(still) Anti Social

By RaoulDuke32 · Mar 8, 2019 · ·
  1. This is going to be heavy on the self pity.

    Im going to be all over the board this afternoon, but hopefully it will help to write. Its one of those days when I really dont feel like doing anything. I went for a run, meditated a little, yet I remain ambivalent about everything. Pointless. Things just seem pointless.

    I hung out with friends last night. All they do is joke about trivial things while they drink and smoke and dont take care of themselves, and Im the idiot because I still try to participate. I just want to care. But I really dont. I really dont care who was on jimmy fallon last night or what new clothing someone has. I know its the people themselves I should care about and I do care about them, I think, but man they make it difficult. I dont know if I dont like people or If its the people around me or just myself projecting.

    Its the quest for happiness and pleasure that I dont understand. Those things never did all that much for me. I think they harm me more than help me, but everyone around me seems to think thats what makes life worth living.

    The people I respect and admire are hardcore drug addicts, romantic and dark writers, and discontented philosophers. Nietzsche wasnt a happy person. At least i doubt it.

    But on my own life is unbearable with loneliness and twisted thoughts. I guess Im looking for my tribe, and myself. I still feel a connection with those around me but its waning.
    PastorFuzz likes this.

Comments

  1. PastorFuzz
    Howzitgoin? I get that. I'm a solitary person, a dedicated loner. My emotions remain disengaged, especially when I gotta circulate among people. It's kinda like a numbness with an undercurrent of formless depression, and yeah, on occasion, a deep black lonliness so strong I can almost taste it. And the thots? Unpleasant, dark, violent. And people, like you said, mundane interests, inane waste of time bs conversation. I count my friends on just one hand. Yeah, even a loner gets lonely sometimes.
    Does that sound like what it's like for you?
      RaoulDuke32 likes this.
  2. RaoulDuke32
    You got it. For me its a disconnection and a sense of purposelessness. Dissociation.
    Thoughts that arent really my own, feelings I cant explain.
    Ive been basically clean for the last year but I feel like I need to medicate in order to exist in this society but I dont want to exist in this society.

    I really dont mean to be on the "poor me" train today. Lifes been very confusing. Im going through what I can only describe as an existential crisis or a search for god. I hope Ill be able to face whatever it is I find.

    Courage will be the word of the day. Courage to look for something deeper and not to just accept the surface of things.
  3. PastorFuzz
    Just cuz you're discussin mutual mind states of depression don't automatically qualify it as a pity party. I ain't happy either. I'm doing jalle everyday. Some days I wish I was dead. I make just enough coin to get by. Out in the real you would never know cuz I wouldnt tell you
    here on DF I tell everything I know:)

    Except for the occasional loneliness for a female partner, I'm good with the solitude and I'm accustomed to the depression. Yeah I here ya in regards to being disconnected. Disengaged. Disassociated. Disturbed
    .
    I don't look deep. Some things are better left unexamined and so much this sort of thing is subjective, so many different possible interpretations, every answer we find just raises more questions.

    I hope you can work thru this. I hope it ain't detrimental to your recovery. Solitude breeds skewed and outta perspective thinking and beliefs. I think you're an interesting, intelligent, soulful person who's searching. You can hmu on a DM anytime 24/7. Sometimes I'm a lil slow to respond but I won't let your messages go unanswered. So if you ever wanna shoot the shit, gimme a shout
      RaoulDuke32 likes this.
  4. jazzyj9
    I dislike superficiality as well. I enjoy thoughtful conversations or doing fun things. Maybe you can direct the conversation in a direction that you prefer next time. Some folks are uncomfortable with vulnerability which is often required for more meaningful interactions.
      PastorFuzz likes this.
  5. RaoulDuke32
    Thanks guys, I think I just need to accept the way people are for the most part. I started a new job so im constantly interactiving with people, constantly listening to loud music drowning out thought. Plugged into my phone. When I get a day off and go trail running with no distractions I tend to start thinking way to fucking deeply for my own good. Questioning things that really dont serve me to question.

    Im working on balancing this overactive mind with passion and just simple enjoyment but its not natural for me. I want to fix things.
      friend1980, Mingo123 and PastorFuzz like this.
  6. jazzyj9
    I overthink too. Have ever studied Buddhism or anything which gets one out of identity with thoughts? Being the observer? Meditation helps. Your insights to accept people as they are is a good one. And also showing your friends who you are is good too.
  7. Hopeless78
    @RaoulDuke32 how long have you been off bupe? I feel you, I just jumped off a few weeks ago — it ain’t easy by any means. I have anxiety and depression before I ever did opiates and opioids, but it’s gotten much worse from using. Have you considered any meds to ease the situation? Anti depressants, anti anxiety meds? I decided to go that route this time just to make things a little easier. Regardless, I relate to what you’re feeling.
  8. RaoulDuke32
    @Hopeless78 Ive been off bup since last May. Or April. It was a grey time.

    Other meds are basically a no-no for me, I decreased on Bup, Tramadol, Temazapam, Klonopin and soma for about a year. Anti-Anxiety meds definitely do help. They make me feel normal at this point, either because I did high dose benzos throughout my 20's or because of a natural GABA deficiency.

    I got hooked on benzos the first time I came off opiates about 8 years ago and I dealt with more mental anguish from them than I ever did from opiates. Be careful. My advice would be to have a doctor who knows these medications are extremely addictive and should be used as a temporary band-aid for 2-4 weeks.

    Anti-depressants I just dont agree with but Id never tell anyone else they should/shouldnt. I dont have enough expertise or experience with them anyways.

    @jazzyj9 I try to meditate every day, I need to be better about it. I lift weights for about 2 hours, run 5-6 miles or do hot yoga every day sometimes multiple times. Its definitely the only thing that really keeps the demons at bay.

    Have a good day everyone!
      PastorFuzz, friend1980 and jazzyj9 like this.
  9. jazzyj9
    @RaoulDuke32 I think you’re doing great! Thanks for being an inspiration in recovery!
      PastorFuzz likes this.
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