Today is my 6th day on suboxone and my 7th day being off of poppy seed tea. My daily dose is 8mg and I'm going to taper down to 6mg tomorrow although I don't have a ton of 2mg pills left, only 8mg. I wonder if I can quickly taper down to 4mg and just cut my 8mg pills im half so they don't go to waste since I paid cash for them? I didn't want to take the risk of having "opiate addict" as a preexisting condition and have my insurance rates sky rocket.
Here is a brief synopsis of the last several days:
I woke up Friday (day 2 on suboxone) still not really knowing my correct dose, but pretty sure 8mg would suffice. I woke up feeling pretty icky with sweats/chills and fatigue. I immediately took an 8mg dose and after about 45 minutes I felt pretty good. That evening was my son's birthday party and I had a lot to get done to be ready for it. My doctor assured me that I would be feeling fine by then. Miraculously I got through the largest party I have ever hosted. Over 30 kids under the age of 7 and another 20 parents. I wouldn't recommend that. I considered putting off the suboxone induction until after the party but I decided I had made up too many excuses in the past. There was always something in the way of me getting sober. I was done with excuses and figured I'd muscle through it. Suboxone makes it pretty fucking easy, I must admit. I know that I'm basically putting off the withdrawals for when I need to get off of suboxone. I'm hoping to taper down over the course of a month or so. Despite all the negative attention there is about subs on the internet, they have saved my life. My husband is thrilled that I'm not lying and hiding shit from him. Obviously I am even more thrilled than he is, it's not like I wanted to be sneaky. I'm under the care of a psychiatrist who is going to help me not only with the physical side of withdrawals but more importantly, the mental side.
So despite feeling entirely overwhelmed, the party was a success and people around town keep telling me so. It was like I was in a bit of a honeymoon phase on this drug. I was overwhelmed with feelings of freedom and relief. I managed to hide my anxiety and stress throughout the night. Something a lot of us addicts are good at, hiding emotions and burying them. Typically it's a lot easier to hide them when I'm high. Obviously if I'm not feeling any anxiety then others aren't seeing it either. I was and still am a bit concerned whether or not I looked overwhelmed that night. But really, who gives a fuck? It's just hard to be going through something so major and you can't share it with anyone. I'm very uncomfortable with letting my secret out to our community. Too small of a town and way too much gossip, plus I was a middle school and University teacher/professor here for many years and I just don't need that stigma added to my name. That's what has kept me out of inpatient rehab, well that and the cost of it.
On top of the massive party I miraculously plowed right through, my mother arrived on Saturday. Plus I had to work (I'm a musician) Saturday night and Sunday morning. I could write entire novel on my mother. In fact, my husband is doing just that. She annoys the shit out of me and stresses me out to no end. But I've decided to leave those details out for the time
being. She wanted to see my kids and I feel it is important that my kids have a relationship with her. If it weren't for them,I'd probably see her very minimally. I won't get into what is wrong with her and our relationship, you can read my husband's hilarious novel someday.
She knows nothing of my addiction and I need to keep it that way, trust me. For the first time in a few days, I missed using. I was definitely short tempered and had little patience for her during this visit. In the past I could just ignore all the feelings that would boil over and be numb all over. I could brush it all off and forget about it once she was out of sight. Not this time. Long story short she could tell I wasn't very interested in listening to her talk incessantly so she gave herself a pity party and decided to leave a day early, thank God. I know she wanted me to beg her to stay but I didn't have that acting capability in me.
Major sober realization: feelings suck, emotions can be so painful, I'm not sure I like living like this, having to feel all of it. I'll get more into that in a minute.
