Re: The Beginning of Her End to Addiction/Incredibly Rough Day Today.
Going to be perfectly honest, yesterday and today have been hard. My depression is coming back in full force. Not negative talk about myself just about everything in general.
My husband has to work VERY hard physically everyday and it barely is enough to pay the bills. I told him I could go back to waitressing until I hear from the board of nursing but he worries that being in a bar will trigger urges to drink, which I cannot refute with any certainty. I haven't had any alcohol since May of last year and I really have no intentions of drinking ever again but I understand his concerns.
I don't want to sound like a child but I just can't get behind the whole "rat race" while I'm sober. It's such a joke. I understand that my children need to be provided for and taken care of and I want that so much but money is not something I worry about, I can spend nothing if we need that. I've never cared about material possessions.
Most of us work so hard and for what? To just get by? It's fucking miserable. My husband cares about me and me getting better but he constantly wonders about "how long until I'm a nurse again". It just is adding stress to this whole situation and making my depression so much worse.
I haven't been able to sleep the last couple nights and my kids are both very sick so I was up with them a lot last night so I'm really hoping that a good night's sleep at some point in the near future will brighten my spirits.
My husband said he wants to meditate and practice some tai chi in the "non desrciptive" wilderness near our place on Earth this weekend. He recommended a book called "Infinite Self" to me that he said he read while he was in Prison (a long time ago). He said it helped him "get his head on straight". But to be perfectly honest, I don't know how straight his head is screwed on
Anyway, not going to use or drink, just having way too many suicidal ideations, I would never because of my children but I hate that I even think about it and as frequently as I do.
The Beginning of My End to Addiction/Incredibly Rough Day Today. - Part 14