Re: The Beginning of Her End to Addiction/Incredibly Rough Day Today.
Ah, WTF? I felt so positive an hour ago and now I'm crying for no reason. :-( I just want to curl up in bed but I've got homework to help my daughter with and dinner to fix. How long does the emotional roller coaster last?
Why am I feeling so sad. Rhetorical questions, I suppose. Just... I dunno. I'm going to trust it really will be better one day. Today is only day 17 since my last use which is not very long but at the same time it seems an eternity.
I didn't get this fucked up overnight and I know it won't be better overnight either. Still feel like I'm failing for some reason.
Hahaha, and then my 2 year old runs up to me, grabs the sleeve of my sweater and promptly blows his nose into it... And I'm laughing out loud. So grateful for my crazy babies.
Sleepynurse added 1041 Minutes and 21 Seconds later...
Feeling weird this morning. I had my first dream about using last night.
I was staying in a hotel room with my dad and sister. I haven't even seen my dad in 15 years, WTF? And, anyway, there was a vial of lorazepam and hydromorphone in his bedside table. I kept trying to get away so I could use. I had no ideas of restraint in my brain in this dream. I never was able to get away to fix but I still woke up feeling like shit about it.
I have been trying extremely hard to not let the thought of the drugs come into my head, AT ALL! And then my freaking brain betrays me. I know it's not a fail. It's like a dream that you cheat on your spouse... But it still leaves you feeling like shit.
But It is NOT a fail, I need to let it go. So I'm writing it down here and not giving another thought to it.
Older child was dropped off at school this AM and now just toddler and I hanging out. We're going to be going to the gym for a run today, even if it sucks it's better than skipping another day. And then I have the SMART meeting this evening.
Gotta throw some dinner in the slow cooker, I reckon, so there will be supper when husband gets home.
I already love today, just hope I'm not crying again this evening!
Sleepynurse added 565 Minutes and 55 Seconds later...
Quick update about my day
Had an AMAZING run. And realized why guys can be so distracted by bouncing breasts, lol! All the treadmills have TV's on them, mine is turned off so the screen is semi-reflective, as I'm running I'm like, "wow, bouncing boobs really are entrancing" before I knew it my run was over, haha!
Then went immediately to the SMART meeting. I enjoyed it more this week which may or may not have been related to the endorphins released during my run.
Also, I know we all have differing tastes but one of the songs I listened to while working-out was "Immortal" by Kid Cudi and it really spoke to me. I've loved this song for a while but I could really relate to it today.
"Spent the last month feeling bad 'bout myself
I couldn't speak anything of real hope
And the day came when it hit me like lightning through my veins
A sudden change in my groove, in my walk
I got my lion heart and electric flowing through my brain
Shocking waves make me feel I can float
It's like the city is mine and the dark is my cape
I can't explain this sudden peace in my walk, I sure hope
I am living my life as if I had powers
And tonight I feel immortal
I said tonight I feel immortal
Tonight I feel immortal"
I know I won't feel like this everyday but I feel well today and today is what matters, right?
Sleepynurse added 831 Minutes and 55 Seconds later...
As the month is drawing to a close, I am finally feeling like I'm more than capable of "just getting through the day" as I was over the last few weeks. I really want to create a schedule and stick to it. My kids have a set schedule, I need one, as well!
- To be able to run 5k without stopping/slowing down. (I'm already sooooo close to this one!)
- Exercise 6 days/week for at least 30 minutes. At least 3 days of running, 2 of strength training and yoga almost daily.
- Improve my diet, get my Kcals to at least 2000/day. I've been fasting almost (completely unintentionally) and I know I need some more protein and healthy fats and definitely a bit more greens.
- One meeting/week.
- Journal every day.
Okay, trying to keep it simple and I like lists. Didn't have much sleep yesterday but I will still have a good day. It's cloudy today and wonderful!
Sleepynurse added 3 Minutes and 54 Seconds later...
I feel like such a n00b and like I should be able to figure this out but can I make these SEPARATE posts. It's not just one long entry simply because no one has commented in between my rantings.
The Beginning of My End to Addiction/Incredibly Rough Day Today. - Part 17