Re: The Beginning of Her End to Addiction/Incredibly Rough Day Today.
Nurse wants to murder her husband. She won't. And she won't drink and she won't use. Just having murder fantasies right now. I know that sounds fucking awful. Tomorrow will be better.
Sleepynurse added 774 Minutes and 5 Seconds later...
Okay, serious brain/heart hurting today. Bear with me guys this might be a little long.
I should preface it by saying that I've only gotten a couple hours of sleep the last couple nights and I KNOW 100% that affects my thinking and it's raining cats and dogs here which is unusual and possibly also affecting my mood.
Okay. So anxious right now! Maybe I should do some yoga before I start writing but then I may just think even more and get more and more worked up!
Okay so last night I mentioned to my husband that I could really, really feel positive working in an addiction recovery setting, hopefully as a nurse.
His immediate response, "You seriously would want to work around junkies all day"(question mark broken, I'll use a Q from here on out) "every junkie I've ever talked to annoyed the shit out of me"
To this I respond, "You do realize that as of less than 3 weeks ago, I was a "junkie"Q!" "I was injecting over 30 times a day. I gave serious consideration to just inserting a PIVC, just to save my veins. I have the skills and supplies to do that! I had bruises every place I could conceal." (Dating Meth if you are reading this, it totally made me think of your thread about discrimination towards addicts)
He made a disgusted face and I told him I couldn't talk to him if he was going to shame me because that is not at all going to help me. I have shamed myself MORE than enough. He just couldn't let it go. I demanded to be left alone. He refused, as he is wont to do.
We both calmed down a little bit (my blood was absolutely boiling; I never have physical reactions to anger but I wanted to punch the patio glass doors as hard as I could)
Anyway, we go to our bedroom and he asks, "Mama, what is good in lifeQ"
I said something along the lines of "Taking care of people, exercise, feeling happiness without an aid."
This enraged him because my answer did not include specifically him. He has himself convinced that all he cares about is making me happy. He said he really wants to read this journal which I immediately got super scared about and asked him why but he had no good answer. He just has to control EVERY part of my life.
So anyway. We got over it, I got silent as I've truly been trained to do. He fell asleep.
So now, (please bear with me I know this is long but I really feel like I need someone's answers, from experience)
So now, everyday I drive my daughter to and from her school, 35 minutes approximately each way. So about 140 minutes of every weekday I spend driving. Lots of time for thinking; if that's good or bad, I don't know.
We usually listen to some tunes, loudly, have little dance parties or are all off in our own worlds. I just wanted to zone out today, put on some "noisy music" as mom calls it. It didn't work.
And every awful thought I've ever had him came to my head. Every "injustice" I felt I've been done by him. It didn't make me sad or mad or hateful toward him, I just feel true apathy right now. He says he will do whatever he can for me to help me get better, to feel happier, but I know from his actions already that that is just not so.
The minute I try to do something without him, he will flip. I thought about how I felt "trapped" by him with our first pregnancy. I know it takes two to tango but he knew VERY important info that he withheld from me (A wife and daughter) and it was his idea to try. Why would he possibly ever suggest this except to make it so I would be bound to him foreverQ
I adore my daughter. She amazes me daily. I adore my son. And my husband really, really is a great dad. So hands on and involved with them.
I just cannot imagine feeling happy with him as he is now and has been for 8 years. I'm not close to my dad, left my mom when I was three, and I think I was drawn at first to his aggressiveness/possessiveness because I'd never felt that before from a man. Anyway, now it's what I abhor most about him.
When I waited tables, he would "visit" me at work all the time he said it was because he just missed me but I'm not an idiot; I understand how this works which I think is making it hurt my brain/heart so much more.
I know I sound like a fucking awful wife, bashing my husband on here where anyone could read it but I'm just trying to paint a clear picture. He didn't become physically abusive until I tried to leave after my daughter was born. Like JD said earlier, when a woman attempts to leave is often the most dangerous time in an abusive relationship.
And like I said, there has been no physical violence in a while but I've just stopped trying to be me. I have no match for him physically, like not even close. I really think that is a huge part of why I started drinking to excess and using.
I just felt so hopeless. Like, I'll never be able to leave him; he would probably try to kill me or himself. And, I don't want to separate my kids from a good dad. So I totally gave up. Really just wanting to speed along my own demise.
I'm trying to think of the last time I felt "love" toward him and I can't. The thing is, I KNOW that I am in a hyper-depressed state right now. I'm not even 3 weeks clean. I have not addressed my underlying mental health issues and I'm totally sleep deprived right now AND he really pissed me off last night.
I've seen battered women. I've seen woman getting beat on HOURS after they have given birth. And then, within hours, they justified the abuse to me. "You just don't know him" "I was asking him questions that I shouldn't have been asking right now and this is just a really stressful time for us", etc, etc, etc.
I know all this. I never made them feel like shit about it because how could I?
So, I just, I just want to know. Can we fix each others brainsQ Could counseling or medication help himQ Will my brain stop hating him so muchQ He already had to attend court ordered Anger Management after the cops were called to our house during one fight. It didn't help but I think if he went voluntarily it could. He does not see himself as an abuser, AT ALL. Can I ever make him see?
I'm in no place to leave anyone right now so please spare the judgements and encouraging me to get away from him now. I would not be safe. No questions in my mind about that.
How long can I just bide my time here with someone I have to force myself to like.
Okay, this is so stupidly long but I feel better already. Just acknowledging that I was even having these thoughts.
I really don't want to use or drink or anything but I do notice that as soon as he calls to say he is on his way home from work, I get immediate anxiety and that is always when I would start drinking before.
Okay, I think the catharsis was in the writing of this one. I don't think I need actual answers to my questions but any comments are always loved and welcome.
Sleepynurse added 4 Minutes and 25 Seconds later...
I have the most uneasy feeling. I get these sometimes and they don't usually bode well. I'm gonna ask my mom or sister to spend the night tonight. Just in case. I feel like I'm about to have a panic attack. I'm home alone with my son sleeping. I can't breathe.
Sleepynurse added 129 Minutes and 32 Seconds later...
Totally forgot kind of pertinent information. He was in the Marines and in Prison for 7 years after the Marines. I think he for sure has PTSD, that he refuses to deal with.
The Beginning of My End to Addiction/Incredibly Rough Day Today. - Part 18