Day 30 3 am
Yep, I am up again in the middle of the night. On the upside, I did not wake in my usual terrified rush of adrenalin. This is good. Hoping things are improving. I am trying not to use benzos for sleep. The past few nights I have only used melatonin and valerian plus my yoga. Restorative Yoga was KEY to overcoming the worst of the AI last time so I have returned to doing my full work out each evening. I am in mild withdrawal and think this is what woke me. I guess I need to add a dose of Bali to bedtime to offset this...my last dose was at 6pm.
JBM, I am so proud of you and had no doubt you could do it! I have forgotten to stop by your thread on the opiate board the past few nights...forgive me! Hang tough my friend...as we take on kratom together.
Missparkles, I did not take offense to any of the posts. I just was really unsure of why I was being told repeatedly to hold my taper and care for myself when my previous few posts were me doing just that!!! I know better than probably most here how to manage AI and I know that stress, especially prolonged and intense stress, makes it worse. I knew that the taper might trigger it but I wanted to try because I also have been told by the endocrinologist that I should get off the opiates NOW as he believes this is one big reason I have developed the problem. I have a window of time over the holidays when I could have rested and recuperated so I was aiming for that.
Then last week happened...had a VERY stressful week (in addition to the usual high stress of caring for patients and students). I was promoted. It was one of those deals where I wasn't asked to take the position, I was told I would be taking the position. I will now be responsible for running a program that contains about 100 graduate students. This promotion mandates MANY more hours of work with no real additional income (I get a course release and honestly would be much easier to just teach the course). I also get to now waste a whole day or two of my time moving my entire office into the "nicer and bigger" administrative office. I don't care about shit like this but apparently it is very important that I keep up appearances and the dean expects me to pack and move. There was also the drama of a colleague having a shit fit because she was not offered the same job. We had the cat crisis. I have been dealing with a grieving child ever since who also was ill. Add in a flat tire, a nasty argument I had with the doctor (I told him I was going to have to cut clinic hours because of the promotion and he freaked as we are coming into season), a $1000 vet bill, and the rush to get our condo ready for the renters arriving next week and I had way too much stress at a time...BOOM the AI comes back! Did the taper trigger it? Partly but I know myself pretty damn well and the job stress had me way more upset than the physical stress of withdrawal. I am used to being in a lot of pain.
As for the pain, for the past 2 months I have managed it with gabapentin, ice, heat (that was why I was in the hot bath last night), toradol, ibuprofen and I had a hydrocodone last Saturday. I am able to moderate my use of this opiate. Have had a whole great big bottle sitting here since I quit the oxy. My pain has been ok. It is something I have weirdly come to know as part of me. It does in some ways make me stronger most days...I have learned to surf the waves of pain as they come. Some days suck.
As for professional help, my drug use was directly related to my marriage crashing and burning. We are seeing a marriage counselor as well as my husband's psychiatrist to work on our issues. Things are improving. The fact that we are having sex again routinely tells me this! LOL sorry for the TMI. I have seen a therapist in the past to resolve the whole sexual assault thing but I really am not sure this helped much. I have been quite surprised at how painful it still is to talk about this 30 years later. I do think hashing up all those memories did make my stress level worse. I find myself wanting to place it away on a shelf and I resist thinking or reflecting on how those experiences have shaped me. I do have some mild PTSD but I have not required medications. Exercise helps but of course that makes AI worse. Tomorrow I will try a short walk and see how that makes me feel.
OK. Kratom kicking in. Am going to try and sleep. Hugs all, JD
Jungledog added 274 Minutes and 30 Seconds later...
Ok got 6 hours sleep although not in a row. Got back to bed a little before 5. Ordered myself some clonidine yesterday. I am going to hold my betablocker and switch to clonidine. This should control my BP and help with withdrawal symptoms too. Was hoping it would help me sleep but I probably need to take 2 at bedtime. If you have this drug please take it as prescribed. This is an old school powerful drug that can lay you on the floor if you fuck with it by dropping BP and heart rate too low. I use it routinely yet cautiously in practice as I find it provided stellar BP (blood pressure) control and is a very effective, non addicting anti-anxiety drug. It will drop some people's heart rate into the 30s or even cause pauses (where the heart beat stops briefly) so again take it as prescribed and don't assume if one is good, 4 pills would be better.
Anyhow, I always wake in mild withdrawal. It is a little depressing. 2 months off oxy and only on kratom and still waking feeling shitty. I took 2 tsps of Bali (got a big shipment yesterday) and 600mg of Gabapentin. Had to call that one in yesterday too as I was running low. Gabapentin takes 2 hours to work. Resuming a higher dose of that has really made a huge difference. I have been comfortable detox wise I just physically am super fucking tired, my limbs feel like lead, and have this general feeling of malaise. These are the same symptoms of AI I had while still on the oxy and MSContin so has nothing to do with kratom taper.
Well waiting for it all to kick in while I sip green tea. Have also increased my doses of B complex and Vitamin C. Will make a green smoothie and go to my home office for a day of paperwork and writing. Hope you all are great!
Jungledog added 91 Minutes and 52 Seconds later...
Took a good leisurely 4 mile walk. Dropped my pace. It rained on me but felt good. A bit tired but otherwise feel ok. Dropped 2 lbs so that is actually a very good sign. It is impossible to lose weight when cortisol elevated so it must be improving.