This is going to be heavy on the self pity.
Im going to be all over the board this afternoon, but hopefully it will help to write. Its one of those days when I really dont feel like doing anything. I went for a run, meditated a little, yet I remain ambivalent about everything. Pointless. Things just seem pointless.
I hung out with friends last night. All they do is joke about trivial things while they drink and smoke and dont take care of themselves, and Im the idiot because I still try to participate. I just want to care. But I really dont. I really dont care who was on jimmy fallon last night or what new clothing someone has. I know its the people themselves I should care about and I do care about them, I think, but man they make it difficult. I dont know if I dont like people or If its the people around me or just myself projecting.
Its the quest for happiness and pleasure that I dont understand. Those things never did all that much for me. I think they harm me more than help me, but everyone around me seems to think thats what makes life worth living.
The people I respect and admire are hardcore drug addicts, romantic and dark writers, and discontented philosophers. Nietzsche wasnt a happy person. At least i doubt it.
But on my own life is unbearable with loneliness and twisted thoughts. I guess Im looking for my tribe, and myself. I still feel a connection with those around me but its waning.