This afternoon are my husband's services. They are in a different city a couple hours away as that is where he was born and raised and all of his family besides us live.
I am coming unglued, I feel. My daughter cried a lot last night, claiming she didn't know what she was crying about. As soon as she and my son were asleep, I lost it, again. I need his help raising these babies.
I wondered if he kissed them goodbye before he did it. How could he not? But at the same time how can you go through with it when you have these lovely children? I cried myself to sleep and then had nightmares.
My head hurts so badly this morning. I think I'm probably dehydrated. I don't want to go today but I know it's something I have to do. I don't want to cry anymore.
His suicide was the most senseless thing I could ever think of. He was young, in excellent physical condition, no addictions (not even a coffee drinker), three awesome children, a family that cares so much about him, he was their first born and big brother to three siblings. And whatever was going on with us, I always reminded him that whatever happened between us, I would always be there for him. Always be his friend.
I just needed him to try to get the help he needed. I know if I had just forgiven him, it's just one more turn on the cycle of domestic violence. But oh god, some of these nights recently, I was so tempted to just give in but I stayed strong for my recovery and for my daughter...
Anyway... I'm sorry. Just stuff that's racing through my head. I know I won't have answers to these questions but they still arise.
Think about us today, if you can... it's already feeling like a hard day but I think it will be cathartic, as well. I'll be able to work on moving forward.
All my love,
JD, just saw your post. I don't mean I'm not normal in a bad way. I like being a little different. I'm just not going to be drowning my sorrows with anything.
The Beginning of My End to Addiction/Incredibly Rough Day Today. - Part 38