Re: The Beginning of Her End to Addiction/Incredibly Rough Day Today.
So a few of you have asked me to think about what started my addiction and my husband has asked me that several times over the last few days and I have been pondering it heavily.
I had always been a sad kiddo. As long as I can remember, even as a small child. I understand when it started. As a kid i would throw myself into literature. I've always been an avid reader. Then I fell in love with video games, yes, huge gamer nerd here.
When I went away to college, far from my hometown, i felt lonely and stressed out, on top of my regularly scheduled depression. Almost no friends, as I have always had extreme anxiety around strangers. I have a sister that is considered my "Irish twin" as we are less than a year apart in age and she was always the friendly, outgoing one. I being the much shier sister. But we were inseperable and together i had many friends with my sister.
But being on on own for the first time she could remember in my life, i found my drug to cope... Running. I ran everywhere, everyday. Easily 80-100 miles a month. I didn't realize that I needed a coping mechanism but that's definitely what running was for me. I achieved the physical high and also the "therapy session" that running can provide. I would process everything going on in my life while jogging.
Fast forward a few years, i had become known to everyone for my love of exercise. I meet my husband at the ripe age of 20 and that's all she wrote. We fell pretty head-over-heals for one another. Within a year and a half we had our 1st amazing sleepy baby. I exercised every day of my pregnancy and lost all baby weight by three months postpartum.
Well, sadly around 8 weeks postpartum, i received a mysterious phone call in the middle of the night saying that my baby daddy was not who he said he was and that i needed to ask him about the names "J**** and A*****".
Turns out that when i met my baby daddy, he was married to someone, J*, and they had a 1 year old baby, A*. Ugh, talk about several strong kicks to the gut. It was hard for him to keep this secret from me but he met me and fell in love with me and then just acted out of fear. (Similar to an addict keeping an addiction hidden, eh?)
Well, I just kept running. Running through all the emotions. It took a really long time for me to get over this but at one point, i was so mad/sad and i hated to be around baby daddy and i remembered that i had scrip for percocet that i had been given after i had baby sleepy. I remembered the euphoria it had made me feel in hospital and I was desperate to not feel this horrible sadness, even just for a minute.
And it worked. Well, i just took one a day and not everyday. I still maintained my exercise schedule and credit it to my mental recovery from the sadness.
Today i feels no pain from that time. I'm actually great friends with my husband's ex-wife, imagine that.
So this is part one of how i got to IV'ing 25 mg hydromorphone daily, 50-100mg morphine daily, and 300-400 mg meperidine. Also, supplementing with about 80 mg oxycodone orally. There is a big gap in there of about 4 years but I don't want to write such a long post!
The Beginning of My End to Addiction/Incredibly Rough Day Today. - Part 4