Bad pain day. We are attending a really politically important university event tonight. After I literally spent 4 hours using ice, heat, and motrin my husband was like "I understand you want to quit and you are afraid of the pills and what they have taken from you but maybe you need to be more realistic and know you might need one time and again." I was sitting crying in the shower and thought "fuck, he is right." I have been so fucking laser focused on getting clean and never, ever using an opiate again that I perhaps am not being real. Being perfect, that is me. All or nothing baby.
So anyhow, I took ONE pill of hydrocodone 10 mg with zofran. (My usual oxycodone dose was 60- 90mgs)..I am not high and my pain is certainly not gone but it took the fucking edge off enough to function. These pills have been sitting here the whole time the past 7 weeks so not a big temptation.
Hoping this doesn't screw everything I have been working for but doubt it will. I KNOW I can't go back to taking them daily so please no lectures. I am already beating myself up about taking it so nobody else needs to join in.
Anyhow, just want to keep this journal honest. I so hope I have not just made a big mistake. JD