Day 22, think off loperamide a week, and about a week of so of tapering kratom (its become a damn blur)
Good morning all, although frankly I am finding little good about it nor the previous night. Pushed myself to just suffer through it and wait for kratom. I just took 1 tsp. My legs ache like fuck and god was I restless. My poor husband has ADD and for the past 4 days he has been waiting on a shipment of Adderal and has been miserable too. Our house is an a shambles. Last night I had the inspiration to give him a tsp of Maeng da and it worked! He was so happy...forgot the shit works as a stimulant. So will order him a big bag for emergencies such as these. Hopefully he can now focus and get the house back in order as today I teach until almost 8 pm and we have company arriving tonight. Our whole role reversal thing was a NIGHTMARE in the beginning but now I think on many levels it has enriched our marriage. We are learning to take what comes. He is learning to get a handle on running a household and I am learning to shut up and stay out of the way he does things (which is NOT my way...lol).
Ahh...that first sip of coffee. Makes 5am so much easier to swallow...well that kratom and some more gabapentin. Have been moderating use of the latter as I am eventually going to run out (although not that that is big a deal as I can just have my office call in more at higher dose plus think I am going to add that scary ass drug Ambien. Restoril not working already) but I feel the tolerance coming and I need it down for when I jump and need it again. Pretty much think jump weekend will be spend dragging myself from sauna to a hot tub filled with Epsom salt and a shit ton of NSAIDS and capsaicin cream. And that it will be a 4 day insomnia nightmare. Thinking of kicking on the beach with just my hubby for support...leave kids at home. The end of the month we rent the condo for season so I lose it until April.
On the other hand, Hydroxyout is right. I need to just get there and stop pushing myself so hard. This is what perfectionism does to you. I got a bit better about that when I was writing my dissertation because if you don't your committee fucking rips you apart and you realize you will never finish but when I am stressed it sneaks back out. I do not know about the incredible hulk reference. Felt more like the limping hulk yesterday.
Yeah, our practice load is AWFUL. But I am fairly sure most people here in the US do not realize that there is a scary ass shortage of health care providers. There are simply not enough of us to see everyone. And then you have people all bitching SCREAMING in my face about "how THEY are paying for the service and expect their 30 minutes of time." Fuck people, I just LITERALLY saved your life or your loved ones life and you are bitching that I don't have the time of day for you??? I am literally running to the next dying patient! Yesterday during office hours one of our inpatients (in the hospital) coded and went down hard with refractory ventricular tachycardia. They shocked the guy like a dozen times. They called and my doctor literally ran down the street to go save the man. I then spend the next 45 minutes dealing with disgruntled patients PISSED that their doctor had left and inconvenienced them. They could see me or reschedule. And not to be conceited but I am DAMN good at what I do and function on the level of a physician. Hell the best comment I ever got was my doc telling me "Working with you is like working with another attending physician. I know my patients are safe." One guy threw his fit and I simply reviewed his labs, built rapport and by the end of 15 minutes he was confiding his concern to me. I told him what I thought was best to do. Shortly there after, the doc walked into the room (sweaty and exhausted) and told him the SAME damn thing. The patient didn't really apologize for treating me like shit but he did thank me before he left. Anyhow people, cut your health care providers a little slack sometimes...it is a bit more complicated than flipping fries at McDonald's. We spend our days hyperfocused on saving you and not fucking things up which could result in your death. In a situation of high volume this is more than a little difficult.
Keep kicking ass and making me proud!
Go you!!!! You did it AND you enjoyed a day with your son. I have no doubts my friend that you can achieve this. Just taper the tramadol and then slow and steady kratom taper. Today I am going to keep the dose at 3 tsps. again. The past 2 days were really, really shitty. Might be time to hold a bit. Perhaps Christmas will be jump time. This honestly might be better anyhow. I would have more or less 2 weeks off (except for 2 practice days which I could limp through with gabapentin.) Proud of you!
Good on you for slaying the loperamide dragon. Heed my advice on that. I'd feel better if you were on a betablocker. Just keep tapering and at least make sure you are taking 400mg magnesium oxide daily. Torsade's de points the vent arrhythmia caused by loperamide is often partially treated with magnesium. The reality is your risk on the high dose Fentanyl really probably matched or exceeded the risk of the loperamide. No, this does NOT mean taking the loperamide at high doses is safe...so keep tapering.
OK, Time to refresh my coffee and check out your threads. Love you all. Hugs, JD
Jungledog added 154 Minutes and 54 Seconds later...
Dragged my sorry ass through a 4 mile walk. Now getting ready for my 14 hour day. Ugh. Definately a hold day. JD oh and I am down a few more pounds 9 total!!! Really think it is all the opiate shit leaving my system.
Jungledog added 752 Minutes and 22 Seconds later...
Ok so serious fucking drama at home. Taper fine. Holding on the kratom. I just need to deal with major shit. Sick kid, sick animal and I think I am getting sick too. Could use some positive vibes my way all. Thanks! JD