To everyone commenting and thinking about us thank you. It's times like right now when I'm alone that are that are definitely the most difficult. You just can't turn it off sometimes. So, again this site has helped me in some way to not feel totally alone.
I do have people to be around but everyone thinks I want to be talking or something or they need to talk and it just ends in more sobbing.
I told my kids yesterday and I would say it went as well as this sort of thing could go. My six year old really doesn't grasp it. I told her there were was an accident and daddy died. I had spoken to a child psychologist and he said kids her age cannot understand that someone would take their own life so that part can wait.
She cried but then asked if a doctor would be able to bring him back. And last night said she could have an accident on her bike and be with him again. :'(
Then she said, "well now, you just have to find a husband but he has to be nicer than daddy."
I almost lost it then but I stayed strong.
His whole family came over yesterday which I was absolutely dreading but his dad held me for a long time and told me I made his son happier than he ever thought he could be and alive a lot longer than anyone thought he would be.
And his mom told me she believes he was really scared he was going to hurt/kill me and that is why he did it. To hear her say that helped me a lot.
I KNOW it's not my fault. I just...Fuck. the kids wanted to look at pictures of him and someone put on a video that was taken right after our son was born and that was too much. I had to leave. My son's birthday is tomorrow... our son isn't going to remember him and that destroys me.
I'm going to my outpatient rehab today and then I'm not sure. I have so many phone calls to make about financial stuff. Feels very overwhelming. One task at a time.
Thank you from every part of me for being here,
Amy, the sleepy nurse.
The Beginning of My End to Addiction/Incredibly Rough Day Today. - Part 33