Quitting Oxycodone with Loperamide- My story begins... - Part 63

By Jungledog · Nov 15, 2014 · ·
  1. Day 23 Evening

    OK. Just took 1 tsp of kratom. I am an emotional fucking mess after posting on LG's thread but this is a very good thing. Means I am starting to FEEL shit again and trust me that hasn't happened in a very, very long time. We humans are gifted with intellect but really our greatest gift is the ability to imagine. Imagine your drug-free life. Paint the picture vividly. What do you want it to contain? What will it feel like? Hold onto the image...and go after it with all you have. Disney had shit right when he created imagineers! What we can imagine...we CAN do, we create our path.

    Cmenot, yes the weird thing with this past 2 months is I am beginning to feel myself again. It is hard to put into words but I feel like the long lost me is slowly emerging. And this time...I like me!

    Rocking this shit out...join the 5% people. It's worth it and everything you imagine it to be. :)

    Hugs,
    JD

    Jungledog added 171 Minutes and 54 Seconds later...

    Day 23 Wrap UP

    OK. Sick with a not so nice virus or strep...not sure which as I can't culture myself tonight. Doesn't matter. I know we for sure were all exposed so I am just treating it as such. Kinda weird. After 30 years of healthcare I have quite an immune system and really tend to not get sick. Think this whole detox thing is stressing my immune system a bit. The worst part of being a "higher" level health care provider (and I do not say this to sound conceited or some shit) is that you literally can't ever be sick. If I am on call, I am on call. Nobody gives two shits if I don't feel well. I still have to answer calls and round. I mean if you are a RN or a tech or something and you get sick, you just call out. The staffing office calls in another nurse to replace you (and sometimes there is nobody and the nurses left at work are screwed and have to divide up your work). But really when the person in charge is sick, who the fuck do you call? In big practices, you try to cover for each other. In small practices, it is a logistical freaking nightmare. In 5 years, I have missed exactly ONE day of work (and I have "off" 4-6 total days per month). I felt so bad for the doctor. He was sooo exhausted and ended up working literally 20 hours straight. He knew I was sick because I came into the ER and laid on a stretcher getting IV fluid and Zofran. The next day it was back to work!

    Why I am explaining this shit? Between injury and my damn job I have gotten pretty used to working with some degree of discomfort. You just push through. I LOVE what I do....so that helps a lot but in the case of opiates I just keep telling myself over and over...that I can do this and it isn't permanent. I just need to get through it, period.

    So today I had 2.75 tsps. of kratom, down .25 tsp!! Not much but it is down while sick so I am proud of it. Feels like a snail crawl.

    What did I eat? Breakfast was a green smoothie which I drank in my car on my way to work (I drink almost a quart). Lunch was a veggie flat bread (gluten not the best idea but I was lazy) sandwich from a sub shop to which I added pesto instead of oil & vinegar. Dinner was a fresh (read home-made) black bean burger with lettuce, tomato, & avocado, no bread and a side of steamed broccoli. I don't snack. The bullshit everyone has been taught about eating small, frequent meals is just that...bullshit. The biggest energy suck is digestion. Think about how you feel after Turkey Day dinner. The more you eat and the more frequently you eat, the less energy you have. Green smoothies are an easily digestible breakfast as it is literally liquid nutrition. This allows you body to focus its efforts on cleaning and healing. Try it for a few days. You will find yourself hungry the first few and after that you lose your appetite and energy increases. Interestingly when the body finds balance, if you need to lose weight, it will come off. If you need to gain, it will come on. At your 3 meals, eat whole foods and eat until you are full. Drink a lot of water. Try to get 8 hours sleep (yeah I know fat fucking chance on that shit in withdrawal...hmmm that might be why I am sick too. Loss of REM sleep suppresses immune function).

    Night all! I am going to TRY and sleep. I would love some positive vibes sent my way. I need to sleep a bit to heal. Hugs to ya all! Keep kicking ass. JD

Comments

  1. Roaddoggy
    Well, sending positive vibes your way. Glad your starting to feel, more like yourself. I know exactly what that feeling is. You seem to be functioning well. Anyway, wishing you the very best. Hope you have plenty of sleep. much love. Roaddog....
  2. Hydroxyout
    Despite feeling shitty, you sound good JD! The last stretch of tapering certainly sucks but you're doing it and doing it with your head held up high! I know I sound the same and repeat myself but I always feel secondhand pride when I read your posts. It's pretty insane when I go back to the beginning of your journal and realize what an amazing and strong person you are. You care for people at work, you care for people at home and inspire people here on DF all while feeling...well let's just say shitty.

