Same Shit, Different Day

By rj95 · Mar 10, 2019 · ·
  1. Hey guys.
    So, I guess you could say I “fucked up”... meaning I picked up some dope and started using again. But hey, I don’t mind, doesn’t bother me. In fact I LOVE it.

    But my boyfriend wouldn’t. He would be ashamed. He would be incredibly disappointed, upset. He would lose faith in me. He would leave me. I lied to him about where I was going and what I was doing. Maybe I’m meant to be single and alone, after all. Maybe that would be better than feeding him lies.

    Is this ok? Should we just break up, anyway? Some times, it seems like we’re just always fighting. Is it worth the stress, feeling like I need to prove myself to the person I live with? Always acting out of fear, because I worry he will become suspicious and tell my entire fucking family?

    This really sucks. This entire situation, really sucks. I know that using heroin is a bad decision. I know I should “turn back while I can”. But I don’t want to? I love my boyfriend. I really do. But some times, I love the dope more.

    I used two days in a row, now I’m in the process of taking at least a few days off. (We’ll see how this goes. Lol. Maybe I’ll wait until tomorrow to begin)

    If I use today, I’ll either get a bit sick tomorrow, or feel extra anxious. What are some things I could do tomorrow to make it a little bit easier, to feel a little bit less anxious, if I don’t use? I need to do what I can to keep this hidden. Yeah, I’m such a great person, I know.... hiding ANOTHER relapse from the people who love me. Will I ever stop? Nah, I’m too comfortable being a fuck up.

    I just get so annoyed. Often, I just want to be alone. By myself. With no one but me and my cats.
    PastorFuzz likes this.

Comments

  1. jazzyj9
    Do you really "love it" though? I get the enjoyment of escape, but love is very different. Maybe try really analyzing what you enjoy about it and what you enjoy about your partner. Real love is better than any drug. I think if someone would pick a drug over love, then maybe they have never felt love before. Love is the best feeling I've ever felt, hands down beats any high in the world.

    If you aren't in love with your partner maybe it's time to find someone else, or something else. Stayin on heroin though in my opinion is a waste of your life. But that's your choice if you want to do that, but don't be an asshole and waste other people's lives, let them go and live their own life. That's real love, it's not selfish. Real love is letting someone go and be free rather than wasting their time. Perhaps try to figure out what love is and what it feels like and how to express it to yourself and others, then maybe you won't want to get "high" anymore. You're giving yourself a substitute for a real need you have.
  2. jazzyj9
    I just want to add that I hope you’re able to get the help you need to figure shit out so you can live up to your full potential.
      angelraysmehigher and Lakes2017 like this.
    1. rj95
      Thank you for your post. I appreciate your honesty and experience. I’m trying to get back on track; back to another day 1. Hoping I can beat this for good. Trying to take things a step at a time. It’s time to focus on myself and getting my life back.
      jazzyj9 and PastorFuzz like this.
  3. Lakes2017
    Accept today for what it is at this moment. Stay in the present. Dont beat yourself about the past nor fear and project what will happen. How YOUR life goes right now for the next few hours us all that matters. All that thinking about the past and future is just denial and delaying behaviors you have well developed insted of staying in tbe present. You know what you have to do. You know already. Rehab wont kill you. Stick some drugs in you again and you may be just another dead cold mother, girlfriend, daughter and friend. And then the news is over. Your intentionally NOT taking care of your illness is hurting a lot of people. No more lecturing. Please just make it till the sun sets tonighr. Then till midnight, then till sunrise. You are loved here. Big hug for you.and a smile too.fp
      jazzyj9, PastorFuzz and rj95 like this.
  4. PastorFuzz
    I appreciate your honesty. Without the jalle we ain't comfortable in our own skin, but it's a mistake to equate that with love. It ain't love, just addiction. As jazz said, love is far better than dope.

    The few short years I had love in my life I had no further need for dope. Now I have no love but I still have heroin and I pretty much hate life. With every hit I take I lose my capacity to experience love.

    I hope you can get clean and stay clean cuz there's nuthin good to be found here. We both know that, right?
      ICEMAN1216, jazzyj9 and rj95 like this.
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