The Beginning of My End to Addiction/Incredibly Rough Day Today. - Part 14

By Sleepynurse · Jan 23, 2015 · ·
  1. Re: The Beginning of Her End to Addiction/Incredibly Rough Day Today.

    Going to be perfectly honest, yesterday and today have been hard. My depression is coming back in full force. Not negative talk about myself just about everything in general.

    My husband has to work VERY hard physically everyday and it barely is enough to pay the bills. I told him I could go back to waitressing until I hear from the board of nursing but he worries that being in a bar will trigger urges to drink, which I cannot refute with any certainty. I haven't had any alcohol since May of last year and I really have no intentions of drinking ever again but I understand his concerns.

    I don't want to sound like a child but I just can't get behind the whole "rat race" while I'm sober. It's such a joke. I understand that my children need to be provided for and taken care of and I want that so much but money is not something I worry about, I can spend nothing if we need that. I've never cared about material possessions.

    Most of us work so hard and for what? To just get by? It's fucking miserable. My husband cares about me and me getting better but he constantly wonders about "how long until I'm a nurse again". It just is adding stress to this whole situation and making my depression so much worse.

    I haven't been able to sleep the last couple nights and my kids are both very sick so I was up with them a lot last night so I'm really hoping that a good night's sleep at some point in the near future will brighten my spirits.

    My husband said he wants to meditate and practice some tai chi in the "non desrciptive" wilderness near our place on Earth this weekend. He recommended a book called "Infinite Self" to me that he said he read while he was in Prison (a long time ago). He said it helped him "get his head on straight". But to be perfectly honest, I don't know how straight his head is screwed on :)

    Anyway, not going to use or drink, just having way too many suicidal ideations, I would never because of my children but I hate that I even think about it and as frequently as I do.

Comments

  1. LadyJaid
    Re: The Beginning of Her End to Addiction/Incredibly Rough Day Today.

    Sleepynurse, I have been reading your thread and despite all that you are going through, I think you're amazing. YOu are also a true inspiration to a lot of DF users and when you are feeling down, sad, depressed or unsure of the next phase of your life try to remember you have a whole lot of people here from around "Earth" that are 100% behind you.
    Thank you for sharing your journey. I know I look forward to reading all about your success!
  2. Jungledog
    Re: The Beginning of Her End to Addiction/Incredibly Rough Day Today.

    Sleepy,

    I hear you on the depression thing and now that I have mine treated, I am much better able to deal with things. But I can tell you that I have been the spouse fucking working myself to death to support my entire family (a daughter in college, a daughter out of college who can't find anything better than a minimum wage job, a school age child and an unemployed husband out of work for 18 months now) and when my husband would say things like "Money doesn't matter"...or "I don't care about the money if we have each other" or "It will all work out" or other pointless things...I thought about killing him!!! I mean really.

    I overused my oxycodone specifically to numb the sting and pain of those words. I was so ANGRY at him for leaving the financial burden of our family squarely on my overworked shoulders while he sat around and felt sorry for himself...for his depression and for his job loss. At least now he is finally taking greater responsibility for the household chores (I finally told him I wasn't fucking cleaning, doing the grocery shopping, the laundry or the meal preparation if he doesn't work). My thoughts are if he is home...then the home is his job. When he returns to work, I will then spit it with him. I currently work 60-70 hours a week. He does care for the house now but he also spends a hell of a lot of time still watching TV and wrapped up in his depression.

    Why do I bring this up? Because marriage is complicated. It is especially complicated if one or both partners suffer from depression, when addiction is added to the mess, and when finances are tied to the components. It sounds like your husband is angry with you for the addiction, for the job loss and he is probably more than a little terrified about the possible legal fallout as well as the long and short term financial consequences of your actions. You also blind-sided him with this...by basically telling him after it all went down. He probably feels betrayed. But this anger does not give him the right to treat you poorly though or control you or your actions.

    You on the other hand obviously have a depression issue and addiction problems (and your husband was aware of the drinking part right? and it sounds like he enabled you to some degree?). You knew you needed help and so you put in action a course you would not be able to stop to "force" yourself toward sobriety. You needed to do what you needed to do but the two of you do have to be completely honest with each other about how you feel. I also strongly encourage you to get back to working as soon as possible. It will help with depression, looks good to the courts, and helps your family financially. There are plenty of places where you could waitress that don't serve alcohol. It will also provide the funding you need to start working on the courses to be a lactation consultant.

    Please know that I never say things to be "uncaring" or cold. I have suffered through much of the same shit and just want to offer up insight that might apply to you but then again maybe it doesn't. Just know depression is a weird, weird thing and it makes us view things completely ass-backward and do crazy shit. When my Cymbalta kicked in, I literally was surprised at how much my thinking changed and I was actually embarrassed by many of the things I did and said while I was depressed.

    Keep moving forward. Get to that clinic and get treated. Work on the marriage if you want it. Work on your career if you want it back...mostly work on you and sorting out your head. I am proud of you. You can do this.
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