Quitting Oxycodone with Loperamide- My story begins... - Part 87

By Jungledog · Nov 21, 2014 · ·
  1. Day 29 End of Day

    Well all, guess you seem to think I need psychotherapy! LOL. Trust me when I say I am FULLY AWARE that I have "caught" OCD and perfectionism from my parents. What is even scarier is my tendencies are mild compared to theirs! So since I got sent a very clear message from all of you (and yes I understand it was sent with love and goodwill), I decided to just reflect on it during my hour long drive home tonight. Pink's song "Fuckin Perfect" came on and it made me smile.

    First, I am a little unsure why everyone keeps telling me to hold. I had already stated in my posts that I had not only held but gone up and would slow my taper. I have every intention to hold at each new dose for at least a week...think I said that too. I also think perhaps I have not been clear. I have felt unwell for MONTHS. I do not feel well on the meds, I do not feel well off the meds. I generally feel sick most of the time. I did not feel well on the loperamide nor the kratom. At higher doses I do not feel like dying but I do not feel well. My fast taper was NOT to torture myself. It was an attempt to get off this shit so perhaps at some fucking point in my life I will maybe, possibly not feel like shit on a stick all day. Partly this is the AI. It takes a long time to recover from this and my doctor knows that my hormones are all screwed up and also thinks it is linked to the opiates. Kratom will do the same damn thing. So as long as I stay on this stuff, my body can't heal. I realized that going too quick was pushing me into a crisis again and so I posted here that I was holding up and slowing down....so why so many posts telling me to do what I was already doing? Guess I not quite understanding what your concern was. I am taking care of myself as best I can.

    I also do have a life with a fair bit of stress. And much of that stress is beyond my control. I work in life and death situations with patients, tense situations with stressed out graduate students who I also have to supervise with patients, and then all the other shit that happens in all our daily lives. I am the only person supporting our family so I am not in a situation where I can just walk away from my jobs...nor am I able to reduce the job stress. So no point stressing about shit I can't change. Does this make sense?

    So anyhow, I held at the 2 tsps. doses. I had 4 doses today and added Gabapentin back in to twice daily. Actually think that might have been the bigger problem as how I felt today was much better on the Gabapentin. My pain wasn't too bad. Chief complaint is fatigue.

    I ate well today (green smoothie, salad and soup for lunch, and baked veggies & rice for dinner with lots of greens). I am off to do my yoga and then soak in a nice hot bath. Hope you are all doing well and kicking butt. Thanks for loving on me, JD

    Jungledog added 68 Minutes and 40 Seconds later...

    Did my yoga, sitting in a steaming hot bath, chilling to Pink, and listening to my oldest and youngest kids giggle in the next room while watching you-tube videos together. My husband cleaned the whole upstairs so tomorrow I can concentrate on writing my article. Life is good.

    Daily total was 8 tsps kratom and 1200 Gabapenin which is less than prescribed. Don't feel like running a marathon but feeling pretty good. Thanks for all the support and love. This is hard work and I need you all.

    Keep fighting,
    JD

Comments

  1. JonBenetMom
    Day two totally OFF tramadol. Woot. I m so tired though- but I had to peek in and tell you HELLLLLO

    Hope you're doing great!
  2. missparkles
    Firstly JonBenetMum...well done love, now just keep doing what you've been doing and it will soon be just a distant memory. Why don't you start your own journal then answers can be tailored to your own specific needs, yeah? :)

    JungleDog... please, please don't think that I meant to sound all preachy and nagging as that was the last thing I intended to do. I'm just aware of how much you can push yourself due to the high expectations you have, and that's really great in most situations. Unfortunately where recovery is concerned not so, as you can push yourself into the ground. It's good to have a plan to stick to and goals that you wanna achieve, but there is also this emotional roller coaster that can have you smiling, crying and stunned, all in the same five minutes. Now the abrupt mood changes will gradually level out, but until they do you sometimes have to deal with life on perhaps a minute to minute basis? This can place someone with your expectations about themselves and their ability to deal with recovery into a spin. But please don't think that we haven't heard you or were simply not listening to you. The fact that it's really imperative to your success that you now pace yourself, that others have also realised and noticed this to the point that they felt it was important to tell you just tells me that everyone has been listening, that they've heard you, and that your recovery, or rather your successful recovery is extremely important to them, too.

    Now if you decide that you want to take advantage of any medical services available to you, services that enable you to work out just why you ended up at this place then I'd have to tell you to go for it. Anyone who has the opportunity to learn about themselves, gain awareness of just why they operate (and on what level) as they do, would be at a distinct advantage as most don't even think twice about why they do what they do, let alone have the chance to analyze that behaviour and gain from it. It would definitely help you with your recovery and might even prevent you from ever coming back to this place again. That's got to be preferable love, surely? Whatever you decide to do don't forget that it didn't take just a few months to get where you were, and as such it's not gonna take just a few months to get back to where you were (if that's where you wanna be) pre drug use?

    Just one last, but not least in any way...your pain, how are you handling this now? Apparently chronic pain is high up there on the list of relapse triggers. I'm sorry if that question sounds rather negative but in reality it's not. You see it's all about anticipating your needs and placing safety nets in place to catch you if/when you fall. For example, if you identify a need to talk to someone one on one after you've completed a specific task, then you find someone now that you're able to relax with and put it in place before you might need it. The same with your pain. You might never need it but just assume that there might be times when you will need to use something to ease your pain, so what are you going to use. It has to be something that you can measure in doses so that you know just how much you're using as it's incredibly easy to gradually creep up dose by dose without realising it.

    I'm gonna leave it there sweetheart, I think that's enough to digest in one go isn't it? I hope it does help, and please don't forget, we wouldn't even bother replying, let alone so positively, if we just didn't care would we?

    Sparkles. :vibes:
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