I crave and every time I begin to whine about detox. I was honored to know her even though we never spoke because her nightmare became my wake up call. I decided her death would MEAN something. It would be the path to another addict getting clean. My path.
I took a total of 5 tsps. of kratom today.
Jungledog added 2 Minutes and 9 Seconds later...
I skipped the dinner. I gave myself a pass. I am off this upcoming weekend but I have writing to do. Busy is OK. Keeps me sane. How are you doing?