Day 25- freaking 2am and I am wide fucking awake, adrenal issues returning this is how it started before
OK. Hoping I am awake because the past 24 hours have just been the gift that keeps on giving and I have been turning so many things over in my head that I need to get them out before I sleep. Otherwise, I am fucked and my adrenals are acting up. Adrenal insufficiency makes opiate withdrawal look like a picnic...trust me on this shit. I have NEVER been so tired in all my life. OMG if I have to suffer this again I will cry.
LG, you challenged me yesterday to open wounds that I have levered shut. I am not sure it was a good or bad thing for me to open them. I mean I know all the pyschobabble of dragging up old hurts and working through them in some way but really for me every time I do this (and yes I have had a shrink in the past) it just makes me relive the shit over and over. I am done reliving my trauma. I KNOW what it felt like and what it took from me and yet it is still unbearable to think about. I am not sure one "resolves" this shit. I think on some level you have to accept it for what is is...a past event that sucked beyond all things imagined...but is done. Do I think this is a trigger for use? Sure. And I have been asking myself all night if I reached for that pill yesterday because I spent the day thinking about my rapes. Maybe but what I have come up with so far is at least this time, that was not the trigger. Plus ONE pill had no emotional effect...none. I felt relief that I didn't feel that nice warm glow. If I had, it would have been "Houston, we have a problem!!"
So what are my triggers? You were spot on...pain, parents, perfectionism, heavy job stress (I have TWO crazy ass high stress, scary level responsibility jobs) and a husband and daughter with mental health issues. I think pain is the worst one. It is legitimate and so when I get real pain I sit there rationalizing whether I should or should not take the opiates. Mind fuck, just a mind fuck. And because I am perfect I then beat myself up about whatever decision I make. I paid for that pill with a HEAVY emotional toll.
So yesterday, I was thinking about my trauma, had to deal with my parents, had to attend an event where I was to be introduced as a new administrator of some shit I do not want to handle (just what I fucking need is MORE shit to do right now) and my daughter called hysterical to tell me she failed a college test...all this after killing a cat and spending a LOT of money having all the other animals checked. All in all it was a really shitty 3 days. I always have pain but I know stress makes it worse. So what made me reach for it? Mind fuck. The only good thing about the past few days is our company did NOT show up because my son got sick and I asked them to reschedule.
OK. Feeling a bit better. I needed to pour this shit out. I think I simply needed it for pain but I am honest enough to recognize that the pain was worse because I was overwhelmed and stressed. I am not sure what else I can do to manage all of this. I mean I eat well, exercise (although I didn't yesterday), do yoga. I guess I can try meditation. I do LOVE what I do I just wish it wasn't so fast paced. Last night on the drive back I told my husband that I think I need to change my clinical job to something that is much less stress. Perhaps that would help.
Hydroxyout, thanks my friend for the support. Yeah, I have toradol. I keep that for migraines too. I didn't try it yesterday because I had already taken ibuprofen. I am forgiving myself at this point. I did what I needed to do. Today I will resume my kratom taper but back at 3tsps. I took extra yesterday fucking up my taper (and breaking the never go up rule). I will just play it by ear and see what my body tells me. I want off and am soon ready to just jump. After December 5th, I can take some time to do this.
Good for you my friend!!! So very proud of you. Taper the kratom. I might be luckier that I HATE the shit and so have no desire to keep using it. States are starting to ban it and it is on the watch list so I am pretty sure it will eventually be illegal to buy too here in the US. I loved your tattoo idea. I really, really want to be done with this stuff. I flushed all but 10 hydrocodone pills. I feel this is enough if I get a really bad day but prevents a relapse.
I am now going to try to get some sleep. I just want to thank you all for being part and parcel of my journey back to the living. I can't imagine doing this without you.
Jungledog added 365 Minutes and 50 Seconds later...
Day 25 Real Morning (morning after taking 1 pill and doing kratom taper)
Well, after I got all that shit out of my head I went back to sleep and got about 5 hours before a cat woke me up. The scary part is I woke with a headache but otherwise feel ok. I mean really I haven't even taken kratom yet. WTF???
I have been sitting here contemplating it. I mean 10mg hydrocodone really should not cause nor reset withdrawal (trust me I have taken enough pharm classes to know. I was taking 300mg oxycodone daily!) but it is like it relieved some of this crap. I obviously don't think it fixed my issues but it is a bit weird that I feel pretty good today. Either way, I will take it and I will wait to feel shitty before dosing kratom again. Have I mentioned how much I have come to hate that dirt?
My pain is there but tolerable. I just took Tylenol for both the pain and headache. I can manage...moving forward with this shit. I WANT the 5% and roses.
Drinking coffee (yes, I know I should not be) and then going to head out for my walk. Then I have a LOT of work to prepare. Today will be spent at my computer. I will check in from time to time.