The Beginning of My End to Addiction/Incredibly Rough Day Today. - Part 22

By Sleepynurse · Feb 2, 2015 · ·
  1. Re: The Beginning of Her End to Addiction/Incredibly Rough Day Today.

    So I made a goal to journal every day of February aaaaaand I missed the 1st day. Fail.

    I'm doing okay. Physically, have a massively, awful URI complete with double ear infection. But I think I'm feeling better today.

    Mentally, still very down. Feeling kind of hopeless but I know I'm still in post-acute withdrawal and I'm just telling myself this depression will ease. Had something interesting and very bad happen in the middle of the night and it just, I just know this man WILL NEVER CHANGE.

    I've been doing so much thinking about what needs to happen to get my life to be what I want it to be and I've read all your guys suggestions and thank you is all I can say.

    The only person in real life that I've ever admitted all of the abuse, too, is my sister-in-law. She is a Sexual Assault Nurse Examiner and has seen some pretty fucked up shit. She has so much training with domestic/sexual violence, it's ridiculous.

    She also happens to be my best friend, hubby couldn't really take her away from me because she is married to his brother, haha, sad but true. So I arrived at the (pretty obvious to me now) conclusion that I need to tell her my desire to leave.

    She is not only an expert but she knows me and husband very well. She knew him before the militaryprison fucked his head totally up. I am certain that she would let me and my kids go live with her in a heartbeat. It also helps that her husband has a small arsenal and would not let his brother do anything totally apeshit crazy.

    They live kind of far from us but just realizing, I totally have this option and it doesn't involve me and my kids having to live in a shelter provides some peace of mind.

    I also kind of started hinting to my mom that I want to leave hubby. She is oblivious to the abuse but she does think he is kind of a crazy dickhead.

    So I know it's going to happen. My resolve grows stronger daily. I feel no love in my heart toward this man. No words or actions on his part can undo all the years of terror.

    My immediate plan is to get a waitressing job. It really is the perfect job for now because I can easily stash a bit of my tips daily with him being totally unawares. And, it also pays pretty well. Sadly, there were weeks I made more an hour as a waitress than as a nurse.

    A job (as JD has repeatedly been trying to tell me I need, haha, sometimes it takes a little while for reason to sink in) will get me out of the house at night and on weekends which are the times I have to spend the most time with him.

    I have tried every possible thing I could think of to get him to want to leave me and none of them have worked. I HAVE to leave him. It's so not going to happen overnight but even if it's somewhere in the near future, I have to maintain hope. I feel really sad for him; when you've lived with someone so long, you do care about their well being but I can't stay just because I don't want to devastate him...

    And I really feel positively that I will definitely be able to work as a nurse again one day and that makes me feel so fucking happy.

    Love and positivity,

    Sleepy.

Comments

  1. LadyJaid
    Re: The Beginning of Her End to Addiction/Incredibly Rough Day Today.

    Hope you are doing good today :) Regarding the depression you are feeling, have you tried Rhodiola Rosea and GABA. I use both on a regular basis because I refuse to go on Paxil, or Ativan, or Wellbutrin or any of the other anti-depressants as I have seen what they did to my mom...a story for another time...

    Rhodiola is amazing for stress/depression and even anxiety and GABA is already found in your brain, but when you don't have enough of it, you get sad. It also helps you with sleep if you are having any problems and aren't taking sleeping pills...which I do, because none of that natural stuff helps me fall asleep.

    Not sure if where you live on "earth" sells these things but I'd say check out a health food store if you can...you might be pleasantly surprised at how well one or the other or both can help you.

    Have a great day lady, you're amazing and don't forget it!!!
  2. Jungledog
    Re: The Beginning of Her End to Addiction/Incredibly Rough Day Today.

    Sleepy,

    Good. You are creating a path and a plan. This is what you need to do. You used and you exposed that use to shed light on the abuse. You needed an out and you took it. Don't look back. It was the right choice. Just keep thinking safety. Plan carefully.

    You will get back to nursing. I think addiction medicine would be a great place for you...better than the lactation thing. People need help and they need help from providers who truly understand the journey. You could save so many lives...but first save yours.

    Love to you.
  3. Sleepynurse
    Re: The Beginning of Her End to Addiction/Incredibly Rough Day Today.

    So really quick update just because I wanted to journal every day. Yesterday's run was great!

    Today has been okay. Sleepy was really sleepy today. And randomly weepy but okay.

    Will have a better entry tomorrow.
  4. Golddust Woman
    Re: The Beginning of Her End to Addiction/Incredibly Rough Day Today.

    Sleepynurse

    I hope you are alright. I can identify with your situation. I was once a physically and emotionally battered woman. There is hope. You can get out safely and start a new life.

    Right now your body chemistry is still stabilizing. You really need to look up a domestic violence support group. Attending one of these groups will help you to learn the skills and tools you need to you keep safe and get out of this marriage if this is indeed what you want to do. I do know this,; abusers feel very threatened when they perceive any positive changes in their victim. They perceive this as a threat to their control. Please, please make sure he cannot read your posts on here.

    You will be OK. You do need to see someone about your depression, anxiety, and this abuse. The domestic violence support group will give you an opportunity to meet others going through what you are going through and a counselor (usually a former victim) leads the group.

    Just know others care and are here for you.
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