I hear what you are asking. The short answer is my marriage has been a bad place for 15 years. He suffers from a mental illness that previously he had basically refused to treat. In the 3 years I started to abuse my pain meds, I simply could no longer cope with all the drama and hurt. Are things 100% better right now? No. Is this a source of stress? Yes. My greatest source of stress? Yes.
We are two people who value marriage and value each other. We have 3 kids and one of whom is still quite young. We want them to have an intact marriage. We are doing the emotional work to heal and have been doing so for about a year. We still have a way to go and we are trying to stop ingrained patterns that are not helpful. Does this impact my recovery? Of course it does! But here is the reality...I still need to come off these medications.
Most of my feeling like shit has to do with AI, not withdrawal. Healing from AI takes YEARS and some people never fully recover. I was lucky enough to finally find an endocrinologist who recognizes this disorder and he is strongly encouraging me to get off the opiates (and kratom) so that we can work at resetting my HPA axis. Getting this disorder was certainly the result of multiple trauma, job stress, chronic legitimate pain, and living with a man who REFUSED to acknowledge that he was mentally ill...all of this cumulative 30 years of stress led to my body literally failing. So yes, you are spot on that I have underlying issues. I am doing the work to resolve these things but as it took 30 years to get here it is going to take time to dig the fuck out.
Getting off this shit is important to my recovery and yet there is a balancing act of moving forward while not moving too fast and worsening the AI. I am fully aware that I am in a Catch-22. Knowing this does not make it any easier. I appreciate your concern and insight.
Jungledog added 102 Minutes and 51 Seconds later...
Thanks for the kind words. I am very aware of what my past trauma has taken from me and how it sometimes still impacts my daily life. I too do not want to be a victim. I did quite a few years of therapy and perhaps that is something I need to fit back into my life. For now, I consider this place therapy. I can honestly and frankly pour out my thoughts and feelings and you all are there to push me to a better place. This has made all the difference this time around.