I have been going once a week to a good therapist, not the best I have had but good. I am starting to think I may need an in patient program.
The last 8 weeks have been interesting and good really. I used my pain meds properly and drank alcohol 1 time.
That changed this last time, which was last week. I got my script. Didn't save enough for a taper and the circle of depression and addiction continues.
I am so down on myself and have been for the last few days. I know most of it is because I have been experiencing PAWS, but I already have a shitty amount of depression and this does not help. I just got through crying my eyes out. Felt good to be honest. One thing my therapist says that I buy into is that we hold toxins in our body and you got to let them out. Crying is one way she said.
My therapist believes in building people with bad depression and ptsd up before going into darker places. That's fine but it all is a bit slow for me. She really believes in breathing techniques, and they have helped a little but, they are not some mind blowing life altering thing. Instead this journey is a lot more like baby steps from the movie What about Bob.
I talked to my wife today who can always tell when I am majorly depressed. We hung out she listened and she thinks it might be good to go to a in patient program that works with chronic diseases, which often times goes hand in hand with chronic pain.
I realized today that I would not even be on pain meds if I did not have the diseases. I know that may be obvious to some but it struck me as important.
I am at a point where I can stop all drugs and alcohol (which I have for the most part) and live with the pain of the diseases, and in so doing live a better healthier mental life, or I can stay on the pain meds and live a happier physical life and a down right shitty mental life.
The path seems obvious to me but is hard to commit to. Why? Well it's just plain scary. I do not want to be in constant pain. Mentally or physically. So I took all my alcohol that has been unused the last three months (sans one slip up) and poured it all out in front of my wife. It was my idea and it gave me a shit load of anxiety. After she left for work I bawled my eyes out because of all the shit going on inside me. Now a few hours later it feels good not to have that poison in my house tempting me. Although you can just drive down the street and get it no problem.
That is where I am at right now with this stuff and I am glad this site is here for people like me to come to. When I see I am not alone in my struggles I am a bit more keen on staying on the right track.