I bet you thought this journal entry was gonna be about how I'm now stopping buprenorphine. Ha! I gotcha! It's not.
I've been thinking about all the times I've stopped bupe in the past.
This must be my.... 3rd? or 4th time around with the medication.
I was skimming over a journal article that was on the lines of how we need to get more people on FDA-approved medications for opioid use disorder to combat the opioid epidemic that is raging in our country and in our world.
This in direct opposition to the shame I feel about taking this medication.
In the past I have come up with a list of reasons why it was time to stop.
Boy it's a long drive up to the city to meet with my nurse practitioner. It basically takes the whole day. Boy I have to go to the special pharmacy that stocks it. Man I have to fight with my insurance company to cover it.
But I think it all really comes down to the shame that I feel around using it.
Really it's no question though, because every time I have stopped I have inevitably, within a year, relapsed.
Compare the above discomforts to the advantages of NOT using, which I recently drew up as part of an activity in the program I am in.
Save more money. And lose fewer jobs. Better control of my symptoms. (That's a big one.) Easier to be honest with family and friends as to what I am up to. Overall health is better. Less ashamed of self... I'm sure the list goes on.
Interesting how shame shows up on both sides. I'm ashamed of taking buprenorphine, yet I'm ashamed of using heroin. I suppose in the ideal world I would take neither.
Anyway, for now I will actively fight against the shame of taking my medication.