Reputation. - Part 1

By natey7 · May 12, 2015 · ·
  1. Ugh. I don't even know how to start this. I relapsed on Morphine like a year ago. After the relapse I lost my fucking music. Fell off the wagon. I went on for months without it.
    Before I stopped listening to music I was able to keep things fairly together. After I stopped it all together I started ruining my reputation. Burning myself so to speak.
    I guess I thought I could live without it after the relapse. I didn't realize I was high though when I thought that...

    The longer I went without it the worse things got. I feel like I just traveled over the globe leaving a bunch of scratches and battle marks over everything I came across.

    It's kinda like what the fuck happened. I remember waking up in Ontario on some strangers floor and coming to after I took some Codeine. Feeling like I had just tumbled provinces like a dry piece of tumble weed.

    After I came back home I didn't really know what was going ON.

    It took me about half a year to get back into my music. During that time I feel like I just burnt a lot of bridges. Like I removed some plug from the tub that wasn't supposed to be removed.

    I couldn't even listen to music with lyrics for so damn long. My body forgot how to get the music it wanted or it started just turning on the radio and choosing the easy way out. But it didn't feel right.

    I'm pissed off that I left what I knew for so long. Destroyed my life more than I thought was possible. Ruined my reputation.

    Fuck. I tried to keep it perfect for so long. I'm fuckin pissed at myself...

    I honestly can't believe opiates are that strong... It wasn't like that when I first got into them. They didn't cause massive damage in such a short period... I honestly didn't believe that it gets worse every time. I thought I could control it again. And I didn't even know thinking that again was possible.

    I'm sick of trying to prove something.

Comments

  1. smith9666
    Re: I feel like I ruined my bloody reputation HARD.

    From personal experience, the best piece of advice I have for you is to give it time.

    If these people that you are referring to knew that you were on drugs and now know that you are clean then eventually they will forgive you... If they are true friends. If they dont, then maybe they aren't someone who is worth it anyways? Make sure you aplogize to them sincerely but beyond that just back off and work on yourself. Keep reaching out but dont overwhelm them and push them.

    Also, making new friends is actually a good idea. I did that after I quit and it really was like a fresh start. I didn't feel like I was being judged (which I never was by my previous friends... It was all in my head and from me feeling sorry for myself).

    Hope all is well with you.
  2. malsat
    Re: I feel like I ruined my bloody reputation HARD.

    I know the feeling. The combination of my own chaos and another individual spreading lies about me led to serious problems. I spent a long time trying to repair the damage after I got into recovery but ultimately it fell apart around me due to that other person's lies. People found them easy to believe, I guess, seeing all the other shit I'd done.

    So I've realised that there comes a time when you just need to move on. Do you really want to be around people who've formed a low opinion of you? Trust me, it doesn't make you feel good about yourself and you can invest a lot of time and emotional resources in trying to repair the damage, but people will never entirely forget and that can lead to a lot of pain for you. I wish I had just buried my past entirely when I went into recovery instead of wasting myself trying to put a new coat of paint on a car wreck.

    Fresh starts are amazing things. You get to reinvent yourself.
  3. natey7
    Re: I feel like I ruined my bloody reputation HARD.

    Thanks for the helpful replies! That actually makes a lot of sense.
  4. xiaobendan
    Re: I feel like I ruined my bloody reputation HARD.

    Benzos are the worst for humiliation ...fuck man I nearly ended up divorced after a 3 week etizolam binge three years back
  5. natey7
    Re: I feel like I ruined my bloody reputation HARD.

    Yeah, you're right malsat.
  6. beentheredonethatagain
    Re: I feel like I ruined my bloody reputation HARD.

    Be your own friend, its only until you stop beating yourself up , then you will get past this set of circumstances.
    You can't change the past
  7. soso
    Re: I feel like I ruined my bloody reputation HARD.

    What posters you on about? What do you mean?
    What music are you on about?? I'm not following what you mean, sorry.
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