I've been in a major depressed and bored state since Sunday. My kids were home sick from school Monday and I spent the entire day in bed. I got up a few times to feed the kids or use the bathroom but otherwise I was sleeping or just lying there half asleep. My kids kept begging me to get out of bed, they couldn't believe I spent the entire day in bed. The guilt was incredible. As if I don't have enough guilt for being a selfosh addict mother. I was tired and very depressed. Is this how it's going to be? I used up too much dopamine and now I'm left at a baseline that is lower than it was before my addiction? I have to live with that idea because it is a real possibility. With all that guilt I decided to at least think about how I can help myself, and therefore be a better mother. I absolutely have to start exercising. I have great intentions of this but I think I need a bit more time to get used to the new me. I want to exercise but I just can't motivate to actually do it. I know it would help in so many ways. Part of the problem is that I can't sleep, because I slept all day, or I have too much anxiety and then I'm up all night. Therefore I don't have the energy to exercise. As it is, I already have very little time to jog or get to a gym. Between my kids, practicing piano, working and doing household chores, and now my constant need to be in bed, when and how can I do what I so desperately need to do. Any ideas?? Although my body feels fine and I am having basically zero withdrawal symptoms (because I'm technically not in withdrawal) besides waking up in a hot flash, my mind is not in a good place. I'm hoping this is temporary and I plan on talking to my doctor about it tomorrow.
I'm not going to use, that's not at all where I'm at. I'm just sad about my "breakup" with feeling numb, that was nice. I took an at home urine test and will continue to do so for my husband, to rebuild trust. Finally the opiates came back negative! That was exciting to see. In case your wondering, Suboxone doesn't show up on a drug test for opiates, unless you are specifically testing for it. Something about it being synthetic or something, the doctor explained it. He is not going to be giving me drug tests unless my husband doesn't feel like being the "bad guy" anymore.
I'm not necessarily craving the poppy seed tea, that shit is nasty, but I am craving to be someone else, to escape. I'm particularly feeling down at the moment because of something that just happened. My kids woke up screaming at 11pm and I was trying to practice piano, late nights are my only time to have the freedom to practice uninterrupted.I begged my husband to deal with the kids, he was sleeping but I knew that if I were to go try tl get them back to bed,it would just mean I'd have to be up that much later playing piano. He was stubborn and resisted. I continued to beg and he got up out of bed like a monster. He stormed upstairs yelling at the kids, which scared them and made them scream louder. He then immediately stormed back to bed and yelled "you heroin addict fucked up freak, you go deal with it." Generally speaking he has been supportive of my recovery, angry with me and solely blames my addiction on my stupidity, but at least trying to show love over anger. He definitely does not buy into addiciton being a disease. This comment came out of nowhere though. It was a dagger of cruelty right to the heart. When I was a teenager I would cut myself when someone I loved hurt me badly. Then I began to do drugs for the same reason. To get away. I wanted to get away from my abusive father, my overbearing and controlling mother, awkward or embarrassing things I regretted saying to friends at school, my own head that is constantly tormenting me saying that I'm not good enough. As an adult I have even more to torment myself over: My weight, my sexless marriage, my graying hair, not spending enough quality time teaching and playing with my children, spending too much money, not exercising, eating the wrong foods, staying up too late, sleeping all day, being lazy, having anxiety. The list goes on and on. At least I'm thinking about these things and trying to process them, as opposed to numb it all away. It's harder but in the end I suppose it's healthier and part of the healing process.
I will admit that I'm desperate to do some coke. I know I'm not supposed to with the suboxone. I would only do a little at a time. I just want to feel happy even for just 10 minutes. Now that I'm over the initial transition to
Suboxone, the real work must start. When my husband said those hurtful things for seemingly no reason, I realized that's what his true emotions are, he couldn't keep them in any longer. He thinks I'm some kind of freak because of my addiction. I'm confident enough to realize that I'm not a freak. I am sick, but certainly not a freak. I've obviously admitted to needing help and am moving in the right direction. I need no praise for that, but I do need someone who loves me as is willing to listen. I'm truly gratef for this website and it's readers. Writing all these thoughts is very therapeutic. How can I explain to my husband what's going on in my head in a clear and consice way? How can I let him know how hurtful he was? He's incredibly defensive and stubborn and difficult to discuss problems with. I've never said anything like that to him in a fit of rage. I've learned that once something has been said, it's impossible to un hear it. You can apologize but it will always be remembered. It puts a dent in the love and it never goes away.
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Suboxone days 2-5