First off let me introduce myself. I'm 37 and a stay at home mom of 2 young children. I know there are a lot of us out there, supposed "normal" people that are opiate addicts, whatever that means. I'm not normal just because I'm a mom, I'm not normal because I have a loving husband or own a business or own a house or any of that crap. I just appear to be normal to outsiders, some people can hide it better than others I guess. It's no secret I'm my immediate family that's for sure. I'm also not better than any other addict out there, we are the same. The middle aged doctor shopper, the dilaudid abusing doctor up the road, the family member you can't trust around your expensive jewelry, the injured senior that abuses their script, the homeless heroin addict that has decided they'd rather die than face sober life, we are exactly the same, there is a part of me in all these stereotypes. My story is so similar to many others in my situation. Yet I feel the need to share mine, in hopes that with its uniqueness, I can relate to others and help someone, anyone, including myself. I've spent hundreds of hours surfing the web for a story similar to mine and have yet to find one. That doesn't mean they aren't out there but perhaps they are hiding in plain sight, desperate to connect and desperate for help.
I grew up in an affuluent household. A spoiled little brat with your typical dose of daddy issues. I got straight A's from as far back as I can remember up through my masters program. Who cares though, it's been 13 years since I was in school and I'm certainly a different person than I was then. I just want to give you an idea of the type of person I was and what I had going for me. I was a successful and young college professor and public School teacher. My students had a beloved nickname for me and other teachers claimed I had a cult following amongst the students. I found the love of my life at 30,quickly married and had 2 kids. We bought a business and a comfortable house together. Perfect perfect blah blah blah. At this point in the stereotypical addiction
Documentary, is when you hear about the thing that went wrong, the abuse, divorce in their childhood or something even worse. Yes, I had all those things happen to me, which resulted in depression and an anxiety disorder, I suppose you could say I fit the mold. However, I take full responsibility for the mistakes I've made. It's a lack of will power, the need
to be in control, being impulsive and being used to getting my way. I know addiction is supposed to be a disease, I suppose in my fog I can't see that for myself but I had choices. I had well educated choices and I just chose to be selfish. Maybe the disease is exactly that, the inability to make the right choice. Anyways, here's how the
real addiction started:
I've always been a bit of a party girl and always loved the high from
Pain meds. I'm a red head so I've also always had a tolerance for them (if you aren't aware of the red head/tolerance thing, it's the real deal). I was completely sober through both of my pregnancies, no problem. Then I was able to finagle a Percocet script for breakthrough pain for migraines from the local handout doctor. Eventually it got harder and harder to get the script. I occasionally would doctor shop but rarely since it's a small town. Then an old friend posted something on Facebook about the dark web. Although I never got involved in that, through talking about it he revealed there was a totally legal way to get the same
Pain relieving properties without having a script. He warned me not to overdo it since ther can be withdrawals. So I ordered my first batch of poppy seeds. At this point I wasn't physically addicted to the Percocet I'd been taking. Since the doctor would only prescribe them about once a month and I would use them all up in 1 week so I'd have 3 weeks a month without them. But once I had a steady and easy resource to get even higher than taking five 5 mg percocets and the high would practically last 2 days, I was hooked within 3-4 months. At first I tried to be conservative in my use. But then I started to have some mild WD's and became completely intolerant of the slightest discomfort.
Fast forward 2 years, I'm a junkie. I'm starting suboxone induction tomorrow. Already had the appointment but since I live 2 hours from the doctor, he was kind enough to see me before being in full withdrawals and with explicit instructions, I start the subs tomorrow am.
I'm beyond thrilled to be clean, I'm also terrified as all addicts are when starting the long road to recovery. I'm hoping my journal helps me through this process. I'll check in tomorrow night to let you know how the first day of the induction went.
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Switching from Poppy Seeds to Suboxone