still scared

By LaNMan · Sep 11, 2018 · ·
  1. my biggest fear is not dying. not even close. i once wondered if a butter knife was sharp enough to slit my wrists. it was the sharpest thing they had at that detox. my biggest fear is not spiders, snakes, heights, or public speaking. i’m not afraid of going to jail. there have been times that i wish i would get arrested again; that society would save me from myself. i’m not afraid to lose everything on the material plane. i know how it feels to wake up on a park bench. in a shed. after a blackout with strange people in a stranger place. i came there with little and left with less. have you ever carried around a backpack that has everything you own in the whole world inside of it? when i was homeless, i was surrounded by people who were just as fucked up as i was. i could tolerate them back then. at least i wasnt alone. dereliction: the state of having been abandoned and become dilapidated. reading that makes me sweat. i’ve had small tastes of it here and there: somebody follows me around walmart, tells me to leave. i think they could see it in my eyes on that day. the eyes of a desperate and hungry stray dog. i could never hide it well. i dont wear my emotions on my sleeve, i project them into the sky like the fuckin batman signal. i could see myself flying a sign. begging other human beings for grace and mercy while they pray that the stoplight turns green sooner. my existence would be an offense to them. i can not only imagine the downcast looks, i remember them. mothers clutching their daughters closer to them as they walk by. as a person that speaks sign language/facial expressions/body language as a first language, i can tell you with certainty that they were revolted. a glance to the crook of my elbow. “whats that mark on your arm,” she asked me. i lied. she left me soon after. its not that im running out of cities and states to run away to. however, they are all the same after a certain point: drugs, jobs, healthy people, sick people. things to do. people complaining about how there is nothing to do. every city has a pariah, and my biggest fear is that one day it’ll be me

Comments

  1. PastorFuzz
    Yeah there are things in this life far worse than death. I read your writing and feel like we've passed out in some of the same doorways, chased some of the same dragons. I remember when laundry day meant wading up to my neck out in the gulf. These days it ain't like that for me no more, but I remain an outcast, a misfit, in this world but not of it.

    Thanks for putting it out there. Take care
      Mingo123 and la fee brune like this.
  2. DEJA
    Good post. Everyone needs a reason to do drugs and also everyone needs a reason to stop.
    It's complicated and your post resonated very well with me. We just need to keep searching for answers and try and make sense of the life around us. If you search with an open mind the answers will come. At first they won't but with a little perseverance we will eventually find them.
    Most of us will have suffered terribly and resorted to the comfort drugs provide and most of us will have suffered further as a consequence of our drug use.
    The answer is to let go of evdrything. YES hit the fuck it button and say that's it I've had enough.
    You can't change what people think about you but you still have a lot of power to be happy and in control and free of substances if you choose to.
    Let go. Invite and embrace the pain which won't stay fofever. That's what I m trying to do.
  3. trdofbeingtrd
    Please excuse my ignorance here, but are you saying that staying a homeless person is your biggest fear?

    I remember starting over again with my 3 possessions and a trash bag of clothes. I remember finding out that I was wrong and a huge exaughst fan on the side of a building in a little area under cover of concrete is NOT a good area to stay warm when it’s snowing (that was a bummer). I remember having people treat me like trash if they saw me on the street to the point that today if someone looks like they have good money I make sure to lock my car (repeatedlyl) while giving THEM the “I’m on to you” look.....

    What I can’t help but wonder though is, doesn’t it only matter if the person is a good person? I don’t judge books by their cover, some of the worst I have read had covers promising great stuff inside.....all lies by the person trying to sell them.

    Don’t be afraid, just enjoy the time here and make it as good of a spinning rock for others as you can man.
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