The Beginning of My End to Addiction/Incredibly Rough Day Today. - Part 38

By Sleepynurse · Mar 21, 2015 · ·
  1. Hi all,

    This afternoon are my husband's services. :( They are in a different city a couple hours away as that is where he was born and raised and all of his family besides us live.

    I am coming unglued, I feel. My daughter cried a lot last night, claiming she didn't know what she was crying about. As soon as she and my son were asleep, I lost it, again. I need his help raising these babies.

    I wondered if he kissed them goodbye before he did it. How could he not? But at the same time how can you go through with it when you have these lovely children? I cried myself to sleep and then had nightmares.

    My head hurts so badly this morning. I think I'm probably dehydrated. I don't want to go today but I know it's something I have to do. I don't want to cry anymore.

    Fuck.

    His suicide was the most senseless thing I could ever think of. He was young, in excellent physical condition, no addictions (not even a coffee drinker), three awesome children, a family that cares so much about him, he was their first born and big brother to three siblings. And whatever was going on with us, I always reminded him that whatever happened between us, I would always be there for him. Always be his friend.

    I just needed him to try to get the help he needed. I know if I had just forgiven him, it's just one more turn on the cycle of domestic violence. But oh god, some of these nights recently, I was so tempted to just give in but I stayed strong for my recovery and for my daughter...

    Anyway... I'm sorry. Just stuff that's racing through my head. I know I won't have answers to these questions but they still arise.

    Think about us today, if you can... it's already feeling like a hard day but I think it will be cathartic, as well. I'll be able to work on moving forward.

    All my love,

    Amy


    JD, just saw your post. I don't mean I'm not normal in a bad way. I like being a little different. I'm just not going to be drowning my sorrows with anything.

Comments

  1. Jungledog
    Thinking of you and wishing you strength today. It is hard to not blame yourself on some level with suicides but you did nothing to make this happen. It was all his selfish choice. Be strong for your kids but remember to lean on others heavily during this time. You need support. As always, love to you.
  2. Kitts
    Hi Amy,

    I'll be thinking of you and the children especially today. You will get through this day with the same strength and integrity that shines throughout this journal. I hope the services today give you some comfort and help you move forward.

    Sending love and best wishes,
    Kitts.
  3. john123470
    hi Amy -
    You have had a lot thrown at you these past few weeks. Words seem empty and clichéd but I really admire how you have remained strong in this hurricane. Bending not breaking …

    You are an amazing person and mother to your kids

    When all this rain passes over, the sun will shine again

    Thinking of you and your family
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