    It takes a brave, strong person to do what you're doing so keep looking forward! Cannot wait for that "day zero" post and I know it's coming soon.

    Much love and much respect.

    Hydroxy
  3. lostlygirl
    After reading your beautiful post in my journal I wanted to say how very sorry I am. Nothing that you went through is ok. Not one part. This life has so much pain. You experienced some of life's most violent crimes, not once, not twice, but three times . Every part of you was violently assaulted, your mind, your body, your soul, your very being. That doesn't go away, it becomes a part of you. It shapes who you are and who you become. It is now a part of your story, and it should not have been. (Wow, Hydroxycut's song really fits this).

    I am going to kinda go out on a limb and say what I am feeling, without knowing many of the details. I may be completely off base, and if so, I apologize in advance. Just know I love you. You are my friend:

    I imagine it wasn't something that you could discuss with your parents. They sound as if they would not be in a place where they could really process something like that. Did you ever tell them of the first two attacks? I understand feeling as if it's your fault, even though it is not. We play a game of "if only's" with ourselves. "If only" I didn't go to that party, "If only" I didn't talk to him, If only did x, if only y, if only, if only, if only.

    We play this game with ourselves (and the game of perfection) because it makes us feel safe, as if we can somehow control what happens. We play this game because if there was something that we could have done to prevent it, (If only I hadn't been working in the ER that night, If only I had been more perfect at 17, if only I was stronger, If only I didn't talk to that guy at the party) then perhaps we can prevent it from happening again. It gives us a feeling of control in a situation where we feel very out of control. When we experience something that traumatic and feel as if we have somehow played a part in it, then we can somehow prevent it from happening again.

    We intellectually know its irrational, we know its not logical, and we know its not our fault. We know all of these things. However, our intellect and our emotions are very separate entities. When they conflict as they often do, we cannot effectively process what has happened to us. It becomes an endless on the edge of our consciousness battle between the two. We end up not resolving it and shoving it in that place we put stuff we don't like to think about. The stuff we can't resolve. Sometimes time helps the intensity, but it rarely resolves the internal conflict.

    I would imagine that you spent a big part of your life becoming very strong, and I am not talking in a physical sense, although I am sure that was a big part. I bet not very much affects you, and I imagine you are quite like me in many ways. Just tough. When I talk with my counselor I can relay the facts of my life with little or no emotion, as if I am describing a story I have read, or somebody else's life. I can't emotionally feel or express it, because it is too deeply a part of me. I would have to expose too much of myself, I would have to trust in a world that has taught me not to trust, a world that is inherently unsafe. Just like you believe the attacks were your fault somehow, I also believe it was my fault my mother died (if only I was more lovable then she would be alive).

    I have a feeling you became strong, very strong. And yet, even that did not prevent what occurred in the ER that night. What do you do with that? The very thing that was meant to keep you safe didn't work. It didn't work. A patient that you were saving intentionally hurt you. You were saving him, JD, and he fucking hurt you.

    Now what? Now what is going to keep you safe? That question is inherently unanswerable because we cannot control other people. But the question demands to be answered. You cannot rest until its answered. And, herein lies the dilemma, in that you know intellectually that there is no rational answer, because we cannot control others. However, our intellect and emotions are entirely separate beings and I have a feeling they disagree in this respect.

    What did those attacks steal from you? What did they take from your past, present and future? How does that make you feel?

    I have a lot to say on the not loving ourselves!! I guarantee there will be pages and pages of that written in my journal at some point, lol. If I was to unravel all of my drug use that would be at the very bottom of it. For me, it is at the core of all of this.

    JD, If your parents expected perfection, and we cannot be perfect, then what do you do with that when your a child? When we are young we think that the reason we cannot become perfect is because there is something wrong with us, that we are bad and that its our fault we somehow cannot obtain perfection. If we are not perfect we are not lovable. Now that we are adults we intellectually know that we cannot become perfect, that being loved has very little to do with perfectionism, and that its an impossible goal that's just going to slowly drive us insane (trust me, I know :) ). Unfortunately, I have a feeling that the little girl inside of you still feels as if its her fault, and still tries to obtain perfection to please others..... (I apologize if I am wrong, which I very well could be....it happens often!)

    I read through your whole post again today and you have only been at this for 22 days, it hasn't been very long. You have done amazingly well! You ROCK girl!! It may be smart to let your body recover and stabilize for a week before tapering again. You would still be set to be completely off by Christmas, New Years by the very latest. Just a suggestion :)

    There will be a fucking rose parade, because we are the 5%ers!
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