Shoppin' for my Tombstone

By PastorFuzz · Jan 24, 2019 · ·
  1. 1-23-19 Howzitgoin everybody?
    You know you've gone a lil too far when you turn on the local news and featured on the segment called "U.S.Marshal's Most Wanted" happens to be someone on your speed dial.

    Last week I had an unexpected house guest for a couple days. I fear Fat Jack ain't long for this world. One of my dealers, Fat Jack (which distinguishes him from two other dealers also named Jack) has the misfortune to be a slave to his own merchandise.

    When you wanna go shoppin for your tombstone at Fat Jack's you ask him if he's got tar and if he answers yes then you know he's flush and you'll come away with some fairly righteous street-ready product, but if he's outta tar you know he's runnin lean and steppin on it like crazy cuz he's in the red and once again fallin short of meetin his obligations to some serious wholesalers whose patience with him is also runnin lean, and so unless you want product that's 90% cut you steer clear of Fat Jack and move on to the next Jack on your list.

    I've watched him spiral steadily deeper down into his disease (which happens to be my disease too) over the past couple months and it's like when you come upon the scene of a horrific car accident and you find yourself inexplicably drawn to look at what you know you don't wanna see. The other night I found him sittin on my toilet. He was noddin, slumped over, his soiled underwear down around his ankles, and a point hangin from the side of his neck like a poison dart, and the contempt I feel for this poor bastard doesn't mask the uneasy feelin in my gut like I'm Ebenezer Scrooge presented with a glimpse of what his future holds in store for him.

    Fat Jack is the gambler who's so far into his bookie that he can't even cover the interest on his debt, much less service the principal. With his line of credit cut off he's gotta pay cash up front for product he's gotta have in order to recoup the loss caused largely by his own insatiable appetite, so he does what anyone in his shoes would do. He comes home from the grocery store with a one-pound bag of brown sugar, heats it up until it turns into a sticky dark brown goo, fills up a couple dozen one-gram baggies to go, and sells them to his "occasionals" as righteous tar, a strategy that succeeds in gettin him off the hook and back into the good graces of his suppliers, but has also gotta whole posse of pissed off Mexican bangers with neck tattoos cruisin the neighborhood lookin to put his head in a sack, his long-sufferin wife and two lil crumb snatchers movin back home with Mama, and his worthless ass poundin on my door at 11:30 at night desperately seekin shelter from the storm.

    I'm no angel and Fat Jack ain't no friend. Even tho his predicament don't mean shit to me, I scraped together enough coin to placate the "occasionals" and persuade them to lift the death sentence after three nights and two days of him camped out in my front room, smokin my ciggs, smokin my weed, fuckin up my toaster oven, and eatin all of my frosted strawberry poptarts. He's fully aware that my hospitality comes with a price and that I didn't run interference for him with the customers he hustled outta the goodness of my heart.

    Fat Jack and his family are back in their apartment and it's bizness as usual except he dropped by my place last night with three grams of decent jalle, roughly ten percent of what I hadda pay out in order to set things right with the "occasionals" so he could safely return home to his apartment.

    Now the blue bonnets will be in bloom by the time I gotta worry bout gettin sick again but every battle I win only makes it so much easier for me to ignore the stone-cold hard fact that I'm losin the war against my own disease and I wonder how long it will be before I'm found sittin in my own filth with a spike in my neck, my tombstone paid in full
    Willie84, JaneGault and Mingo123 like this.


  1. trdofbeingtrd
    Is that a future you are okay with?
      PastorFuzz likes this.
  2. JaneDeux
    Enjoyable read despite the somber subject matter. I often wonder how I have dodged a tombstone as long as I have.

    I think Fat Jack may be a bit closer to his tombstone than we are. I feel for his children and baby mama. Eating all of someone's strawberry pop tarts is dangerous not to mention fucking up a man's toaster oven. I think "Fat Jack" should become "Jack Ass", just a suggestion.

    You make sure that lasts until the bluebonnets bloom. Jane
      RaoulDuke32 and PastorFuzz like this.
  3. la fee brune
    I don’t say this to a lot of people, but I think you have a gift for storytelling. If you ever want some help turning your stories into something you could get published, let me know. I’d be happy to help.

    Be safe.
      Mingo123, PastorFuzz and JaneGault like this.
  4. Mingo123
    Pastor Fuzz it is just good to know you are alive and still telling stories. Please don't lose all the good that is in you to a Fat Jack death.
  5. PastorFuzz
    Howzitgoin everybody!
    It's 4am and I just managed to delete everything I wrote last night in response to y'all's comments. I'm still the same hopeless technical imbecile I've been ever since I arrived here a year ago. Some things don't change.

