So you know when you're reading all these stories about crazy stuff people have done because of drugs. There was a huge part me of that was in total denial, like yeah I have issues but I'm not that bad now those people have issues. I remember reading an article on drinking too much that said something like "don't think you don't have a problem just because nothing really bad has happened yet" and one of the examples was getting a DUI.
Yeah I just barely got out of one with a good lawyer and the 4th amendment. I should have learned a lesson, I thought I was going to. But then I ran out of booze early one night and my hands shook so badly I could barely type and I felt a sense of impending doom that I have never before experienced. That's saying something for me because I've been through a lot of shit. Friends that have committed suicide, trying to do it myself, getting locked in a psych ward, to name a few. It is my greatest shame to say that after spending 12 hours in jail and paying 4 grand to escape charges, I went and did it again. I felt this sense of urgency that I would not make it if I didn't go out and get more. I didn't have any trouble but seriously what a fucking idiot.
If that wasn't bad enough I had the worst incident that I've ever had happen today. At work I have to stand a lot and this started to become a problem when a cyst in my foot got swollen. My doctor who has no idea about my drug use gave me a steroid and tramadol. The problem is I didn't want to stop drinking...so I didn't. I also have a weekly DXM problem and the last time I dosed I'm positive I had a seizure.
So for a few days I drink and take the steroid, foot doesn't get better and I feel like shit so I stop taking the steroid. Never ever do that, once you start you have to taper off. About a day later I'm just taking tramadol to get to work and still drinking at night, also pretty dumb because that can cause seizures. That night I got home and noticed something was off but I couldn't put my finger on it.
I start my nightly binge but I just feel worse and worse so I kept drinking more. The next thing I know it's 12 hours later and I'm on the floor with all the lights on. There is an upset voicemail from my boss because I didn't show up for work and have missed so many days from my foot cyst. I have about 5 tabs of omegle open where I'm saying really crazy random shit to strangers and giving out personal info like my name and number. There is also a call from a delivery place upset that I ordered food but didn't answer the door. Wtf. I can only vaguely recall doing any of it.
Then the shaking starts. I start convulsing and my mouth tastes like something metallic. My whole body will not stop twitching and it feels like I have stomach flu. There's a ringing in my ears that alternates to buzzing silence and pressure. The room starts to warp and bend and I hear quiet whispers, see random images I can't really recall. I think I stopped breathing a couple of times and felt a strange sensation of not being in my body. I thought to myself this is it, you're going to die. Part of me was content to just have it all end. I spent all day like that.
Now I'm approaching 24 hours of no alcohol. The tremors have died to a light shake but my stomach heaves with anxiety every few minutes because I fucked up so much. My body was compromised with alcohol and steroid withdrawal, I have never been so out of it in my life. I have to face work early tomorrow and I know I will be up literally all night if I don't drink again. I don't want to have to but I can't afford to not go in. I can't believe it's gotten to this point. Addiction just crept up on me year after year and I feel so helpless. Anyways thanks for reading. I'm going to try to figure out what bs I can come up with to not get fired and hope strangers don't start calling me.