The Beginning of My End to Addiction/Incredibly Rough Day Today. - Part 1

By Sleepynurse · Jan 14, 2015 · ·
  1. Hey all, I am a nurse and also a recovering alcoholic and IV drug user. I've got my story of woe just as most of us do but after a long battle and doing awful things that I am really so ashamed of doing, things I never could have imagined my former self doing, I realized I needed to do something drastic or I was going to die from the needle. :'( On Saturday I went to my hospital employer and confessed. I knew that I could not achieve recovery if my employer was in the dark about my problem.

    After leaving my employer's office, I immediately called my mom and then drove to my husband and told him everything. He had known about the alcohol (of which I have abstained for almost 8 months) but he had no idea about that I had ever had an opiate in my life and definitely no clue that I'd been IV'ing them (morphine, hydromorphone, and meperidine, mainly).

    Needless to say it was a very long weekend filled with cold turkey W/D. But at least this time my husband knew what was going on and was very supportive despite his obvious sadness and feelings of betrayal. Work had told me that there is a three year recovery program for nurses that they would set me up with.

    I felt so relieved to know that I was going to be able to get help. I made it to day 6 of cold turkey and my employer contacted me to set up a meeting. The meeting was this morning and at meeting the hospital terminated me from their employment and told me they would not be able to offer help in my recovery. I immediately fell apart. Horrible ugly sobbing in front of my bosses and HR people. Not solely because of being terminated but, also, because I knew how much this would hurt my husband. Also, sad that I had reached out for help only to be left standing alone.

    I sobbed the whole way home. The phone call to my husband was incredibly hard and he was so angry with me.

    I'm in a really dark place right now. So incredibly sad. I've been through most of the acute W/D over the weekend; I'm hating myself so much for doing something so awful to my family and myself. My husband loved me so much and respected me so much. We have two small children that I adore and are the lights of my life. I had thought so many times that overdosing and dying would be the only way I could break my addiction but I couldn't do it to my kids.

    I don't really know why I'm posting here except I have been reading your guys' stories for so long and drawing a lot of strength from them. I haven't had one inclination to use since I confessed to my job, except immediately after leaving and realizing I wasn't going to have that "one last fix". I credit that with this forum. I felt utter shite this weekend but just got through it with distracting myself on here and watching stupid funny shows that were able to make me laugh even when I felt like dying.

    I guess I'm saying thanks to all who have come before me and I want to document my story here so that it might help a future nursey finding herself in a similar position.

Comments

  1. Mr Bumble
    Re: The Beginning of Her End to Addiction/Incredibly Rough Day Today.

    Hey how you doing. Welcome to the forum and good first post. You should think about sticking this Journal in the Opiate Journal section. A lot of good people in there all going through the same thing right now.

    How many days clean is your "friend"?
  2. Sleepynurse
    Re: The Beginning of Her End to Addiction/Incredibly Rough Day Today.

    She last IV'd Tuesday of last week. And had some oral percocet Friday. Cold Turkey starting Saturday so four days I suppose.

    Thanks for taking a minute to respond. I'm feeling really alone.
  3. ForgottenK8ite
    Re: The Beginning of Her End to Addiction/Incredibly Rough Day Today.

    I knew of a nurse once, beautiful, loved kids, wasn't afraid to state her opinion. Did I mention she was gorgeous? I was just 13 at the time or so, a chubby little kid. But I was happy to see her every time to go to the movies with her. She was maybe 15 years older than me. But she was always excited to go with me. She was smart, but she also had access to a lot of medicine that tempted her.

    I hope you understand that good things in life are hard to find at this point, but believe that they will come if you put hard work and effort in getting better. Was telling your boss about your addiction bad? Yes. But it's not over. We all learn from our mistakes. As you will find, only you and your dedication will lead you out of this hole. You need to tell yourself "I want to get out of this, I need to" and go do normal things like working out, sauna, steam room, swimming, jogging, playing video games, going to church, anything that will not let you sit at home debating the temptation.

    Your employer should've emphasized with you more. I went through a shit-hole battling the test of addiction. But I'm happy that I can say I won and have continued to stay clean. I heard that opiate addiction is like going through hell to get out of. But you gotta get through hell to get to Heaven. Do you want to get to a better place? I hope you do, I have faith in you. This beautiful nurse who was so kind to me was addicted to morphine, codeine, and other things and she IV'ed it too. So I can remotely understand how difficult the addiction is to throw.

    She ended up OD'ing and died. Do you know who this girl was? She was my step-sister, my step-dad's daughter. She was about 31 and she just started living life, finding a boyfriend who was probably awesome to her. I don't think she would or could agree that the IV'ing's were worth it. I guess she just needed someone she could trust in. Trust in us [the community] that we will be with you to guide you and help you out of it. If you need help, call on God and Jesus to help you. Believe they will. Jesus has our backs.

    I hope you may make the right decision not the one that feels good for a change, and get out of this and get your life back on track with your husband, finding a better work environment for nursing, and whatever else you desire to come. It is all possibly. Just try.

    Good luck and best wishes,

    The Forgotten Kite [K8ite -> See the heart in the K8?] We're here for you and want to offer help if you need it. We can't make the decision for you.

    I flew too high for a while or so too, I'm glad this Kite didn't get killed by the lightning :)

    So you too can help yourself. Respect yourself and don't let addiction ruin you like what it seeks to do. Beat the test, Ace it.

    Talk to you soon.
  4. Sleepynurse
    Re: The Beginning of Her End to Addiction/Incredibly Rough Day Today.

    Deep Thanks Kite for your reply. I'm off to the shop to buy stuff to make a cake for my mom's birthday. Little tasks like this are keeping me out of my own head.
  5. AKA_freckles
    Re: The Beginning of Her End to Addiction/Incredibly Rough Day Today.

    Sleepynurse - Are you sure they are not legally obligated to help you? I don't know about different states, but in CA it's common if you are union they have to let you do rehab before they terminate you. I have heard of cases where a little legal pressure on the employer changed the outcome dramatically. You might want to make some phone calls, even though that is probably the last thing you feel like doing right now.

    Also, not to make the situation seem bleaker, but is this going to effect your licensure?
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