So, I guess you could say I “fucked up”... meaning I picked up some dope and started using again. But hey, I don’t mind, doesn’t bother me. In fact I LOVE it.
But my boyfriend wouldn’t. He would be ashamed. He would be incredibly disappointed, upset. He would lose faith in me. He would leave me. I lied to him about where I was going and what I was doing. Maybe I’m meant to be single and alone, after all. Maybe that would be better than feeding him lies.
Is this ok? Should we just break up, anyway? Some times, it seems like we’re just always fighting. Is it worth the stress, feeling like I need to prove myself to the person I live with? Always acting out of fear, because I worry he will become suspicious and tell my entire fucking family?
This really sucks. This entire situation, really sucks. I know that using heroin is a bad decision. I know I should “turn back while I can”. But I don’t want to? I love my boyfriend. I really do. But some times, I love the dope more.
I used two days in a row, now I’m in the process of taking at least a few days off. (We’ll see how this goes. Lol. Maybe I’ll wait until tomorrow to begin)
If I use today, I’ll either get a bit sick tomorrow, or feel extra anxious. What are some things I could do tomorrow to make it a little bit easier, to feel a little bit less anxious, if I don’t use? I need to do what I can to keep this hidden. Yeah, I’m such a great person, I know.... hiding ANOTHER relapse from the people who love me. Will I ever stop? Nah, I’m too comfortable being a fuck up.
I just get so annoyed. Often, I just want to be alone. By myself. With no one but me and my cats.