Day 29 End of Day
Well all, guess you seem to think I need psychotherapy! LOL. Trust me when I say I am FULLY AWARE that I have "caught" OCD and perfectionism from my parents. What is even scarier is my tendencies are mild compared to theirs! So since I got sent a very clear message from all of you (and yes I understand it was sent with love and goodwill), I decided to just reflect on it during my hour long drive home tonight. Pink's song "Fuckin Perfect" came on and it made me smile.
First, I am a little unsure why everyone keeps telling me to hold. I had already stated in my posts that I had not only held but gone up and would slow my taper. I have every intention to hold at each new dose for at least a week...think I said that too. I also think perhaps I have not been clear. I have felt unwell for MONTHS. I do not feel well on the meds, I do not feel well off the meds. I generally feel sick most of the time. I did not feel well on the loperamide nor the kratom. At higher doses I do not feel like dying but I do not feel well. My fast taper was NOT to torture myself. It was an attempt to get off this shit so perhaps at some fucking point in my life I will maybe, possibly not feel like shit on a stick all day. Partly this is the AI. It takes a long time to recover from this and my doctor knows that my hormones are all screwed up and also thinks it is linked to the opiates. Kratom will do the same damn thing. So as long as I stay on this stuff, my body can't heal. I realized that going too quick was pushing me into a crisis again and so I posted here that I was holding up and slowing down....so why so many posts telling me to do what I was already doing? Guess I not quite understanding what your concern was. I am taking care of myself as best I can.
I also do have a life with a fair bit of stress. And much of that stress is beyond my control. I work in life and death situations with patients, tense situations with stressed out graduate students who I also have to supervise with patients, and then all the other shit that happens in all our daily lives. I am the only person supporting our family so I am not in a situation where I can just walk away from my jobs...nor am I able to reduce the job stress. So no point stressing about shit I can't change. Does this make sense?
So anyhow, I held at the 2 tsps. doses. I had 4 doses today and added Gabapentin back in to twice daily. Actually think that might have been the bigger problem as how I felt today was much better on the Gabapentin. My pain wasn't too bad. Chief complaint is fatigue.
I ate well today (green smoothie, salad and soup for lunch, and baked veggies & rice for dinner with lots of greens). I am off to do my yoga and then soak in a nice hot bath. Hope you are all doing well and kicking butt. Thanks for loving on me, JD
Jungledog added 68 Minutes and 40 Seconds later...
Did my yoga, sitting in a steaming hot bath, chilling to Pink, and listening to my oldest and youngest kids giggle in the next room while watching you-tube videos together. My husband cleaned the whole upstairs so tomorrow I can concentrate on writing my article. Life is good.
Daily total was 8 tsps kratom and 1200 Gabapenin which is less than prescribed. Don't feel like running a marathon but feeling pretty good. Thanks for all the support and love. This is hard work and I need you all.