Day 24, can't recall details of all this shit anymore, tapering kratom
No, I never told my parents. I never told anyone until about 2 years later when my husband and I were dating and I had a horrific nightmare and woke fucking screaming. He was trying to hold me and I was screaming for him to stop touching me. It's funny. I married a cop! And he knew that night but he waited until I was ready to talk about it. A couple of flashbacks and really bad nightmares later, I finally let it all out in one sobbing mess in his arms. HE makes me feel safe. He always has and he has supported me emotionally these past almost 27 years.
Sometimes I do think that perhaps I have some mild PTSD. Little sensations set me off. A few weeks ago the doctor came quietly up behind me and gently placed his hand on my shoulder to get my attention. I turned and hit him...hard. I am not sure who was more surprised him or me!!! LOL This guy is REALLY smart and intuitive. I am sure he realized that was not a normal reaction. I was struggling for words to explain and he just said "Hey, I am sorry to scare you. Are you ok?" And I realized that yes, I WAS ok. He would never hurt me.
It's kinda weird but my relationship with him the past 5 years has been helpful. We are a lot alike and we have like this brother/sister type thing. We are from very different cultures. In his culture, women are way down the ladder so to speak. I think that I am seriously the first woman to tell him "no." The first time I did it, he got aggressive and got in my face screaming at me...I mean like 2 inches from me. In the past, that would have crushed me. My response? "Fuck you. I am leaving now. I haven't had a fucking day off in 2 years. I am taking 7 days. When I get back, you can let me know if you still want to employ me and I will think about whether or not I want to be employed by you. Nobody treats me like this...ever. I don't allow my husband to treat me like this...why the fuck do you think it is ok???" (And mind you this all happened in front of the staff in the cardiac cath lab of the hospital who were standing there with their mouths hanging open). I literally walked away. Too many physicians have this God complex shit. Fuck you, I know just as much as you do. Man did my phone light up! He had sent at least 10 texts apologizing to me by the time I hit the parking lot. Then he told me to take 10 days off and I did. When I returned, we never talked about it but it has not happened again.
The trauma I endured has made me a strong person. When I was younger, it was NOT a good thing. I had a lot of nightmares and flashbacks. My injury occurred about 12 years ago so I was a bit older. My husband and I had a really bad fight about that. The patient went to jail because he had assaulted several people badly BEFORE he got to the hospital. My husband wanted his name and I would not tell him. I knew he would make sure someone hurt him. Cops help cops and there are certain unspoken rules...one of which is you do not assault another cop's wife. If you do, you will accidently fall off that step while being transported to jail and just might break a few bones and get a head injury. My thoughts were he was high...I mean what was the point? The damage was done.
All these events shaped me. I think I was lucky to meet my man. He helped me heal and truly feel safe. He is literally a very big man with a black belt. He can kill you several different ways just with his hands. We started having marriage trouble about 5 years ago. I know it is why I began to take more oxycodone than I should have and use escalated. My safety blanket was walking away and I needed to be numb. We got close enough to divorce to involve lawyers but then somehow we just ended up in each other's arms one night and talked it out. Things aren't perfect but are they ever? We are working on it.
It's funny. In some ways, I know the rapes simply made me stronger. Is there a teenage girl still in me who hurts? Probably. But the woman I have become is tough and strong and yet caring. I have not turned into a bitch who hates men. I think I have become the opposite. I spend my life caring for others and I intuitively feel their pain. I am not afraid to ask them about it. Many of our patients request to see me instead of the doctor. They can talk about emotional things with me...well that and their latest green smoothie recipe! I am teaching them well.
I think life is a journey and we are supposed to hurt...that is the point. Hurt makes us grow. We can choose to follow a healthy healing path or we can wallow in self-pity and take drugs to numb it up. I am now picking the former.
OK. I woke today feeling tired (big fucking surprise there folks!) and with a runny nose. I slept 7 hours after restoril, valerian and melatonin and yoga. I did reduce the kratom this morning to .75 tsps. I made it 13 hours over night between doses so I am making progress. We have an event to attend this evening so I am going to try and keep my doses low today in case I need a full tsp in the evening to get through this night out. It should be fun although it would be much more fun if I wasn't sick!
Off to walk and then get my hair done. Love to you all! Thanks RoadDog and Hydroxyout for your kind words of support. You are such a big part of my progress and my eventual success. I can't wait for zero day!
Jungledog added 223 Minutes and 10 Seconds later...
Ok LG, your private challenge is accepted. Think I needed time to reflect a bit. I have lived with the aftermath of my trauma for a very long time.
What did being raped and assualted take from me? My sense of security, my sense of self worth, my power, my hope. It made me feel violated, humiliated, hopeless, powerless, and very, very angry. That anger still simmers. I am a control freak. Not a big surprise I guess.
I do think I understand my feelings on what has happened to me but I am not sure if these feelings will ever resolve or if I just let them be. I don't know. It is complicated.
I am with you on organized religion although I do believe in a higher power.