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    PLEASE HELP
  1. Hello,
    I took @aemetha 's advice and decided to try out these journals. I have been trying to quit heroin for a bit over a month. I have been failing every single day. I'm at a point where I am asking neighbors for money and I'm loosing all self-respect. I am also having suicidal thought but I don't think I would go through with it. The thing is, I've manage to quit heroin before, about ten years ago, and only relapsed last April. I was even able to use once within those ten years without falling back into it, but now I seem to have lost all willpower. I'm scared I will loose everything if I keep this going. My spouse is at her wits end, and is probably about to give up on me. I'm not too sure what I'm doing here, I just thought I'd write what is going on, and hope that the outcome will be different this time. I've used today, and like every other time I have every intention of quitting, but I'm petrified because I know that tomorrow morning I will find some stupid reason to ask for money, and before you tell me or blame my spouse for giving me money, let it be known that I can be a master manipulator. I truly love her but I feel like I have absolutely no control over my actions when my mind is set. I've tried to get ready, I've been taking vitamins for the last month or so and have been trying to eat, but I am still terrified. I'm scared of being sick, and I'm also scared of what will come after.

    I'll leave it at that today, and try to write again tomorrow.

    I've been using around 1-2 points on average for the last 6 months, IV.

Comments

  1. Lolo from crazy woman
    I don't know if you will understand this but detoxing yourself can be like a high in it's self painfulso true but like a acid trip in a sense if you get what I mean.cant figure out the right words to describe it keep alot of water and i think sugar stuff helps too, cool air and a dark room. Ur lucky to have someone close that cares. It may feel like hell but remember that will pass
    1. Fightforthelight
      detoxing yourself can be like a high in it's self painfulso true but like a acid trip.

      I feel that today. Iv quit alot before but first time this feeling
  2. Coldchicken
  3. Coldchicken
    OK well today I got a present from a family member. Very nice of him but the timing was awful. I used, again. Back to square one, again. I can't believe this. I really don't have much will power. I really do wanna quit this shit, but it has a hold on me it's unbelievable. I will post tomorrow.
  4. Coldchicken
    back to day 0. I have to keep writing these things even if they are embarrassing. I wont give up wanting to quit. I look like an idiot lying to myself. Maybe I am. I don't even know. I woke up this morning and I knew it wasn't the day. I lied to a family member and they sent me some money. Jerk-all and Hide. Thats my story these days. I'm so happy to have a supportive spouse. She wasn't that happy about it of course, but she didn't over react. I have an ultimatum, but she does not constantly put it in my face. I am now backed up against the wall. I have just enough time to do this an be able to work. I'm acting like a teenager, waiting until the last minute. Today is a loss. Tomorrow I plan to get up and go straight to a chat thing online and just stay there all day. Then on day 2, I will really feel sick, and I will do things like take aa drive to where I can buy cheap cigarettes. Then take a walk. Day 3 I will take a shower (I so wont want to) and take another drive to somewhere , I forgot where, but a place my spouse wanted to go. Day 4 I should start to feel a little better. It's the first time I make a plan. I hope it will help me. Have a good day.

    PS: worst thing is I dont even really get a buzz anymore. I used today to feel normal. I forgot what the real normal is.
  5. Coldchicken
    I'm looking forward to writng about actually detoxing. I wimped out today. Tomorow I will succeed I know it. I know it. I CAN DO THIS and I will. I got encouraged a bit because someone told me the stuff here is so shitty my WD might to be as hellish as I expect to be. Guys are so scared of their customers ODing that they make it very weak. I woud really like to not puke. He is so right come to think of it. I barely nod off. I am basically sober. Nothing like when I used 10 years ago. O would barely have time to clean up my gear and down I went. Since then there has been a big shakedown in gangland. Bosses got killed and HAs took over. They always sell very weak shit. I heardthat if you are cought selling real good H youre in for big problems with the bikers. Anyways, it might play in my favor. Off I go to Youtube to kill the rest of this shit day.
  6. Coldchicken
    I wish I could see inside my dishwasher. I have a small counter one and I wonder how it works. Sorry I tried to add it to my last post but I passed the 2 minute mark.
  7. Lolo from crazy woman
    Go back and read what you posted , you're blowing smoke be simple humble yourself get real
  8. Lolo from crazy woman
    Be mad use that for an excuse
  9. Coldchicken
    I do actually wish I could see inside my dishwasher.
  10. Coldchicken
    I woke up stressed out about my withdrawal. Oh and @Lolo from crazy woman how could I ever be mad at you, we've been thru so much together!
    But you see this is my journal and and I can what I wish.
    Tomorrow the big day. I HAVE to quit tomorrow or it's too late.
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