    Another thing that ain't changed is how grateful and humbled I am to know y'all read what I write in these entries. I thank you for your time, your tolerance, your input, and for just lettin me be a part of it all even tho I keep makin the same mistakes over and over again and remain the same tiresome unworthy toad that walks on two legs.

    @trdofbeingtrd, in one succinct question you cut straight to the heart of the matter with the kinda insight and clarity of thot that commands respect, inspires trust, and shines a harsh light into the murky regions of my character to reveal the cancerous ambiguity that cripples my resolve, holds my recovery in check, and leaves me unable to answer your simple yes or no question.

    I gotta get ready to go make war on a big hackberry tree that's on the verge of fallin on my client's house, so I'm gonna post this now before I accidentally delete it again. I'll be back asap to respond to the rest of y'all's comments.

    Many thanx for the endless and unconditional support and friendship that always uplifts me and restores my will to reach for higher ground
      JaneGault likes this.
  6. trdofbeingtrd
    Strawberry pop tarts is a freaking tag in this entry......LOL

    It seems that for most addicts, when the high is around then the high ain’t so bad, it’s only when it’s not there as an opiate for the soul (self overall) that we have to face the negative and ugliness.
      Mingo123 and PastorFuzz like this.
  7. PastorFuzz
    Howzitgoin everybody!
    @Mingo123, you always make me smile! You and @JaneGault and @la fee brune and all the others here who've befriended me, offered me their support, encouragement, and wisdom, and put up with me and forgiven me on those occasions when I've shown what a complete immature jackass I can be, have come to mean the whole world to me.
    This loner has finally learned what it's like to have friends. Now I just need to learn how to become a better friend
      Mingo123 likes this.
  8. PastorFuzz
    The previous comment I posted a few hours ago wasn't actually finished. It was interrupted. I was in the process of scorin from a dealer I know whose name ain't Jack.

    I heard from an ex today. She's elderly now, neurotic, disabled and homebound. The day before yesterday she came down with shingles. She's a pretty tough old bat but the pain had her in tears, so I got on the fon and hit the streets to do what I could for her. Opioids are kinda scarce these days and when you do find them they're a lil pricey too, but my luck held and I just dropped back by her place on my way home to find her feelin a lot better.

    I believe one of the greatest gifts a person can give another person is relief from their suffering. To relieve the suffering of an enemy increases the magnitude of the gift to the degree that neither person, giver or recipient, emerges empty-handed.

    This is how it is done here at DF. Our tribe rises above the individual personalities of it's members, which increases DF's credibility, which in turn enhances and empowers our philosophy to perform at its fullest potential to alleviate the suffering of more people and save more lives. Furthermore, when, as individuals, we faithfully adhere and behave according to this principle, we each experience personal growth that helps us overcome our own addictions. On the other hand, any time we allow personal bias and prejudices to govern our behavior we're operating to our own detriment and to the detriment of DF.

    If I wanna learn to become a better friend, then I need to practice becoming a better member of this tribe.

    Whether I abuse drugs on a daily basis or strive for recovery, I can't continue to behave on here as I've often done in the past, using DF as a pedestal from which to launch personal crusades or attacks on other members, or to air petty grievances, indulge in pointless rants, or stir up a bunch of shit simply cuz I happen to be bored or want attention or feel a need to give free reign to my rebellious nature.

    To be effective on here we must have the freedom of self expression, but that freedom comes with responsibility and an obligation to exercise self-discipline and restraint, to use good judgement, and to remain mindful of DF's core function.

    It was good that I left DF for awhile. I began to forget why I came here in the first place and began to take for granted what a privilege it is to be a part of this amazing group of people and what a unique and rare opportunity I'd been given to better myself and uplift others. In the end, I nullified my contribution to DF when I began to use it as my own personal playground to exercise and indulge my worst defects of character.

    I'm never so high on drugs that I can't control myself. I have no excuses to offer.

    And tho I've been forgiven and accepted back into the fold by most of those here who know me, I post this journal comment as my long overdue apology to @Alfa, for the disrespect I've shown and the damage I've done.
      Mingo123 and haloperidol like this.
  9. haloperidol
    Not just well-spoken and kind hearted, but brave too. Bravo. You speak your own truth, but you touch on so many others’ truths as well. Including mine.
  10. PastorFuzz
      haloperidol likes this.
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