Trying to go to sleep last night was hard. I still had several emotions running through me that were itensified after making a journal entry. Overthinking to the point where I wanted to slam my head against the wall just to make it stop. Just when I was about to give in and shout, scream and roll into a ball wishing I never smoked meth in the first place and further calling myself a failure, something in my head snapped.
I went from over-emotional and full of self-pity, to much more serious and confident. I then leaned upwards and looked down at my mattress as if I was talking to myself, then loudly said in a stern voice: "Hey! Stop! Stop that crap! All you really need to do to make things much better is to pass your licensing exam! And finish your two pre-requisite classes for Grad school! That's literally ALL you need to do! It's really not that difficult to understand! Don't over-think it! Just do it!....And you only have 5 days short of a month until your licensing exam so you better get to ite! Its crunch time!"
As crazy as it might look (actually it does look pretty manic), that sheer attitude is something my old self before meth would do. Brush past the non-sense and stick to the goal! Even though I've obviously studied for my license, it's not enough. Actually passing this thing given that I'm still coming down is a long-shot. But comedowns don't last forever. The odds are heavily stacked against me. But, this is where I stand out! I'm closer to being my old-self and I can't wait to be fully be me again!
If not for that moment of giving myself a pep talk and a dose of reality outloud, literally, I may not have this same attitude and may be dwindling further into deep depression. I still have small bouts of tearing in my eyes, but I hope this is more of a release than something permanent.
There's no time for a proper comedown. I won't over-do it, but I will make most of my time. The SuperBowl just finished as I write this. However. My gameday is at the end of this month!
Whatever It Takes!
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