Re: The Beginning of Her End to Addiction/Incredibly Rough Day Today.
Hi all, doing well over here on Earth. I tried to call the behavioral health clinic near me, totally forgetting about the holiday so it will have to wait until tomorrow to make an appointment.
Yesterday was the first day I saw a glimmer of my old self. I had some more energy and actually wanted to do somethings around the house. For so long, keeping up the house had felt like the most tedious chore but yesterday I was like a woman possessed.
Cleared all the weeds and dog poop from the back yard and hacked our christmas tree into a bit of firewood. That was actually a very cathartic activity! Though, I've got a few blisters on my hands from the axe today. I'm thinking investing in a sledge hammer might be good for my recovery, ahaha.
Woke up this morning feeling better than I have in YEARS. My mind is so clear. You know the grandiose thinking that you can sometimes get when on opiates and you feel like you're going to make all these changes and life is going to be GREAT?
Well, today I feel like that but just all on my own, didn't remember that my brain could make me excited about the future without the aid of opiates or alcohol.
I'm realizing that the hardest part for me now is when the sun starts to go down. I need to keep myself occupied with making supper, doing the kids' bedtime routine, and then have a video game to play or book to read. So I don't have time to think I'm "bored" wish I could have a drink, or the likes.
I can't believe one week ago, I was dying on the bathroom floor with W/D not knowing about the state of my job and just having shattered the glass revealing to everyone important to me that the hardworking, smart, respectable mother they loved was actually a junkie.
It's like you are lost in the forest of addiction. Running in circles, believing there is no way to ever get out. Not realizing if you just take one painful path for a little bit, the forest's edge is just right there and when you get out, you feel so much relief. I don't know what the heck I'm talking about. I just feel so clear and I've not felt this in so long.
Been taking a lot of steps to try to help secure my future, lots of phone calls, which are hard for me but doing what I have to do. Each task I accomplish sober, no matter how small, helps to get me further and further away from the monster I had become.
Anyway, Going to the gym right now to relieve the little bit of anxiety that is still ever present.
So much positive energy to everyone out there trying to be better and to those even just pondering it.
The Beginning of My End to Addiction/Incredibly Rough Day Today. - Part 11