Today didn't feel like a good day but I did a lot of reflection and found good in it. I've been I incredibly angry today. I went to a meeting tonight because I just can't be alone. I feel like I need to constantly have another adult in my presence to distract me. So I'm grateful that meetings exist. But now I'm alone again. The kids are asleep and I'm just feeling such incredible, pervasive loneliness and then anger.
But at the meeting I really began thinking of why I want to be clean. What kind of person do I really want to be? I don't want to be an angry person; I'm not an angry person.
This is going to sound cheesy but I want to live my life with integrity; I want to truly feel proud of the person I am. I want to be the best possible example for my kids. I want my daughter to know that a person is not what happens to them.
I don't want to be a drug addict. As much pain as I'm feeling right now, it will subside. Time does so much more for pain than any drug possibly could. I'm just putting one foot in front of the other. The anger I'm feeling isn't helping me at all. My husband is gone forever. No emotion no matter how strong I let myself feel it is going to change that.
All I can do is try to be better. I think I'm a kind person but I want to be so much more kind going forward. And I need to be kind to myself first; I've been so incredibly nasty to myself this week and that isn't helpful to me, my recovery, or the people around me who care about me.
Anyway... I'm still feeling lonely but not angry (right now). I can't really control the loneliness like I can the anger but I'm more than certain that time will help with that.
(JD, your last comment gave me nothing but comfort, no worries)
Hugs to everyone struggling and to those keeping us in your thoughts,
Amy, Sleepy Nurse
The Beginning of My End to Addiction/Incredibly Rough Day Today. - Part 35